Back to the Yoga

As you can tell, I haven't been in the writing vibe since I moved to SD. I am not quite sure why but it's where I am at. I am honestly thinking that it's probably the subject matter. I will always be a widow at heart (lucky me!) but since moving here it has felt like I have been able to get out of that mindset a bit. People here don't immediately know my story and it's my choice as to when they get to find out. This is typically after a few drinks where I can quickly glide over the topic to avoid the mopey eyed I feel so sorry for you look. It's still a big part of my life but moving to a beautiful new place with new surroundings, I am in a completely different place. So it probably makes sense that I don't feel the urge to write about the same things although I am sure some widow tales will come out from time to time especially on big events such as wedding anniversaries. 

Thinking about going forward with this space, I would really like to focus on why I put this blog together which was to understand yoga better and how it has helped me on this journey. So perhaps not completely leaving the widow perspective but merging it more with the yogic perspective. Hopefully in the future I will be sharing more about my yoga practice with you and of course getting my love for yoga out into the world! So let's do this! With that, I leave you with a yogi funny... this one plagues me... especially during morning meditation. 

namaste

Melissa 

Ocean Air

Since I am typing, you can tell I made it past the 2nd Wedding Anniversary without Matt. It sucked big time. It will probably always suck on some level. Both last year and this year I felt debilitated. The day is solely about us but now there is no us. On the 11th, I mostly laid on the couch then went to the beach with Lila. I also referred back to my journal from last year and thankfully I seem not quite as neurotic but also spent the day on the couch and then on the beach with Lila. In each journal entry I wrote about how the air by the water seems to be a cure all for me. This is true for my worst days or just an average day where I need a pick me up. Since moving here, I try to get outside for at least an hour to breath in some ocean air. That being said, I have been cooped up all day and need to take my own advice and get myself by the water! 

My fav beach... Ocean Beach

namaste,

Melissa 

4 years ago today...

I married my best friend and love of my life. I miss him so much every day. Life was so much better sharing it with him. I am happy where I am at but our anniversary will always be a tough day. It seems like cruel and unusual punishment that we didn't make it to our 4th anniversary... not even to our 3rd. I wonder what we would have done to commemorate this special day. Below are some pictures of the two anniversaries that we were able to celebrate together. 

As you can imagine, I did a lot of the wedding planning but Matt did get involved with certain areas. Of course, music was one of those areas. This included picking our first song which was "Thank You" by Led Zepplin. Our amazing band even learned how to play it. I leave you with a few words from the song. It has definitely been on repeat the past few days... 

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. 
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me. 

Kind woman, I give you my all, Kind woman, nothing more. 

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by. 
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong, 
together we shall go until we die. My, my, my. 
An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look... see. 

And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles, 
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one. 
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness....I'm glad. 
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. 
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.

For our 1st anniversary we played putt putt and pinball. How romantic right? He looks damn happy though!

For our 2nd anniversary we went camping in Michigan. I was the coolest wife ever... pinball and camping? 

And of course the cutest wedding picture ever... you can just feel the happiness!

namaste

Melissa 

where to begin? perhaps with this beautiful new blog design!

Someone finally brought it to my attention, I haven't written in awhile. I knew it but I simply didn't know where to begin. And perhaps I needed to settle in and shed my Midwestern skin before I wrote again. 

Then I realized there is no time like the present and you are no where but here. I couldn't decide what to write about since so much has happened in the last month so I will just write about where I am now. And on the one month anniversary of living in SD and the 16 month anniversary of Matt's passing, here I am. You have to start somewhere. 

I love San Diego, it is so me. The beachy laid back SoCal lifestyle is all that I hoped and dreamed for. Just like everything in the past year there have been lots of ups and downs. I continue to look for the gratitude in my grief. I am still unpacking. I didn't think unpacking could be worse than packing but it has been and luckily it's almost over. I have been busy redecorating and changing things up which has been fun but busy. The place is starting to come together especially my yoga/meditation room. 

As you can see, I got a new blog design, isn't it perfection? I used HubbyJack Blog Designs. Jack did a great job of putting my vision together using my favorite colors! Even this shouts SoCal to me. I plan to use my blog as the landing pad for spreading my love for yoga in the SD so look for more to come on the Services page! 

If you follow me on Instagram you may have already seen these pics but below are a few of my favorite SoCal pics! 

Oh how I love a good sunset especially at a place called Sunset Cliffs

Although Lila loves to dig a good hole... she did not dig this hole... the nerds sitting behind us dug it when they realized they forgot their towels and needed a place to sit... Lila took advantage even when they were still there...  

Celebrating one of Matt's friend's birthday with a pool party and sporting a Crew hat that you only see in SoCal! 

namaste

Melissa

Greetings from SD!

Well I made it. I drove the 2000+ miles out to the west coast. It took me about a week with some fun stops in between and I would recommend this drive to anyone. I didn't get too crazy with it and never drove more than 10 hours in a day. I had two main stops; Arkansas and Sedona. I also stopped one night in Amarillo which included a scary motel stay. After the notel motel, I was happy to get on the road and get to Sedona where I upgraded and stayed at a beautiful resort with an infinity pool displaying the beautiful rock formations. 

Sedona wins the prize as the most beautiful place I have ever been in the US and rivals some of the other worldly beauty I have seen. Arriving on Thursday evening and passing through multiple time zones, I just rested by the pool the first night. The next morning I got to try a Kundalini Yoga class at the resort before heading out for a day of hiking. Rounding out the night out at a local winery pretty much makes for a perfect day for me. Lila got to join me on most activities as this is a very dog friendly town. She didn't join me at the winery though, Mama need a night out! I don't know if I entered any of the said vortexes but my mood was certainly elevated and I met some high vibe people. I didn't even touch on the surface of what this town has to offer with many many psychics, hiking trails, and organic food. At only seven hours across the desert from SD, I will be back. 

I woke on Saturday to pull myself from the R&R canyon of Sedona to finish the drive. I had to get to the leasing office by closing time so I significantly limited my hydration and put the pedal to the metal which was difficult with the rolling mountains of the desert and border patrol. I made it by about 5pm and was exhausted. I quickly signed the lease and rushed into the place only to realize I had to bring all my belongings in which wasn't easy with numerous hallways and a parking garage between me and my air mattress. The white walls of the barren apartment hit me hard and I was overwhelmed. Still am but it's getting better each day. How the hell did my life come to this? Arriving to the other side of the country in a small apartment with no one to help me carry all my crap (for those of you in SD I know I could have called you but conversation wasn't an option in this infuriated state). I was in despair. I persevered, blew up the air mattress (thankfully a friend of Matt's got us a luxury one for our wedding), cried, and went to sleep. I knew things would be better in the morning. After two nights, a rest by the pool, and a visit with a BFF from  back in the day, things are looking up again. I imagine after going to Coronado beach today, I will be back in full limitless love of SoCal! 

Dinner at the fancy restaurant in Arkansas (aka the Supper Club)

Lila and I going through Oak Creek

Headstand in Sedona!

Jumping in Sedona!

namaste

Melissa 

on the road again

I am waking up this first wednesday of June excited to not only continue my journey out west but to also participate in my first ever widow blog hop. For those of you that are new to blog hops, the basic idea is to check out everyone's blog and share what you have to say. As cliche as it may sound, I have realized over the past year how important it is to just have someone who understands where you are coming from. As I start my life in San Diego, I have already joined a support group and will be attending Camp Widow West to meet additional widows and widowers. If you are interested in checking out the blog hop, check out the blog list here...http://samanthalightgallagher.wordpress.com/widowed-blog-hop/

For those of you that are participating in the blog hop and don't know me, I have moved on from the home that Matt and I shared in Chicago to travel and move out to San Diego. I am currently en route setting off from Arkansas to end in Texas today. As I continue my drive out west, I realize I haven't mentioned Matt's name in my last few posts. It's not that I don't think of him. In fact, every night before I go to sleep, I remember what it was like to have Matt snuggle me. Or I see something and can't wait to tell Matt about it (yes still this happens) But my life has taken a very very different turn. My life has moved so far from what I shared with Matt, that it's hard to see him in the day to day business as usual. In all honesty, my life in the past month was more like my high school self, living with my grandma and hanging with my childhood friends however I am well on my way to carving out the next chapter.

Does this make me feel; bad, graceful, weird, happy, regretful, excited, selfish, grateful, and crazy all at once...yes. But it is what it is. Our life seems so long ago now, the awful year of firsts is behind me. This time last year I was already on my healing journey. Being able to look back one year ago and not think of where you were together albeit sad makes life easier. Sure at any moment in time I could pick up the wedding album or listen to old voicemails but I don't. When you know it is going to cause pain and hurt, why would you do it? And I think I am moving forward in a way that honors Matt and makes him proud,  really that's all I can do. 

Who knows how I will feel when I arrive on the coast miles and miles away even further from our life. For now it's easier to drive away from the life that I once knew simply because it's not as painful. Not that I didn't love that life but that life is no longer an option and I am just working with what I have got. 

lila enjoying the creek

namaste

Melissa 

Day 3 of the Journey out West

I took off early Sunday morning after rain delays on Saturday with a giant picnic basket full of smoothies and healthy snacks. It seemed as if it was meant to be as I drove off into the sun with no traffic.  We made great time stopping a few times for gas and lunch at a rest stop in Missouri. Lila loved the rest stop but was a little distracted from her lunch by the squirrels. 

We drove to Arkansas just over the border of Missouri to stay with my aunt for a few days. Lila and I are enjoying some lazy days although currently Lila is running around like a maniac chasing critters and kittens with mud all over her. She loves it here. She wakes up every morning to stare out the window and see what she can chase for the day. Now I just need to figure out how to destinkify her for the rest of the drive. 

Back to driving tomorrow and on to Oklahoma and Texas. See you in the Lone Star State!

Lead Hill is the booming metropolis where my Aunt lives

namaste

Melissa