worst widow blogger ever but who cares... i'm engaged!

so i officially take the cake for worst widow blogger ever... if you can even call me a widow anymore! it's taken me so long to share this amazing news with you all! or maybe i am the best blogger ever because i was busy enjoying life! but back to the good stuff... yep you read right... i am engaged to my special someone!

i had planned a birthday trip for kyle a month after his actual birthday in a VW camper van. we had both dreamed of traveling the road via van and were eagerly looking forward to our trip for quite some time. the week before i was busy finalizing our travel plans and gathering last minute car camping supplies. i was a little surprised by kyle not taking part in planning and even accused him of not wanting to go! i kept myself busy by putting together the ultimate road trip playlist hoping nothing was amiss.

we headed up to orange county to pick up our van and headed up the the malibu coast and were at our beachside campsite set up and ready to go by about mid-afternoon. we headed for a walk with lila on the somewhat lonely beach shortly after. we walked and talked for a bit before i crept ahead of kyle when used my pace to his advantage and got down on one knee. i simply couldn't believe it before remembering i needed to say yes and taking a long look at the beautiful ring he wanted to put on my finger. we celebrated with more walking on the beach watching li chase the birds followed by dinner and drinks by the campfire.

i am so happy and can't wait to marry kyle. but since this is a widow blog, i of course have to mention the craziness of this situation. the constant feeling that i wouldn't be here in this place with this man without losing matt. it helps that kyle is such an understanding man and i think appreciates this fact. we talk about matt openly and he is a part of our life. even though i am moving forward i will never forget, its just become a part of me, this duality of my situation.

i look forward to sharing my road to the aisle as a widow. it's already proven to be interesting and i fell like an old pro at wedding planning now. i still get stressed about it but sometimes reality snaps me back in to place reminding me that it isn't that big of a deal. it just seems like there should be a new word for an engaged widow...

i said yes!

li checking out what all the commotion is about

my little family

overseeing the malibu beaches

happiness is hanging at the beach in the morn

second campsite in ojai

van in Santa Barbara

campsite in jalama beach

li making herself at home

a man and his van

on top of the world!

more running the beach

flying free

a little reflection time

happiness is feet next to the fire on the beach happily engaged

namaste

melissa

dying on your own terms? is it possible?

so you may have seen this video on your Facebook feed about a young woman who is 29, terminally ill and she wants to die on her own terms. i saw this appear on my feed on monday morning and  clicked on it without thinking about it too much. the video started to roll and a few moments later i was watching a young woman, Brittany, discuss her battle with brain cancer. she was initially diagnosed with the same tumor as Matt and then later was diagnosed with a tumor worse than the doctors initially thought, as a Grade 4 Glioblastoma. pretty much the worst word that you can hear in the brain tumor world and also what eventually matt's tumor grew to and took his life. she was given a few months to live and now Brittany wants to choose how she goes as the death of brain tumor patient has been explained to her and she doesn't want to go through this. she has moved to Oregon, where she can obtain a pill to end her life when she wishes without suffering. 

oh man. i quickly started tearing up as i was transported back to my life when i and my husband had to make similar decisions. her husband is also included on the video sharing his thoughts. so here goes my two cents on this obviously loaded emotional question...

 i think that anyone should be able to choose but i however, would never choose this for myself or for my spouse. i saw the devastating effects of a GBT play out on my sweet Matt. while i don't think he suffered in the end, he sure didn't live much of a life those last few months. and even though this may be true, i still couldn't suggest this. i think dying is a process for a reason. i have also seen my grandfather pass on and while the two were years and years apart, it was eerily similar. it seems to me that it is the way god or whoever or whatever intended it to be. that everyone needs this period to let things slow down naturally not only for them but for their friends and family. there were some very sweet, tender, raw moments in Matt's last few days that i would never give up for anything. and i now know what true love is. when matt passed, as awful as it was, it seemed to happen as it should. once matt couldn't live his life, he didn't put up much of a fight. i think his spirit knew when it was time to let go and find peace naturally. i just don't think i could give up on that one percent chance that my story might end differently, that i would be the one to show those doctors up. but then again, i couldn't even let the doctors tell me how long matt had to live. i wanted to try and live like it was our last moment together every moment. having an end date seems so so final. or maybe i just couldn't face the truth. 

namaste 

melissa 

i love pumpkin spice lattes but then again who doesn't?

i started my day with a yoga class at my studio Reach Yoga and then headed to Starbucks for a Pumpkin Spice Latte and couldn't be happier! i know i owe you a real blog and i am working on it for now here is a little fall humor!

namaste

melissa

an attitude of gratitude.... changes everything

for the past couple of weeks, i have noticed that people are being challenged to list five things that they are grateful for on Facebook for a week. i love this challenge but i am going to have to encourage you to take it one step further. pretty much every morning i start my day by writing down three things that i am grateful and i have to admit, it's pretty life changing. try it out for a week, a month, a year.... i guarantee you'll try to do it everyday. there's even an app for it! check out gratitude journal for iPhone if you are more likely to do this electronically.

with gratitude,

melissa

we remember

today along with the rest of the country, i remember the tragic events thirteen years ago. i still remember standing in my college apartment watching this happen. of course i understood what a tragedy this was but after reading a 9/11 widow's book and going through my own loss did i truly understand the magnitude of grief that was caused in it's wake. thinking of all those that were affected and hoping they have found happiness. below are pictures from a trip in 2012 to NYC. this city certainly can't be held down by it's loss and has moved on to be better and bigger than ever. 

tree pose in NYC where you can see the new World Trade Center being built

still standing grand

the breathtaking 9/11 memorial

namaste

Melissa 

yogi luv... judgement free

doing a judgement free yoga class today! we judge ourselves in our practice, we judge others, and we judge ourselves. give it up for today and love a little more!

yogi luv

perfect given my new camera obsession!