I have posted a lot about events, firsts, trips, and headstands and how these have impacted me. I don't think I have really discussed or could ever possibly emphasize enough the loneliness of being in this place. Perhaps I have in earlier rants but I am just feeling it so much right now that I have to dedicate a whole post to it. Losing your best friend through life is the worst part of this whole process.
The past two weekends were full of celebrating including a friend's birthday , a wedding, and the holidays. All were good fun with plenty of friends and laughs but I missed Matt. I missed my date through life. I missed walking into the party with him... I missed talking to him at the party... I missed laughing about it the next day. Please don't take this to mean I am one of the those namby pamby women that can't go places without someone by her side, I am pretty independent woman and going by myself isn't the issue...but Matt, Matt I want by my side.
On Sunday, the loneliness was eating at me. I basically walked around in a panic all day because I missed him so much and because I couldn't find my old Iphone which has tons of messages from Matt on it. It's so hard to go from sharing your life explicitly with someone to not. You come home everyday to tell the person what happened to you. I love to talk and tell a good a story so our evenings were typically spent discussing the day over dinner or TV. Sometimes I can't help but hang my head when I come home to see my place dim under the street lamps the warm glow of Matt inside with the lights on gone. Thankfully, I have family members that talk to me on pretty much a daily basis.... my three leading ladies; my aunt, my mom, and my grandma. They pretty much pick up the phone at anytime and always call me back. They have certainly helped to put my "I need to tell someone this energy" somewhere. As you can guess, it's not quite the same.
In marriage, you are signing up for someone to become your life partner, your lives become quickly intertwined. Your day and your happiness is theirs and it all becomes one. It's the little things that you share on a day to day basis that are fun, sad, silly, stupid, your life. I miss it so much. I miss telling Matt everything. I STILL have things happen in my life and can't want to tell him. Honestly, these usually aren't big things... telling him that I saw the crazy guy at the dog park, that I got a free Potbelly sandwich, that I saw his buddy on the train. Of course there are the big things that I miss sharing too; that I had to have another laser treatment on my foot, that I turned 30, that I did a headstand.
I miss him so much right now, its palpable (line stolen from Carrie Bradshaw). Like I said, all the celebrating hit me hard compiled with the holidays and the overall grief of the country, it's too much. The days are getting longer for me filled with lots of ups and downs and general exhaustion by bedtime. I am excited about my new life plans but I am tired of scheming. I have been agonizing over renting this condo so all can go as planned. I want to be talking about our plans for Christmas discussing what time we will take off on Saturday... not deciding when I will leave to trek across the country and move from our home... talking about when we will start trying to have kids not dreaming up the best way to start over.
I have been reading a book a dear friend gave to me, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron and for the day I leave you with two paragraphs from her book although I highly recommend reading her book in particular the chapter on loneliness. I will certainly be working on this over the holiday season...
"Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It's restless and pregnant and hot with desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down."
"When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this."
Namaste,
Melissa
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Scrooge or Cindy Lou?
I blogged about Christmas as a Guest Blogger for the Chicagoland Young Widow Connection. Check it out here...
http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/scrooge-or-cindy-lou-monday-december-10-2012
http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/scrooge-or-cindy-lou-monday-december-10-2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The Calm After the Storm
So I am writing which means I made it through another milestone. How did I fare? It went okay. It actually gave me some renewed hope for what is sure to be an emotional holiday season.
Friday I attended the mass to commemorate All Soul's Day. The church invited us to bring a picture of our loved one and I brought the picture of Matt posted below. This was taken on the sunset cruise in Aruba. I have to say, Matt had the best picture. It was sad to hear his name read especially given the rest of the church goes who probably lost their loved one at a more "typical age". I had dinner with friends afterwards and it was a nice way to spend the evening.
The following day, I went to my Zumba event and it was great and I learned a lot! Afterwards I went to a mall in the suburbs I had never been to before. Living in the city, I love a good mall. It didn't turn out well though. The juxtaposition between what I was going through and the material consumption was too much. I made a quick exit and had a breakdown in traffic on the way home. Traffic just has that effect. And mostly, I could hear Matt wondering why the hell I had gone to a mall in the suburbs on his birthday. He would have shaken his head in disbelief wondering what I was thinking. Not because he cared that's what I had chosen to do on his bday but why I thought it was a good idea to go to a mall in the suburbs on a Saturday afternoon.
That's the thing about Matt. He never felt a sense of obligation to this or that or doing what the world thought he should. He was true to himself and did what made him happy. Throughout his bday I wondered what Matt would want me to do? He would want me to do what would make me happy. He wouldn't want me to do this or that because that's what I should be doing. He just liked to see me happy. God love him. I am so lucky to have this example in my life.
So today is 8 months (or it was when I first drafted this on Friday, November 9th). After preparing for last weekend, I didn't have the energy to agonize for another. Right now, I am thinking it's just another day. Eight months doesn't seem that significant but when I think about nine that means more than half a year, almost a year! As I mentioned, after last weekend, I am feeling a renewed sense of hope. I was able to more positively reflect on good memories on this milestone instead of being incapacitated like I was on our first anniversary. I enjoyed making a list of birthdays celebrated and focused on happy memories. I can't describe how much this puts me at ease for the holidays. I know they will still be hard but at least I was finally able to move past the horrible deliberating sense of sadness to reflect on the positive. When you are in the first couple months of grief, it's impossible to find or see. You are simply to sad and stricken to see anything but that. People tell you at least you had so many good times and you just want to puke and tell them I am not done with the good times! Again, I will still need to prepare and take it easy on myself for the holidays but they seem much more manageable with some warm memories amongst the sadness.
I have also been making some exciting plans for the future which has kept me energized and looking forward to each new day. More to come on this. I will also be hosting a Zumbathon to benefit the American Brain Tumor Association on December 1st. Please find all the details here http://hope.abta.org/zumbathon. Putting effort into throwing a successful Zumba event for the ABTA has been an excellent way to channel my energy and I can't wait to see how it all turns out! The support that I have received from family, friends, and students has been amazing and inspiring. Thanks to all that are willing to travel to this event and volunteer your talents. Hope to Zumba with you on December 1st!
Namaste,
Zumbamel
Namaste
Friday I attended the mass to commemorate All Soul's Day. The church invited us to bring a picture of our loved one and I brought the picture of Matt posted below. This was taken on the sunset cruise in Aruba. I have to say, Matt had the best picture. It was sad to hear his name read especially given the rest of the church goes who probably lost their loved one at a more "typical age". I had dinner with friends afterwards and it was a nice way to spend the evening.
The following day, I went to my Zumba event and it was great and I learned a lot! Afterwards I went to a mall in the suburbs I had never been to before. Living in the city, I love a good mall. It didn't turn out well though. The juxtaposition between what I was going through and the material consumption was too much. I made a quick exit and had a breakdown in traffic on the way home. Traffic just has that effect. And mostly, I could hear Matt wondering why the hell I had gone to a mall in the suburbs on his birthday. He would have shaken his head in disbelief wondering what I was thinking. Not because he cared that's what I had chosen to do on his bday but why I thought it was a good idea to go to a mall in the suburbs on a Saturday afternoon.
That's the thing about Matt. He never felt a sense of obligation to this or that or doing what the world thought he should. He was true to himself and did what made him happy. Throughout his bday I wondered what Matt would want me to do? He would want me to do what would make me happy. He wouldn't want me to do this or that because that's what I should be doing. He just liked to see me happy. God love him. I am so lucky to have this example in my life.
So today is 8 months (or it was when I first drafted this on Friday, November 9th). After preparing for last weekend, I didn't have the energy to agonize for another. Right now, I am thinking it's just another day. Eight months doesn't seem that significant but when I think about nine that means more than half a year, almost a year! As I mentioned, after last weekend, I am feeling a renewed sense of hope. I was able to more positively reflect on good memories on this milestone instead of being incapacitated like I was on our first anniversary. I enjoyed making a list of birthdays celebrated and focused on happy memories. I can't describe how much this puts me at ease for the holidays. I know they will still be hard but at least I was finally able to move past the horrible deliberating sense of sadness to reflect on the positive. When you are in the first couple months of grief, it's impossible to find or see. You are simply to sad and stricken to see anything but that. People tell you at least you had so many good times and you just want to puke and tell them I am not done with the good times! Again, I will still need to prepare and take it easy on myself for the holidays but they seem much more manageable with some warm memories amongst the sadness.
I have also been making some exciting plans for the future which has kept me energized and looking forward to each new day. More to come on this. I will also be hosting a Zumbathon to benefit the American Brain Tumor Association on December 1st. Please find all the details here http://hope.abta.org/zumbathon. Putting effort into throwing a successful Zumba event for the ABTA has been an excellent way to channel my energy and I can't wait to see how it all turns out! The support that I have received from family, friends, and students has been amazing and inspiring. Thanks to all that are willing to travel to this event and volunteer your talents. Hope to Zumba with you on December 1st!
Namaste,
Zumbamel
Namaste
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