the holiday season is here!

that's it! i am going to quit apologizing for not blogging! i enjoy it especially sharing my story with other widows but life has been busy lately. i recently heard a little saying or quote that, "every time you say yes to something, you no to something else". it's so true, there is only time for so much but with the majority of our wedding planned and work slowing down, hopefully i will have a little more time for this in 2015. for now, on to the good stuff.

i have really settled into my new Cali holiday traditions this year and eagerly looked forward to a visit from my mom and nanny for thanksgiving. they came out the day before tgiving and we spent the first day dining by the sea and enjoying a couple of glasses of wine before they headed to their little cottage down the street to recover from the time change. on thanksgiving, my mom and i attended an amazing yet extremely packed donation yoga class at a local studio (happy-u namaste). we headed back and kyle and i prepped to host our first thanksgiving! i handled the sides and he sat outside in the sun frying our turkey. my family was there along with another couple that live nearby. although i wish i had a little more table and space to host, it was perfect. while we did most of it, nanny was there to help and it was so comforting to have her in the kitchen with me.

and in one of the dumbest bridal planning moves ever, i scheduled some dress shopping for the weekend after massive eating. me, my mom, nan, and my matron of honor headed to a couple of shops to check out some dresses and i said yes to the dress! i tried some on at david's bridal before heading to brides by demetrios and found a dress 70% off on the rack! i think it will be perfect for our causal beachside wedding and can't wait for kyle to see me in it! although we had already found the dress, we headed up to beverly hills to check out another store the following day. the bridal dresses were beautiful but i was still happy with my choice and even found a sale rehearsal dress! then we went to one of the housewives new restaurants and ended up sitting right next to Lisa Vanderpump, the housewife herself! as most of you know the housewives are absolutely my guilty pleasure and it was so fun to get a pic with her and my nan!

the rest of the weekend was filled with walking the beach, watching sunsets at our wedding venue, eating fish tacos, and enjoying all things that SoCal has to offer during the holidays! i have really been able to start some new holiday traditions out here and i am so happy to be celebrating in this new way with both new and old family and friends. kyle and i started dating last year right before thanksgiving and then our relationship really started getting serious around christmas so it has been especially nice to have traditions with him this year. we are looking forward to a quiet christmas here near the beach filled with our 2nd annual Christmas Eve fondue followed by chinese food and a movie on Christmas Day to celebrate kyle's Jewish heritage.

wishing you and yours an amazing holiday season that may include old and new traditions... whatever you do... do what makes your heart happy and warm! merry christmas and a happy new year!

kyle frying his turkey in our driveway 

me and nan with the housewife! 

 with my matron after saying yes!

saying yes with my mom and nan right by my side 

nan on Rodeo Drive!

watching surfers in Encinitas 

 surfer's crossing

sunset at Sunset Cliffs 

nan's happy place is by the water 

afternoon tea after dress shopping 

nan also loves a good lighthouse! 

last beach walk of the trip

namaste

Melissa

thankful this thanksgiving

The 2nd holiday season is upon me and being completely in love with warm weather I decided not to head back to the Midwest for either. Being away from my normal holiday traditions helps me get through it. While this may seem like I am avoiding thinking about it I really don't think I am. I think I am truly grateful for the new opportunities and experiences in my life such as this...

I am thankful that I am in a city that has a lot of transplants (people moving to SD) and not everyone goes home for the holidays so I received a few invitations for Thanksgiving feasts!

I am thankful for making a trip to Big Bear with new friends to enjoy a few days away from the normal hustle and bustle of life. I joined a hiking group about a month or so ago because I wanted to get out and explore and needed people to do this with! I had a great time on a couple of hikes with them before signing up for a trip to Big Bear for some winter time fun. About a week before I got a little nervous that I was spending a holiday with a new group of people so far from home. I also knew I didn't want to just sit around my apartment over the long holiday weekend. So I reminded myself that I have traveled the world by lonesome and trusted my instincts then packed up for an escape. Big Bear is a cozy mountain town with tons to do and plenty to see. We stayed in a cozy log cabin with a snuggly fire place. There wasn't much skiing since it was opening weekend but we were able to do a seven mile hike and there was lots of snow at the top. Living in San Diego, Lila has really grown to hate precipitation and was not pleased. Most of the time we spent chilling by the fire with glass of red wine. It was perfection. The group I went with were amazing and I am so glad to have found a new group of friends to adventure with!

As always, I am thankful to Matt for all the life experiences his passing has given me. I start each day with meditation and close with those things that I am thankful for and always always thank my love. It feels a little odd to type that I am thankful for his passing giving me something but it's true. And if you can't find the good in the bad, what's the point to all this.

I am so so thankful for this year of healing and learning. I am thankful for a new chapter and new friends. I am thankful for old friends and family that supported me. I am thankful for my dog that lets me drag her around everywhere and she is happy as can be. I am thankful for a healthy body that allows me to do all these things. I am thankful to myself for having the energy to try something new.

in gratitude,

Melissa

Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail... the Rim of the World 

My little Turkey... notice the Pack shirt!

Big Bear Lake for a morning walk before Tgiving feasting

Skiing and the desert... oh my! 

obligatory headstand in front of the desert!

what is this snow?

Turkey Day... without the Turkey

As I type I am watching the sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico on a small island in Florida. This Thanksgiving was anything but typical. My aunt rented a beach house in St. George Island, Florida months ago and I had planned to bring my Nanny along. We would meet my Aunt, her husband, and his daughters in Florida. I had made these arrangements months ago and I was satisfied with my new life set of alterna-Turkey Day plans. 

I set out on Sunday to pick up my Nanny half way between Chicago and Dayton and quickly got frustrated as I took a wrong turn when I wasn't paying attention (I have made this drive millions of times). Then my fancy new phone wouldn't work properly and I couldn't get back on track (yep the new IPhone 5 maps are just as bad as they say). Then I was soon honking and cursing frustrated that my Thanksgiving was so different. I shouldn't be preparing for a 4am departure on Wednesday morning with my grandma in tow, I should be talking to Matt about when we are going to head to Wisconsin or Ohio. Him prodding me to leave on time, not pack too much, and have Lila's things ready. 

Nanny and I made the journey successfully and arrived in Panama City unscathed and thankfully uninterrupted by the Chicago fog. After we arrived, we stopped and had lunch at a wonderful seaside restaurant and then stopped by the local fish market to pick up Thanksgiving dinner; shrimp and grouper. The trip was off to a more than successful start! We headed to the beach house and were pleasantly surprised by a beautiful house, steps away from the beach. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and then woke on Thanksgiving Day.

I was sad to miss some of my favorite pre-Turkey Day workout extravaganzas but was lucky to walk with my Grandma and Aunt on the beach before running back. Then I laid on the beach reading in my swimsuit for a few hours before getting ready and enjoying some wine poolside. Next was preparation of the dinner, prepared and shared by all. 

After dinner, we enjoyed a game of catchphrase including my Nanny which Matt would have loved to see. She was pretty good too! As we were playing I turned on the CD player for some music. Last post I mentioned cosmic coincidences and what I am about to tell you was surely one. The CD that had been left in the player by some other guest was, the "Eat, Pray, Love" soundtrack. I am sure most of you have heard of this book/movie. I recently read and watched both as I am planning my own Eat, Pray, Love journey to none other than Bali (more on this to come in another post). Strange. I instantly recognized most of the songs and was surprised by a few including Eddie Vedder's voice. After we were done playing I looked up the soundtrack and found the song, "Long Run" by Eddie Vedder. I was shocked by the lyrics and quickly downloaded the song. Below are some highlights from the song (copied from http://tinyurl.com/cqu68hq). So fitting. 

And I wished for so long, cannot stay...All the precious moments, cannot stay...It's not like wings have fallen, cannot stay...But I feel something's missing, cannot say...
Holding hands are daughters and sonsAnd their faiths just falling down, down, down, down...I have wished for so longHow I wish for you today
We all walk the long road. Cannot stay...There's no need to say goodbye...All the friends and familyAll the memories going round, round, round, roundI have wished for so longHow I wish for you today
And the wind keeps roaringAnd the sky keeps turning grayAnd the sun is setThe sun will rise another day...
We all walk the long road. Cannot stay...There's no need to say goodbye...All the friends and familyAll the memories going round, round, round, round)

The Thanksgiving was so different that at first, it was hard to realize it was the holiday. There was no turkey, football, or sitting around my Nanny's house so it was all unfamiliar. Then as I was sitting poolside enjoying a glass of wine, it hit me. I didn't care about the holiday or what day it was...I just missed  Matt. His absence was palpable as I looked at the lounge chair next to me. Matt loved a good beach vacation and he would have especially loved this one. Thanksgiving by the beach with family, Matt would have been pleased! I could see him in his ratty beach shirt and swimming trunks urging me to get up and play Frisbee with him. He always wanted me to play. Sometimes I would indulge but I am more of a lay on the sand and read type of gal. Why didn't I play more Frisbee with the guy? I didn't get up and play every time but I can say I am a pretty decent Frisbee player at this point. Sadly, I forgot his Frisbee this trip, typically I still bring it along. 

On Black Friday, there was no mention of door busters or early AM shopping trips. Well, I guess now they are PM shopping trips on Thanksgiving evening. I was so glad not to hear much about it, frankly this year it has made me sick. I don't need one extra thing in this world and I don't have a lot of people to buy for this Christmas. I again went for a run and laid by the beach all day. We also rented some kayaks. I enjoyed kayaking in the late afternoon sun. I could definitely feel Matt's presence and I know he would have been so proud of me in that kayak in the sea. 

I am left with a couple more days to enjoy here and I am really trying to live in the moment and take it all in. I am so thankful to spend the holiday here with my Nanny, Aunt, her husband and his family. I am truly blessed to have the luxury to take this vacation and spend the holiday as I see fit and forge some new traditions. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving this year, however you chose to spend it... hopefully with friends, family, and some good laughs! 

Thankfully,

Melissa