Widow's Book Corner - Checking Out: An In-Depth Look At Losing Your Mind

I know you have all been waiting for another book review. I can't keep up with my speed of reading! This was a book I had wanted to read for a long time, my aunt had passed along the recommendation. This is the only account from a widow who lost her husband to brain cancer that I have read. There probably aren't a ton out there. I have read a lot of widow books thus far and lately I have felt myself wanting to read some "lighter" books. I have only moved on to a spiritual memoir but I guess it's a change. In the beginning I craved to understand that all the emotions I was feeling were "normal". Well now I know, it's all part of the grief process. All of these books certainly have helped me realize this but I also thought the other day, no matter how books I read, I can't read away this pain. So here it is....

Checking Out: An In-Depth Look At Losing Your Mind by Catherine Graves

Book Description

Publication Date: April 25, 2011

Making mistakes and owning up to them can be difficult, but feeling truly absolved is much more difficult. In Checking Out: An In-Depth Look At Losing Your Mind, new author, Catherine Graves, does what shelves and shelves of self-help books could never do; Graves makes keeping it together possible by realizing that the poor choices and mistakes she makes has consequences and repercussions. By forgiving herself for her actions she is able to inspire others to see that there is life at the other end of immense grief. When her husband starts to act out-of-character and increasingly disinterested, Catherine Graves suspects the worst—but while she needs confirmation of one sort, a different type of nightmare begins, which becomes the toughest year of her and her two children’s lives - a dreadful year in which nothing for their family will ever be the same. Moving beyond survivor’s guilt and any sense of resentment, this poignant, bittersweet memoir is about tolerance and humility. Checking Out: An In-Depth Look At Losing Your Mind is about a mother, a son, and a daughter pulling together in order to survive. Readers will respond to the narrator’s honesty—this sort of candor is hard to come by—and be thankful to lead less extraordinary lives. Catherine’s real-life story is as dramatic as any thriller; ultimately, it motivates readers to accept the things in their lives that they cannot change.

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Widow's Book Corner Review:

As I shared, my aunt had told me about this book quite some time ago and I was anxious to read it as this was the first book that I had read from another widow who had lost her husband to brain cancer. And well the book title kind of says it all I guess?

The beginning of the book is what I found the most interesting or shall I say the most eerily identifiable with. Catherine Grave's husband, John Graves, begins to act very different. She actually suspects that he is having an affair and then ultimately thinks he is having some sort of a mental break down. She decides to take him to a mental facility where the Doctors tell her that what he is experiencing is physical and they rush him to a hospital immediately. Her husband is diagnosed with a glioblastoma (GBM or Grade 4 Brain Tumor). The worst type of tumor. Matt was never officially diagnosed with this. His diagnosis was a Grade 3 tumor but his certainly acted more like a GBM especially towards the end. I found Catherine's description of a GBM especially haunting, "All in all, you'd rather have almost anything other than glioma. You'd rather have a dead-shot hired killer trying to track you down. At least then you'd know what you were fighting, and you might have a chance to get the first shot off." I remember sitting in the emergency room hall (there were no open rooms) of Northwestern. The nurse came out and told us that Matt had a Glioma. I had no idea of the magnitude of what she told me that day. I didn't even know what the hell a glioma was. After the diagnosis, Catherine's husband endured surgery, chemo, and radiation. John passed away about five and a half months later.

I can't imagine what this woman went through. Yet I know it all too well. I could barely read the beginning of this book, it hit way too close too home. I wanted to read it but I would read a sentence and I felt her pain so much that I could barely read another sentence. I KNEW that Matt had a brain tumor that wasn't going away and I STILL didn't know that it was affecting him from a mental functioning stand point. Or perhaps I refused to believe? Just about a year ago now when his personality began to shift, I just didn't put two and two together. I would also get upset with him, why don't you do this or that or want to go out or talk to me more. I didn't know that this is how these tumors manifest themselves. Matt had seizures before, his persona was never altered. I was on the lookout for seizures not this! And then the decline came quickly with Matt soon needing someone to be with him at all times should he head outside, lock the door, and take off somewhere. This woman didn't even know her husband had a tumor and experienced similar changes in John only to lose him months afterwards. I can't even imagine, no wonder she lost her mind! Catherine  experienced a lot of guilt especially since she suspected him of something so harsh. I sometimes feel guilty for being upset with Matt at times but how did I know? I was just doing the best I could each day, I have made peace with it. But really, after you lose someone, I am positive there is no way not to feel some hints of guilt.   

After her husband's death, Catherine fell into a deep depression and eventually checked into a mental facility. She went on to write this book and work to help others and let others know her story. She certainly inspired me in this way. Catherine states,  "I didn't want to live a life worth a book or a magazine piece, nor even a short prizewinning film with the part of me being played by Sandra Bullock. I craved a normal life with a husband I'd spend a long time with that would be so wonderful, that fifty years later, it would feel like only a moment had passed." Although, my lead would be played by Hilary Duff, I did not want this "sob story" to be mine. But it is. And it is mine to do with it what I know I must. I will turn this all into something positive and I know it will have something to do with helping others. I look forward to seeing how this unfolds. Thank you Matt for inspiring me.

Recommendation: I am going to go ahead and recommend this to all those that have experienced the loss of someone who had a brain tumor specifically to those that are friends or family of a spouse that has lost someone to brain cancer. Yes, that is a very spelled out hint for my friends and family to read this book. Sometimes I, nor others in my life realize or remember the magnitude of what I have gone through. This book clearly reminds me that what I went through was intense, not easy, and not to be taken lightly. Not that I do, I am living this truth every day but I mean my husband died from brain cancer at the age of 32. There isn't a lot more seriously intense than that. (I had to come back and add this as it's been bothering me... I know there are worse things out there and I am greatful for what I have been given) This is way too much to get over in a few months and thankfully I have not ended up in a mental facility but it would be certianly understandable. Some people are just realizing what the hell happened after 7 months. In writing this review, I paged through all of my Kindle highlights and was simply amazed by all of the quotes in the book that related to me. The following post will be a collection of those quotes.

http://catherine-graves.com/

Namaste

October 1st

It's been a long day as I feel like two years ago today my life fell apart. Two years ago today I lost my Pappy to cancer. Two months after that Matt's second brain tumor was found. Since this day two years ago, there hasn't been a lot of calm in my life. It seems impossible that the two favorite men in my life are gone. And even more impossible that I have survived. If a fortune teller would have told me this was my fate, I would have punched her in the face.

That's all I am going to say for today as I need to spend some snuggle time with Lila on the couch.  I simply don't have the energy to try to write a tribute blog to share how much Pappy meant to my life, what a shining light he was to me and how much I miss him, his wisdom, and of course his jokes. Matt loved him very much as well, they easily became buds. How could they not? They were both wonderful easy going fun loving guys who loved football. I also spent a good portion of yesterday blogging for the Chicagoland Young Widow Connection as their guest blogger so I am blogged out . The theme is the same from many of my previous posts here but check it out... http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/listen-your-body-monday-october-1-2012. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to reach other widows out there and I can only hope it helps someone in their journey.  

Namaste

My Two Favorites 

Down the Aisle 

Grandfather/Daughter Dance 

A Picnic with Pappy

More lounging at the Picnic

Madtown

I am sitting in my hotel room in Madison, WI starting this post. This town is Matt's town, he loved Madison. I got to know and love this city because of him. We dreamed to start our family life here.

Matt attended the University of Wisconsin and loved every minute of it. As I shared in a previous post, he loved the Badgers and of course this is where it all started. He furthered many friendships from Appleton here and also made new ones. One of the many things I admire about Matt was his ability to maintain his friendships. In a time when it's easy to get lost in our own world, Matt always made the time to call friends and catch up. And yes I said call, he didn't text, he called to say hello and see how things were going. I only hope that I can stay in touch with friends as he did.

The first time I ever came to Madison was not on the best of terms. Matt had a 2nd seizure shortly after his first when they were working on finding the right amount of anti-seizure meds that he needed. I got the call that he had a seizure and quickly drove the 3 hours to be with him and spent the night in the hospital snuggling with him in his very small bed. The next day we rallied and went through with plans to stay for the football game.

We went on to enjoy many weekends in Madison for football games, weddings, and general merriment. The hotel that I am staying at we stayed together many times and was even the same place he was staying at when he had the seizure. He had the seizure in the hallway when his roommate/coworker found him. He had showed me which room he was in and I recognize the bend in the hallway. I also remember staying here for a wedding. We had spent the morning walking around the fabulous downtown farmer's market and relaxed here afterwards snacking on the delicious cheesy bread the market is famous for.

Madison was also the town we talked about moving to and starting a family. We didn't see ourselves living in Chicago forever and thought we would end up here eventually. I love this town, it has a good vibe, plenty of culture and things to do with that down home mid-west style that I know and love. Of course Matt loved it for many reasons including the love of football energizing the town especially this Friday before a game.

But I am here on my own, feeling like an intruder to his favorite town. I don't know if intruder is the right word considering we spent many good times here and talked about our future here but I guess what I mean is I hate being here without him. I am here for work as I recruit at the University of Wisconsin. I remember getting this job and feeling so excited to tell him that I would be responsible for recruiting at UW. That I could somehow connect myself to this wonderful part of his life!

I cried on my way into town and  then at the Career Fair. I saw him turning the corner with that big beautiful smile, resume in hand, dressed up in his suit, all the hope and enthusiasm for the next stage of life. Crying isn't necessarily a good look for a recruiter so I quietly pulled myself together never missing a positive recruiter beat.

I could have sulked for the rest of the night but I had reached out to some of Matt's friends to let them know that I would be in town and met up with them at State Street Brats. I am glad I did. I am always glad when I meet up with his friends. We share memories and have a good laugh. Walking up the Brathaus, I was worried I would lose it but I didn't somehow. I don't know how I do it sometimes. I think it's the talk of good times and his good nature, sharing the love of him with someone.

I asked Matt once what his favorite time of life was. I think that's a pretty hard question to answer for anyone considering each stage has a uniqueness to it that makes it special and uncomparable. But being his wife, I expected him to say of course marrying you! But the majority of the time I was with Matt we were plagued with this awful tumor. His response, being at UW. I can't blame him, being in college has an innocence and fun to it that you can only hope to experience once. And after being diagnosed with a brain tumor, who can blame him for preferring a time when this didn't weigh him down. Some wives might be upset to hear this but I understand and I know I made Matt a happy man. The only thing I felt when he told me this which I shared with him between tears was that I was sad I couldn't be a part of his life then. First of all I wished we had more and more and more time together and if we went to UW together we would have had that. But just to have more time together not being weighted down by all this. I found myself again wishing for that. Not that I would take back my time in college, it made me the person that I am today but oh to have more time with him...

A great breakfast joint taken in Fall 2006... ate here by myself this past Friday

 

Fall 2006 - I think this was taken on my first trip to Madison

 

Enjoying beers at the Union before a Wedding

 

Hiking with Lila in Madison for the afternoon

 

 

 

Fall 2006 in front of Camp Randall

Widow's Book Corner - The Alchemy of Loss

I bought The Alchemy of Loss by Abigail Carter some time ago and hadn't gotten around to reading it until a few weeks ago. The Amazon description is included below...

From Publishers Weekly

Carter's husband, C. Arron Dack, was probably in Windows on the World, the restaurant atop the World Trade Center, when the planes hit on 9/11. Although she hoped he'd miraculously survived, when he didn't turn up the next day, her grieving began. Carter, who now lives in Seattle, Wash., bases her grieving process on a book by Kathleen Brehony called After the Darkest Hour: the first stage, blackening, which in alchemy strips down lead to its original alloys, corresponded to her initial phase of disorienting grief, when she hardly knew how to live day to day, much less how to comfort their two small children, ages two and six. Next, the whitening stage purified the metal; for Carter, some new routines took hold and she started feeling as though she might make it. The final stage, reddening, when the base metal turns to pure gold, corresponded to Carter's own enlightenment. She accepted that she wasn't very good at her former job anymore, and she accepted that she didn't want to live in the house or the town that she'd shared with her husband. Resilient in the end, Carter shares all her doubts and fears along the way, which other grieving widows may appreciate.

 

Publishers Weekly is correct, I appreciated this book and Abigail sharing her story. Her husband's death was very different but in the end; grief is the same. Abigail discussed the up and down periods very well and made me again understand, it's just how it is.

I did find myself thinking, would it be easier to have the whole nation grieving with you? I felt that at least the country stopped with her when her world stopped. For me, after the initial couple of weeks, it was hard to discover that time had kept ticking without my Matt here, that the world didn't stop. But Abigail also shared some difficulties with the situation besides the obvious such as not having a memorial that she thought was unique to her husband. There is no "perfect" way to lose a loved one. Each circumstance has its uniqueness that makes it especially difficult.

 

After reading this book, I realized that 9/11 left a HUGE wake of grieving people. I mean, I knew this when it happened but now I feel it. I will never forget standing in my college sophomore apartment watching the Towers fall. Everyone talks about remembering 9/11 but this book and my loss really made me think about all those grieving afterwards. I can't even imagine. Sometimes you simply can't understand grief until you go through it.

I went to Hot Yoga tonight led by one of my favorite Insturctors. The Instructor  shared at the begninning of class that he was in the military and had lost friends on 9/11 so he wanted to have a memorial type class and encouraged us to stay silent and he would do as he quietly guided us through the postures. He reminded us that part of meditation is understanding that it is impossible to quiet our minds and that we are not the hectic scattered thoughts racing through us.
 

On the train today, I was contemplating which grief/widow book to read next. I remembered that on last week's episode of the Housewives, Carole Radziwill mentioned a book by the widow of a former football player, Pat Tillman. I was espcially intersted given Matt's love for football. I googled the topic and learned that Pat Tillman was an Arizona Cardinals player who left the team to enlist in the wake of 9/11 and lost his life in Afghanistan. His wife. Marie Tillman, wrote the book The Letter: My Journey Through Love, Loss, and Life. This book shares the story of their love through letters exchanged between them for years. Pat even left Marie a last letter should he never return. I also found an article about Marie in the Chicago Tribune written last month. The article shared that she had just moved to Chicago with her new husband and 6 month old baby. I felt very connected to those that lost on September 11th, eleven years ago today. Needless to say, this will be my next book.

http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-08-13/news/ct-talk-brotman-tillman-0813-20120813_1_love-story-pat-tillman-army-after9

Today I am remembering all those lives lost eleven years ago and the people that were left behind grieving. I hope that those that mourned have lived on to find happiness and peace.

Namaste 

6 Month Check-Up

It is a PERFECT fall day today. It is also 6 months today. Unbelievable. I have been on this earth without my best friend and the love of my life for 6 months. It feels both like yesterday and an eternity ago.

I am not sure how I am feeling today. Overall this week I have been feeling better. Just like I don't why I am sometimes so down, I don't know what changed to make me feel better. Perhaps it was a trip to Ohio for Labor Day to visit with family and old friends. Perhaps it's the passage of time. Perhaps it's the changing season. All I know is that I have felt lighter and more positive. At the end of each day, I haven't felt like I was run over by a Semi Truck. I am tiptoeing around hoping that this lasts for awhile. I am no fool, I now know how grief works and I know there will be more bad days. But today, I am not feeling as bad. This doesn't mean that I don't think about Matt or miss him every second of every day. It just feels different. So today at the 6 month mark, I am trying not to let a specific day get me down or ruin my positive streak.

On this perfect fall day,I am trying to enjoy it like Matt would. I did a lot of things Matt loved this weekend; rode my bike, took Lila to the dog park, hung out with friends. I also swept up the patio, that was Matt's chore. He used to tell me that the outside was his responsibility and the inside was mine. If you have ever been to my Chicago condo you know that wasn't a fair division of duties. When he would sweep it up he would be so proud, getting mad if I didn't mention it immediately. He would be proud of how nice the patio looks with all my flowers. I am also enjoying the start of NFL. Again, I am no football fan but it just didn't feel right not to have it on the TV. So I have the game going on surround sound as I putter around getting my chores for the week done. Yesterday a friend asked me if WI won, I felt so connected to Matt at that moment. They asked me because they knew I was keeping up with WI for my man. God I miss him enjoying this day with me.

Fall Mums 

 

Lila Enjoying the clean Patio

I wanted some sort of a checklist to see what kinds of things I should be thinking about at the 6 month mark. I know, how Type A, Accountant of me. I didn't want to compare myself to anything, again I am no fool and know that the grief timeline is different for everyone. I just wanted some ideas of things to think about as a check in. I did a quick google search and didn't find anything but saw article after article stating that grief typically diminishes after 6 months. I don't know about all that but I am focusing on the thought that last week was better, I am feeling okay today and hopefully will tomorrow.  

ESPN Zone

As many of you are aware, football kicked off this weekend. With the start of the fall sports season, I am tackling another wave of emotions. Matt was one of the biggest sports fans there was. He loved it, all of it. He was a die hard Wisconsin fan following the Badgers, Packers and Brewers. Most of the gifts that I got Matt over the years had to do with some sports team. One of the first being an old school Milwaukee Brewers jacket. Two years ago I bought him a vintage UW calendar. For his last birthday, I took him to the UW vs. Purdue game. What a great time we had. I could go on for awhile here. I knew some especially unique sports shirt/poster/etc. would be a sure fire win. Now I am left with our second room, Matt's room, filled with all the WI paraphernalia collected over the years, piles of red and green shirts folded neatly in the drawers. As teams kickoff this year, I am really sad. I miss his enthusiasm for the game. I miss hearing his outlook for the season. I miss hearing him talk about the game of the day. Our weekend plans revolved around the games. 

Truthfully, I am not a football fan. Sorry to say that after being a cheerleader for four years in high school, going to games in college, and being married to Matt... I am still not exactly sure of how the game works. As Matt would say, I am a fan of any game that I can go to, put on a cute T-shirt and drink some beers. I enjoy the fanfare. I like the crisp fall air with a hint of summer and the smell of the turning leaves. I adored Matt's love of the game. He turned this Ohio girl into a Badgers/Packers fan. Although this year, I have been hesitant to step up to the sidelines. I don't miss the game but I miss his joy of the season. I miss him. I feel like there is giant hole on the 50 yard line of my heart. 

Also with the start of the season brings two more milestones, next Sunday will be 6 months. And around this time last year is when Matt began to exhibit signs of his growing brain tumor. One of the first times I realized something was really amiss was in October when Matt was planning to be at a Bachelor Party which included tailgating at the Packers game. A few days before I asked him the plans and he had forgotten about it. This was not my Matt. And then his lack of excitement or interest in the Super Bowl was astounding. I can barely believe how much my life has changed within the past year and 6 months. My grief began about a year ago as the tumor took away the sports fan I knew and I started to make very important calls on my own.

I will be so lost this season, for many many reasons. I would tell Matt on the end of Sundays to fill me on the highlights of the day so I could be clued in for the following Monday 's office sports talk. I won't have any idea of what the play of the day is. At some point, I know I will be able to put on my Badgers and Packers gear with pride and joy but right now it hurts way too much. I want to close my eyes and ears to it all. I don't have the energy to check the scoreboard. I want him to be here telling me that our Saturday needs to be planned around a 3.30 game or waiting for the schedule to be confirmed so we can decide what to do. Walking to a sports bar near our place for a Saturday filled with beers and football.  Matt be-bopping around the house with the completion, Lila enjoying all the jumping around. I want him to be watching the game with a friend's husband as I visited them yesterday. Me planning a birthday surprise with tickets to the game. Doing a pride of stride with Lila past all the Bears fans down the street. It's just not the same without him, I am so so lost this season.

Wisconsin vs. Purdue November 2011

Matt's 32nd Birthday Celebration



The Widow's Book Corner - Yoga Bitch

First of all excuse my french in this title and blog! I don't like to curse in general unless I really want to make a point and I certainly don't like it eternalized in print but it's the title of the book. Welcome to my second book review, and this time it isn't a grief book but you guessed it, a yoga a book!

Yoga Bitch: One Woman's Quest to Conquer Skepticism, Cynicism, and Cigarettes on the Path to Enlightenment by Suzanne Morrison

I was most certainly drawn to this book due to the title. I may come across as a fitness lovin yogi but I certainly wasn't always this way. As one of my girlfriends shared this past weekend, I was the biggest party girl she knew in college, I was always down for fun. I will be honest, when I walked to the gym in college sometimes I would have a cigarette. I know right! And a lot of times I just worked out so I could eat one of the "low fat calzones" sold at the Rec Center. But oh well I was at the gym. So my journey to enlightenment (yeah right, not even close) didn't happen overnight. But happy to say I have much healthier habits now. I still love a good party but not as frequently and I mostly enjoy parties on my couch with wine. As I learned this weekend, I am too old for these shenanigans.

Okay enough rambling about my college indiscretions, back to the book. I started writing a description of the book but it's been awhile since I read it so I pulled the description from Amazon, see below.

Book Description:

What happens when a coffee-drinking, cigarette-smoking, steak-eating twenty-five-year-old atheist decides it is time to get in touch with her spiritual side? Not what you’d expect…

When Suzanne Morrison decides to travel to Bali for a two-month yoga retreat, she wants nothing more than to be transformed from a twenty-five-year-old with a crippling fear of death into her enchanting yoga teacher, Indra—a woman who seems to have found it all: love, self, and God.

But things don’t go quite as expected. Once in Bali, she finds that her beloved yoga teacher and all of her yogamates wake up every morning to drink a large, steaming mug…of their own urine. Sugar is a mortal sin. Spirits inhabit kitchen appliances. And the more she tries to find her higher self, the more she faces her cynical, egomaniacal, cigarette-, wine-, and chocolate-craving lower self.

Yoga Bitch chronicles Suzanne’s hilarious adventures and misadventures as an aspiring yogi who might be just a bit too skeptical to drink the Kool-Aid. But along the way she discovers that no spiritual effort is wasted; even if her yoga retreat doesn’t turn her into the gorgeously calm, wise believer she hopes it will, it does plant seeds that continue to blossom in surprising ways over the next decade of her life.
The book was basically Suzanne's journal. Sometimes I did wonder how the heck did this girl get to make a book out of her journal? If her journal could be a book, mine definitely could be a book! But in the end I am glad that I read this especially since I would like to do a teacher training and gave me some additional insight on what it would be like.

As you read from the description above, Suzanne's trip didn't transform her completely as she hoped. I realized that this wasn't going to happen about halfway through the book as Suzanne escaped the retreat to drink wine and milkshakes and I started to get a little bit mad about it. I am reading this to hear how this yoga training has changed her life! To understand how it could change mine!

Then I started to get nervous about my grief journey, what if it doesn't change my life? I certainly have moments of "enlightenment", when others are complaining about the tiny troubles and tribulations of life, I quietly remind myself that these things don't mater. Or when a women complains  about her husband or kids (and yep people do this ALL the time), I think, you don't know how lucky you are. But then.... I am walking around the loop wanting to push someone out of my way because they are walking too slow. Slow people are my pet peeve but where am I going in such a hurry? Or something really small irritates me and sometimes I then get mad at myself for being irritated about something so minimal. As you can see, I am no where near total enlightenment.

What will I do, if I don't reach total enlightenment at the end of this grief journey? I am not quite sure if I will ever be an enlightened guru and I am positive this grief journey will never end. This grief will become a part of me and will be with me forever. The moral I took from this book, sometimes it's not about the end result, it's about getting there. Which I think we can all agree is always true. I mentioned in another blog post that it was my goal to get into a handstand this year, what if I don't? Well, I guess I have enjoyed trying and practicing and it has made me stronger even if I don't get it by the end of the year.

Recommendation: This book is widow approved!