The Widow’s Book Corner: The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I feel like people are waiting for this review from me. That somehow since I somewhat lived this, that my review matters more.  Alas I know it really doesn’t but here is my two cents on this extremely popular book soon to be movie on a somewhat familiar topic to me.

First of all, I surprised myself by even reading this book. After Matt’s death I gobbled up every depressing widow/cancer book I could find. Being two years out, I have simmered down on them and occasionally pick them up at this point mostly because it's an author I know or I have heard some hype about it. Sometimes they bring me so back into it, that I just can’t bear it. I surprised myself even more by reading the book on a plane after a wedding weekend of a dear friend. But I am no stranger to the public silent cry so I finished the book crying as I landed over the snowy Rocky Mountains.

The book is about a sixteen year old girl, Hazel, who has an incurable lung cancer. She meets a dynamic young man at her support group who has also battled cancer but his has gone into remission and the two of them fall in love. Hazel is obsessed with a book about a girl who also had cancer and a lot of the story centers around her love of this book, eventually the boys love of this book, and then a mission to find answers to some of the open ended questions at the end of the book. This is the general premise of the book and I’ll leave it ther  as I don’t want to ruin it for anyone.

I really liked this book and thought it was extremely well written with a unique perspective on a difficult circumstance. The book sucked me in initially because Hazel entices you iwith her non-self pitying cancer humor. Cancer humor is typically only shared by those who have been deeply affected by cancer. Such as when people ask me, oh why aren’t you married? This question has been detested by woman especially those past the age of thirty but now, I can give this detested question asker the ultimate foot in the mouth answer. Per cancer humor rules, I can take a little satisfaction in that minute of awkwardness. But really, cancer humor can be a little jolting to those that haven’t dealt with it so intimately so I am not sure how others take it.

I did find some parts of the story a little unbelievable. (Spoiler Alert) I find it hard to believe that Augustus, Hazel's love, would pick up another girl at a support group after losing his prior girlfriend to cancer. I mean, I know you can’t help who ya fall in love with but I would head for the hills if someone told me they had another terminal type of cancer on a first date. This isn’t too say that I wouldn’t support someone going through it once we had fallen madly in love... but I am just being honest and I think it would be hard to involve yourself with someone who had cancer again especially at the age of 16.  But I am not a teenage boy that has also had cancer...perhaps finding non-cancer girlfriends is difficult? The other thing I had difficulty with was the fact that the teenagers wrote their own eulogies and picked out their own funeral attire. Myself and Matt refused to admit that Matt was dying and never even discussed what he wanted for his funeral or anything of the sort. But maybe that’s just us? 

As a friend told me, I would both laugh and cry during this book and that I did. I plan to look up how the author had such an intimate knowledge of the evils of cancer and assume he lost a close family member. The movie however, I don’t think I can do it. Maybe if I need a good cry once it comes out on video (whoa this dates me... I meant On Demand) because some parts did hit too close to the heart and while getting some tears out helps from time to time, sobbing in the theatre doesn't sound all that appealing. 

Namaste,

Melissa 

the widow's book corner: The Four Agreements

I know, I know, it has been forever since I posted a book review. That does NOT mean I haven't read anything. In fact, I am typically reading three books at a time! I read a lot of books both fiction and self-helpesque while I was traveling but just didn't have enough energy or retention to write a full review. With a very long reading list after yoga teacher training, I am back to the book  reviews, even expanding from the somewhat depressing widow genre. The book I am reviewing in this post was also on my Yoga Teacher's reading list. I had never heard of it before but now that I am in the know, I have seen the author's quotes everywhere. I am guessing you might too, they are brilliant! Check it out... 

The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz

Amazon's Description:

Rooted in traditional Toltec wisdom beliefs, four agreements in life are essential steps on the path to personal freedom. As beliefs are transformed through maintaining these agreements, shamanic teacher and healer don Miguel Ruiz asserts lives will "become filled with grace, peace, and unconditional love."

My Description:

I am not going to pretend to know anything about Toltec wisdom beliefs here. The book as you can imagine provides four rules as to how to conduct your life so you can live your heaven here on earth. It explains that as humans we all live by a set of rules that were given to us by everyone; family, society, and friends. We have agreed to live by these rules whether we like or not or whether we agree with them or not. It's not encouraging people to live in a nudist colony bartering and forgoing all normal society, the book does however encourage you to live and do what makes you happy without worrying what anyone thinks. 

The Four Agreements are;

1. Be Impeccable with Your Word
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Don't Make Assumptions
4. Always do your Best

My Review:

I hope there aren't too many people reading this that wouldn't agree that the above list is a good one. Living it on a day to day basis is however a more difficult task. Being a Type A, I like my lists more defined and sometimes found the general agreements too broad. Ruiz did provide examples examples but I could have done with a few more. 

I especially love the idea of agreeing to not take anything personal. If you do, it does in fact make life a lot easier. Why shouldn't we take anything personally? Basically any time a person does something, it has more to do with them than it has to do with you. For example (see I told you I love examples), when someone calls you a butthead, it is because the person is having a bad day and they are mad or they are simply projecting the fact that they are a butthead on to you. Now, when someone does something to annoy me or make me mad, I end up feeling compassion for them because it makes me sad that they are angry enough to come after me or that they are in a bad place. It's a great way change your perspective. 

Which is really what the book did for me, changed my perspective. I didn't get a list to change myself overnight but I have a whole new set of questions to ask myself before I do or say something. 

Using my Kindle, I always highlight my favorite quotes. I skimmed through my notes and I had pages and pages of them, here are the Top 3...

"How many times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is thousands of times. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists, then that was enough; we don't need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again."

"God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, "I love you, God," is to live your life doing your best. The best way to say, "Thank you, God," is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and now."

"If you watch children when they are playing adults, you will see their little faces change. "Let's pretend I'm a lawyer," and right away their faces change; the adult face takes over. We go to court and that is the face we see -- and that is what we are. We are still children, but we have lost our freedom."

Namaste,

Melissa

The Widow's Book Corner - Yoga Bitch

First of all excuse my french in this title and blog! I don't like to curse in general unless I really want to make a point and I certainly don't like it eternalized in print but it's the title of the book. Welcome to my second book review, and this time it isn't a grief book but you guessed it, a yoga a book!

Yoga Bitch: One Woman's Quest to Conquer Skepticism, Cynicism, and Cigarettes on the Path to Enlightenment by Suzanne Morrison

I was most certainly drawn to this book due to the title. I may come across as a fitness lovin yogi but I certainly wasn't always this way. As one of my girlfriends shared this past weekend, I was the biggest party girl she knew in college, I was always down for fun. I will be honest, when I walked to the gym in college sometimes I would have a cigarette. I know right! And a lot of times I just worked out so I could eat one of the "low fat calzones" sold at the Rec Center. But oh well I was at the gym. So my journey to enlightenment (yeah right, not even close) didn't happen overnight. But happy to say I have much healthier habits now. I still love a good party but not as frequently and I mostly enjoy parties on my couch with wine. As I learned this weekend, I am too old for these shenanigans.

Okay enough rambling about my college indiscretions, back to the book. I started writing a description of the book but it's been awhile since I read it so I pulled the description from Amazon, see below.

Book Description:

What happens when a coffee-drinking, cigarette-smoking, steak-eating twenty-five-year-old atheist decides it is time to get in touch with her spiritual side? Not what you’d expect…

When Suzanne Morrison decides to travel to Bali for a two-month yoga retreat, she wants nothing more than to be transformed from a twenty-five-year-old with a crippling fear of death into her enchanting yoga teacher, Indra—a woman who seems to have found it all: love, self, and God.

But things don’t go quite as expected. Once in Bali, she finds that her beloved yoga teacher and all of her yogamates wake up every morning to drink a large, steaming mug…of their own urine. Sugar is a mortal sin. Spirits inhabit kitchen appliances. And the more she tries to find her higher self, the more she faces her cynical, egomaniacal, cigarette-, wine-, and chocolate-craving lower self.

Yoga Bitch chronicles Suzanne’s hilarious adventures and misadventures as an aspiring yogi who might be just a bit too skeptical to drink the Kool-Aid. But along the way she discovers that no spiritual effort is wasted; even if her yoga retreat doesn’t turn her into the gorgeously calm, wise believer she hopes it will, it does plant seeds that continue to blossom in surprising ways over the next decade of her life.
The book was basically Suzanne's journal. Sometimes I did wonder how the heck did this girl get to make a book out of her journal? If her journal could be a book, mine definitely could be a book! But in the end I am glad that I read this especially since I would like to do a teacher training and gave me some additional insight on what it would be like.

As you read from the description above, Suzanne's trip didn't transform her completely as she hoped. I realized that this wasn't going to happen about halfway through the book as Suzanne escaped the retreat to drink wine and milkshakes and I started to get a little bit mad about it. I am reading this to hear how this yoga training has changed her life! To understand how it could change mine!

Then I started to get nervous about my grief journey, what if it doesn't change my life? I certainly have moments of "enlightenment", when others are complaining about the tiny troubles and tribulations of life, I quietly remind myself that these things don't mater. Or when a women complains  about her husband or kids (and yep people do this ALL the time), I think, you don't know how lucky you are. But then.... I am walking around the loop wanting to push someone out of my way because they are walking too slow. Slow people are my pet peeve but where am I going in such a hurry? Or something really small irritates me and sometimes I then get mad at myself for being irritated about something so minimal. As you can see, I am no where near total enlightenment.

What will I do, if I don't reach total enlightenment at the end of this grief journey? I am not quite sure if I will ever be an enlightened guru and I am positive this grief journey will never end. This grief will become a part of me and will be with me forever. The moral I took from this book, sometimes it's not about the end result, it's about getting there. Which I think we can all agree is always true. I mentioned in another blog post that it was my goal to get into a handstand this year, what if I don't? Well, I guess I have enjoyed trying and practicing and it has made me stronger even if I don't get it by the end of the year.

Recommendation: This book is widow approved!

The Widow's Book Corner - What Remains

As promised, I will start reviewing books that I have read recently. Mostly of them will be about grief but I am sure some yoga books will show up from time to time. And, if I find a fiction book that I like, I won't keep that to myself and will pass it along ;) I can promise no talk of the Fifty Shades of Gray. Yes I did read it but that's about all that needs to be said.

After Matt's death, I quickly went out searching for grief books, in particular books focused on younger widows. There aren't that many out there but  amongst the few, there are some excellent reads. I have always been a person that fell back on books and used them to prepare myself for any of life's situations. I also love to read fiction books, I read a lot in the past year just to take me away from it all. I pretty much enjoy all books. I usually have one fiction and one self-help/informational book going at any given time. And my recent Kindle purchase has only added fuel to the fire. Before Matt and I bought a house I got a book to prepare myself called Buying a House  and before we adopted Lila, I picked up a copy of The Only Dog Training Book You'll Ever Need. Matt would always laugh at my "preparation" books but was happy when I came to our closing ready to have an informed conversation and won Lila from two other adoption applicants after I told the Adoption Director about my positive training techniques. I always turn to books and this period of my life has been no different. There are a lot of grief books to sort through out there so hopefully this provides a quick reference for anyone looking for a book in their time of need.

What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship and Love  by CaroleRadziwill

I LOVE the Real Housewives TV series on Bravo. I started with the original cast of Orange County and have followed them all since. It's my guilty pleasure and typically what I relax to in the evenings with a glass of wine. Matt couldn't stand the show and would leave the room entirely and just didn't understand how a bunch of woman bickering was enjoyable. But whatever, it is my football. Me and my girlfriends have spent many of hours having a laugh over this crazy cast of characters too. It's just plain old fashioned fun.  

I was looking forward to a new season of the Real Housewives of New York City a couple of months ago. Bravo had rehauled the cast year for some new spice with three new housewives. Much to my surprise, there is now widow on the cast, Carole Radziwill. I thought she was a  great addition; an easy going down to earth gal and couldn't wait to see how her character unfolded.  And how wonderful to see that a young beautiful widow went on to live her life and enjoy it! During her intro, I learned that Carol wrote a book, I couldn't want to pick up a copy.

To give you a quick synopis; Carole was married to Anthony Radziwill in August 1994 after meeting him on the set of ABC where they both focused on news documentaries. Anothony was the nephew of Jackie O'Nasis Kennedy and cousin of John Kennedy Jr. He was also a Polish prince making Carole a princess. Carole was also best friends with Carolyn Bessette. She was caring for Anthony who was near the end of his long battle with cancer in Martha's Vineyard, waiting for John and Carolyn to arrive when their plane fell into the Atlantic Ocean. Anthony passed away about 3 weeks later in August 1999 at the age of 40.

I eagerly delved into her book and it didn't let me down. The most relateble piece of the book was Carol's care giving role in her husband's life. Most of the blogs/books of young widows that I find, the husband's death was typically a sudden event. There are a lot of the same issues but it can be very different at the same time. I related to Carol and sometimes had to stop reading the book just to take it all in. To realize that I am not a total nut job and someone else had the same exact feelings! Or to stop the tears from rolling down my cheek on the El as I relived some of these feelings.

One of the other similarities that I associated with, was that Carol's husband was diagnosed with cancer prior to their engagement which was the case with Matt and myself. Carol shares of her relationship, "But cancer showed up like an unplanned pregnancy and completely defined who we were together." 

How correct Carole is. Matt was diagnosed with brain cancer about 9 months after we started dating when I woke up in the middle of the night to him having a seizure. We went on to be together for 75 more months of living with this beast. Now I can see it ruled our lives, even if we wouldn't admit it. I am so angry about that, it's simply not fair. We didn't have the time we deserved to be young, carefree, and in love. I also look at those 9 months and think, damn those were good. Those 9 months, 270 days of carefree living were amazing, they carried us through.

A friend once asked me, didn't you consider what the impact was of marrying a man with cancer? Nope, never even crossed my mind. I loved Matt and wanted to marry him. Nothing was holding me back.

Another thing I identified with Carole was not realizing it was the end until it really really was. I mean I knew it but then you can't really ever know it or prepare yourself. Then it just sneaks up on you, your life is completely unrecognizable and you don't have the chance to brace yourself for what is about to happen. I am sure some looked at me and thought, how could you not know? My answer, you simply can't live there. Especially when you are 29 years old. You can't fathom it. You can't know it until it's there and you always have to hold onto the hope.  

I really enjoyed reading this book despite reliving some very intense moments of the past year. It was nice to relate to someone who was a caregiver at such a young age. The one thing I would have wished to hear about... Carole's journey afterwards. How she healed and recovered from it. She shares some bits and pieces  on the show but I would like to know more, how she lived through to come out to the other side and be happy. She also mentions her husband frequently on the show, which is even more promising, going on to be happy and still hold the love and memory in your heart. During the show, Carole shares she working on another book, this time a fiction novel called The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating. She is also in talks to make this show a sitcom with the director/producer of Sex in the City. Looking forward to reading/watching more from Carolre.

I emailed Carole a couple of weeks ago. I haven't heard back, don't really sit around wondering if I will. I just had to let her know what her being on the show has meant to me. And of course to offer to star in the sitcom or at least provide some stories of my journey. And to yell at her for stealing my Real Housesives of Chicago widow angle.

Overall Recommendation: I would recommend this book to anyone  especially those who have been a caregiver to a spouse. Or to those that are a friend to someone who has had to care for their spouse with a terminal illness. 
Happy Reading,

Melissa