The Year of the Headstand

For the past year, I have been obsessed with getting myself into a headstand. On January 1st, I posted this on my Zumbamel FB page (where I include all motivational fitness related posts...like it if you haven't already!)... Here's to a year full of health and fitness! Started my morn with a great yoga class at CorePower Yoga! Fitness goal of the year... HEADSTAND!

Some of the classes at Core Power include time to play with headstand and some don't. Then when I went to the ashram, almost everyone could do headstand including those that didn't seem to be in that great of shape (I know that isn't yogi of me but darnit I workout EVERYDAY). Then I became slightly obsessed with getting into this asana (pose).

This time of year has been difficult for me as I shared this is really when Matt began to change. He just wasn't himself, he held onto it as long as he could but it was starting to show. I regretfully did not spend New Years with Matt so I know this one will be hard. Plus at New Years, it was undeniable that Matt was very ill and would probably not make it to another New Years. I initially planned to spend the evening alone, I know boring as all heck but I was tired and looking forward to a night of relaxing on the couch. I had plans to meet up with friends on New Years Day anyways. Unexpectedly I got a call from a friend who had gotten engaged. I pulled myself out of my sweatpants, still didn't wash my hair but I made it out to celebrate her engagement. I was so happy for her. At the same time, I simply couldn't believe that while most people's lives were just starting together, mine was coming to end. 

I had an enjoyable evening and the next day, I woke early to attend a New Year's Day yoga class before I met up with my friends. When the time came in class, I tried to get into headstand which I was newly enthralled with after the ashram but wasn't close to getting up there. I was still excited about the prospect of doing a headstand and made it my goal of the year. Looking back, I wonder how the hell did I post this when my life was falling apart? How did I have the mindset to hope for something and set my mind to it?

Proudly, I can now say headstand is mine! And it's almost the end of the year! I have been practicing in class whenever I get the chance and sometimes when I stick around afterwards to practice. I started by the wall and slowly inched myself away. While at the beach for Thanksgiving, I asked my aunt to spot me in the sand. To my surprise, she didn't even help me up and I held it long enough to enjoy the view of the ocean inverted and snap a few pics. The next day, as I was practicing yoga by myself in the early morning, I decided to try it by myself and up I went! Soon I was acting like an inverted fool trying it whenever I could watching; the sunrise, the sunset, people walking by. The sand was the perfect practice place!  

I am elated that headstand is mine!  I am so proud! You see, it's all about getting over that fear. Getting yourself up there and realizing, that if you fall down, you will be okay! I feel backwards several times but landed softly and gave out a chuckle. It was even kind of fun to fall backwards and  I soon found myself envisioning a headstand to wheel maneuver. Perhaps my next conquest? I was so fearful to fall but once I did fall and realized I would be okay, it was on! Not only is it amazing to accomplish a goal, there are many health benefits from a regular headstand practice including; stimulating a face lift, decreasing gray (now ya got me here!), minimizing depression, and of course reversing your blood flow. Please see a list of more reasons here; http://tinyurl.com/d6mbzn4. And as the article mentions, it is a darn pretty cool party trick. 

Somehow amongst all the craziness of last year, I somehow found the optimisim to set a goal for myself and accomplish it. I think I just had to find some sort of manageable goal amongst all that was uncontrollable in my life. Sorry for gloating but I am pretty damn proud of myself. Here's to fitness goals and to my next conquest! And be sure to check out a few headstand pictures below ;)

 

Namaste 

Melissa 

Turkey Day... without the Turkey

As I type I am watching the sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico on a small island in Florida. This Thanksgiving was anything but typical. My aunt rented a beach house in St. George Island, Florida months ago and I had planned to bring my Nanny along. We would meet my Aunt, her husband, and his daughters in Florida. I had made these arrangements months ago and I was satisfied with my new life set of alterna-Turkey Day plans. 

I set out on Sunday to pick up my Nanny half way between Chicago and Dayton and quickly got frustrated as I took a wrong turn when I wasn't paying attention (I have made this drive millions of times). Then my fancy new phone wouldn't work properly and I couldn't get back on track (yep the new IPhone 5 maps are just as bad as they say). Then I was soon honking and cursing frustrated that my Thanksgiving was so different. I shouldn't be preparing for a 4am departure on Wednesday morning with my grandma in tow, I should be talking to Matt about when we are going to head to Wisconsin or Ohio. Him prodding me to leave on time, not pack too much, and have Lila's things ready. 

Nanny and I made the journey successfully and arrived in Panama City unscathed and thankfully uninterrupted by the Chicago fog. After we arrived, we stopped and had lunch at a wonderful seaside restaurant and then stopped by the local fish market to pick up Thanksgiving dinner; shrimp and grouper. The trip was off to a more than successful start! We headed to the beach house and were pleasantly surprised by a beautiful house, steps away from the beach. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and then woke on Thanksgiving Day.

I was sad to miss some of my favorite pre-Turkey Day workout extravaganzas but was lucky to walk with my Grandma and Aunt on the beach before running back. Then I laid on the beach reading in my swimsuit for a few hours before getting ready and enjoying some wine poolside. Next was preparation of the dinner, prepared and shared by all. 

After dinner, we enjoyed a game of catchphrase including my Nanny which Matt would have loved to see. She was pretty good too! As we were playing I turned on the CD player for some music. Last post I mentioned cosmic coincidences and what I am about to tell you was surely one. The CD that had been left in the player by some other guest was, the "Eat, Pray, Love" soundtrack. I am sure most of you have heard of this book/movie. I recently read and watched both as I am planning my own Eat, Pray, Love journey to none other than Bali (more on this to come in another post). Strange. I instantly recognized most of the songs and was surprised by a few including Eddie Vedder's voice. After we were done playing I looked up the soundtrack and found the song, "Long Run" by Eddie Vedder. I was shocked by the lyrics and quickly downloaded the song. Below are some highlights from the song (copied from http://tinyurl.com/cqu68hq). So fitting. 

And I wished for so long, cannot stay...All the precious moments, cannot stay...It's not like wings have fallen, cannot stay...But I feel something's missing, cannot say...
Holding hands are daughters and sonsAnd their faiths just falling down, down, down, down...I have wished for so longHow I wish for you today
We all walk the long road. Cannot stay...There's no need to say goodbye...All the friends and familyAll the memories going round, round, round, roundI have wished for so longHow I wish for you today
And the wind keeps roaringAnd the sky keeps turning grayAnd the sun is setThe sun will rise another day...
We all walk the long road. Cannot stay...There's no need to say goodbye...All the friends and familyAll the memories going round, round, round, round)

The Thanksgiving was so different that at first, it was hard to realize it was the holiday. There was no turkey, football, or sitting around my Nanny's house so it was all unfamiliar. Then as I was sitting poolside enjoying a glass of wine, it hit me. I didn't care about the holiday or what day it was...I just missed  Matt. His absence was palpable as I looked at the lounge chair next to me. Matt loved a good beach vacation and he would have especially loved this one. Thanksgiving by the beach with family, Matt would have been pleased! I could see him in his ratty beach shirt and swimming trunks urging me to get up and play Frisbee with him. He always wanted me to play. Sometimes I would indulge but I am more of a lay on the sand and read type of gal. Why didn't I play more Frisbee with the guy? I didn't get up and play every time but I can say I am a pretty decent Frisbee player at this point. Sadly, I forgot his Frisbee this trip, typically I still bring it along. 

On Black Friday, there was no mention of door busters or early AM shopping trips. Well, I guess now they are PM shopping trips on Thanksgiving evening. I was so glad not to hear much about it, frankly this year it has made me sick. I don't need one extra thing in this world and I don't have a lot of people to buy for this Christmas. I again went for a run and laid by the beach all day. We also rented some kayaks. I enjoyed kayaking in the late afternoon sun. I could definitely feel Matt's presence and I know he would have been so proud of me in that kayak in the sea. 

I am left with a couple more days to enjoy here and I am really trying to live in the moment and take it all in. I am so thankful to spend the holiday here with my Nanny, Aunt, her husband and his family. I am truly blessed to have the luxury to take this vacation and spend the holiday as I see fit and forge some new traditions. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving this year, however you chose to spend it... hopefully with friends, family, and some good laughs! 

Thankfully,

Melissa 

The Meditating Widow

I had certianly heard about meditation prior to going to the Ashram in December 2011 but my experience with it had been minimal. I had never really sat down and tried to meditate on my own. When I arrived at the Ashram with my Aunt we arrived late in the afternoon and made it in time to attend the evening services, Satsang. I knew Satsang was from 8 - 10pm but that was about it. We arrived and there was hushed chatter before the Swami belted out an "Ommm" and dimmed the lights. We were left to our own devices to meditate but for how long I wondered? They hadn't told me? Would it be the whole 2 hours? No way, I couldn't do this for 2 hours! My back hurts! Why didn't I sit in one of those chairs!

Thankfully another Om pulled me out of my meditative panic about 30 minutes later. This was a full bellyflop into meditation. Luckily, there were three workshops on meditation while we were there given by Tom Spector. I eagerly attended the first workshop and ended up going to every single one. I learned several techniques on mediation and found the one that was right for me and an optimistic plan to mediate every day.

Additionally, it seemed as if I was brought to the Ashram at this time in my life to meet Tom Spector. Tom was involved in pharmaceutical research for cancer. He also helped cancer patients and their families with meditation and helping to put them at ease as they moved into the next realm. Tom's book, Our Two Gardens: How to Cultivate Healing, includes a section on how to best vist with cancer patients. I told him why I was at the Ashram and he immeaditly gave me a big bear hug. Tom shared that he strongly belevied in cosmic coninciedneces and encouraged the group to always reach out to someone if you feel you should. Well this was definitly a cosmic conicidence for me.

After visiting the Ashram,  I went back with a plan to meditate everyday right after I got out of bed. I had explained to Tom that my mind was jumping all over the place all the time. I wasn't able to focus on anything and my mind was always elsewhere when I was at work/home/etc. He promised if I continued with my practice this would change. I thought, it's worth a shot!

But as life got continually difficult, my practice fell to the wayside. I would pick it up and drop it again and again. Last week, I decided to take Deepak Chopra's 21 Day Meditation Challenge. It was all over Facebook and I signed up looking forward to finding my practice again. Now, I have to say I don't condone all of Deepak's beliefs (he is Oprah's guru) BUT he has gotten me to meditate every day for the past fourteen days.

And guess what? My mind isn't as jumpy! With all that is going on and all the plans I am trying to make, my mind was hopping around like a crazed monkey. Oh yes, Monkey Mind at it's finest. So I am a beleiver and will be continuing this challenge. It's not too late for you either! Check out the details here... http://tinyurl.com/94l8p4e.

Just thought I would pass along my experiences with meditation, everyone should at least give it a shot!

Namaste,

Melissa

The Calm After the Storm

So I am writing which means I made it through another milestone. How did I fare? It went okay. It actually gave me some renewed hope for what is sure to be an emotional holiday season.

Friday I attended the mass to commemorate All Soul's Day. The church invited us to bring a picture of our loved one and I brought the picture of Matt posted below. This was taken on the sunset cruise in Aruba. I have to say, Matt had the best picture. It was sad to hear his name read especially given the rest of the church goes who probably lost their loved one at a more "typical age". I had dinner with friends afterwards and it was a nice way to spend the evening.

The following day, I went to my Zumba event and it was great and I learned a lot! Afterwards I went to a mall in the suburbs I had never been to before. Living in the city, I love a good mall. It didn't turn out well though. The juxtaposition between what I was going through and the material consumption was too much. I made a quick exit and had a breakdown in traffic on the way home. Traffic just has that effect. And mostly, I could hear Matt wondering why the hell I had gone to a mall in the suburbs on his birthday. He would have shaken his head in disbelief wondering what I was thinking. Not because he cared that's what I had chosen to do on his bday but why I thought it was a good idea to go to a mall in the suburbs on a Saturday afternoon.

That's the thing about Matt. He never felt a sense of obligation to this or that or doing what the world thought he should. He was true to himself and did what made him happy. Throughout his bday I wondered what Matt would want me to do? He would want me to do what would make me happy. He wouldn't want me to do this or that because that's what I should be doing. He just liked to see me happy. God love him. I am so lucky to have this example in my life.

So today is 8 months (or it was when I first drafted this on Friday, November 9th). After preparing for last weekend, I didn't have the energy to agonize for another. Right now, I am thinking it's just another day. Eight months doesn't seem that significant but when I think about nine that means more than half a year, almost a year! As I mentioned, after last weekend, I am feeling a renewed sense of hope. I was able to more positively reflect on good memories on this milestone instead of being incapacitated like I was on our first anniversary. I enjoyed making a list of birthdays celebrated and focused on happy memories. I can't describe how much this puts me at ease for the holidays. I know they will still be hard but at least I was finally able to move past the horrible deliberating sense of sadness to reflect on the positive. When you are in the first couple months of grief, it's impossible to find or see. You are simply to sad and stricken to see anything but that. People tell you at least you had so many good times and you just want to puke and tell them I am not done with the good times! Again, I will still need to prepare and take it easy on myself for the holidays but they seem much more manageable with some warm memories amongst the sadness.

I have also been making some exciting plans for the future which has kept me energized and looking forward to each new day. More to come on this. I will also be hosting a Zumbathon to benefit the American Brain Tumor Association on December 1st. Please find all the details here http://hope.abta.org/zumbathon. Putting effort into throwing a successful Zumba event for the ABTA has been an excellent way to channel my energy and I can't wait to see how it all turns out! The support that I have received from family, friends, and students has been amazing and inspiring. Thanks to all that are willing to travel to this event and volunteer your talents. Hope to Zumba with you on December 1st!

Namaste,

Zumbamel

Namaste

Preparing for the Storm

As our country prepares for Hurricane Sandy. I am preparing for my own storm of grief to come this weekend. Hoping for the best with this storm and as little devestation as possible reminding everyone that having your loved ones safe and sound is the most important thing. Stuff will come and go. And also realizing that I need to take my own advice when it comes to stuff. We hear the familiar quote all the time, as long as your loved ones are healthy and safe. And oh believe me, it's true. But sitting on the other side of that statement, what then?

As I posted last go around, I was a major Crankmonster B the past few weeks. Work is starting to calm down and I feel the crankiness start to subside with it. I think that while I was busy storming around the city I forgot to be sad. Or I was sad but I didn't have enough time to sit around and moan and groan so I was just stomping around with my grief. But I am starting to feel better, making some new plans, and getting excited about some things and also allowing some time to greive. But then another storm is brewing... this Saturday should have been Matt's 33rd birthday. And there is a special mass at our church on Friday evening to remember those that have gone before us, where we both got married and held Matt's memorial mass all within three years. So just as I was feeling better, here comes another event to shake my stability.

I invited some friends to attend the mass with me and I am thankful that several stepped up to come with me. Saturday, I have some Zumba events planned to keep myself busy but I feel like I should be doing something "fun" to celebrate Matt. But as I type that I realize that just isn't possible, how can I have fun on Matt's birthday when he isn't here to celebrate. There probably just isn't anyway to handle this right so I will do the best that I can.  

Then I start thinking about his birthday last year, getting a nice steak dinner and surprising him with Badger tickets. Well trying to surprise him... I am not good at surprises. He caught on to my surprise in the waiting room of the University of Chicago last year... waiting for a second opinion. As much as I love getting gifts, I love giving them but get way too excited and let the cat out of the bag way before the big day comes.

Mostly I am dreaming about our honeymoon that was going on three years ago exactly. We had waited to take our honeymoon in Aruba about four months after our wedding and it was the perfect plan. Living in Chicago, I love to take a vaca when the cold is here and it gave us some time to rest from the big wedding we threw. If you haven't put two and two together, Matt celebrated his 30th birthday while we were down there. I of course wanted to do something special and probably pulled off my biggest surprise to date.

Every night we would see these Kukoo Kunuku party buses whizzing by in a blur of loud drunkenness. Matt and I laughed at them as our vacation was the exact opposite including nice meals and relaxing on the beach. Plus there were always people hanging out the windows shaking maracas. I think he was eagerly awaiting to hear about my plans for his 30th and I acted like I again let the cat out of the bag and told him I booked us a first class ticket on the Kukoo Kunuku party bus. He was devastated. This was not Matt's ideal birthday celebration and he quickly started pouting and demanded to know why I had done this for his birthday celebration. It would have been more hilarious if I kept it going until we were waiting for the bus to pick us up. But I let the cat out of the bag for real and shared the real plans which was a sunset cruise in the Caribbean. We had a wonderful cruise and enjoyed pizza at a local Aruban place afterwards. What I wouldn't give to be back in Aruba with him right now.

But I am not, I am here waiting to see how I handle this weekend and hoping that I can make it through without being pulled back into a slump. And also pissed off that Matt doesn't get to celebrate another birthday and enjoy a lot of the things he deserved in this life. Don't ever complain about another year on the calendar, celebrate it with all your being and be thankful you are here to take another breath.

I think the hardest part of this process is anticipating and analyzing every single situation. Life used to come and go so easily. I constantly find myself preparing for events, thinking about how I am doing, and wondering what the next first will have in store. It's getting old, I just want to be. I know it will come someday for right now, I still need to plan for the storms and evaluate the damage.  

 

In Aruba watching the Packers game... Go Pack!

 

 

Lounging on the Sunset Cruise!

 

Namaste

Finally an Update from the CrankMonster

I have been trying to update this blog for two weeks now. I originally wanted to on October 9th which was the 7 month sadaversary. That didn't happen because it was a crazy week so finally last week I started drafting an update. I just now sat down to reread that and tried to edit it up to date but realized it was just too outdated. So here I am trying this again. I want to get some things out but feeling stalled. Realizing that my life is going along very fast whether or not I want it to and it's hard to keep up and find time. So here goes...

The past couple weeks have been difficult. About three weeks ago, I felt myself slipping into a low. I didn't know how to stop the momentum but sure enough I found myself deep in it again. This time grief rears it's ugly head in a different manner. Last Monday was National Grouch Day and that pretty much sums it up. Except it was National Grouch Week for the past two almost three weeks. I was just angry-ish with little things setting me off. Some big things naturally set me off as well. Sorry for any friends, family, or innocent strangers that had to be a part of this. I am the first to admit that I am a moody gal evidenced by my Cancer sign and then pushed into neurotic territory recently by my grief. Matt was well aware of this wonderful trait of mine and knew that it was aggravated by lack of food. He knew that when I told him, "I was really hungry" that he better get moving to the nearest food establishment fast. We also lovingly called each a "Crankmonster" from time to time. You know that time when your loved one is just a beast so you just tell them, "Stop being a Crankmonster!"

Now to give myself credit, things haven't been business as usual around here. I have been working a lot which has included a lot of travel. Travel is not what it used to be for me. I used to enjoy a night away, a decent meal, and a big fluffy bed. Now there is so much more to it. First of all, I have to board Lila which I hate. She senses something is going on that whole day so she paces around the house wondering what is going to happen next. I hate throwing her off schedule more than she already has the past year. Her whole world has been shaken up too. By the end of the trip which includes lost of hosting and talking to people, I am ready to get home. I race back to the city to usually hit some traffic and then pick up Lila. I am exhausted and ready to get home but then I get home. All the lights are off the blinds are pulled and there is a chill in the air. I am then sad to get home.

Thankfully, I think I just unpacked my bags for what seems to be the last time in awhile. I am looking forward to a more stable schedule as is Lila. I went to yoga the past two days and hope to keep on this trend. With all the travel, I haven't been able to stick to my normal schedules of Yoga and Zumba which is probably pushing this further into CrankMonster territory. But things are looking up right now, well at least for today and I think I am beginning to climb out of the low land.

In yoga class tonight, the Instructor encouraged us not to judge ourselves. It's difficult in class and even more so in life. I constantly find myself looking around the studio to see whose crow or wheel are better than mine. Why can't I do a headstand, I have been trying this for months now! I tried to apply that to my life and my state of mind the past couple of weeks. I haven't been in the best of moods and not proud of myself but I can't judge myself too much. I think maybe this just had to get out, being angry at the world and my situation. During counseling sessions, I have been consistently asked if I am angry at Matt as this is a typical response in spousal lose. I wasn't angry at him but I was just generally angry. Again, I know I have plenty of things to be thankful for and I am not saying I have it the worst out there but maybe I just had to let my inner CrankMonster out about this situation for awhile.

I think I unleashed the beast for now and I am ready to find some more positive territory. But if I do have to stomp around the house every once in awhile and punch the air to let it out, I don't think there is any harm in that

Namaste,

Melissa

Quotes from Checking Out: An In-Depth Look at Losing Your Mind

As promised, the following are some of the quotes from Checking Out: An In-Depth Look at Losing Your Mind by Catherine Graves. Thank you Catherine for summing this all up in a way that I am just not able to yet...

"In short, damage from a tumor or from surgery to the frontal lobe will result in significant alterations in movement, intelligence, reasoning, behavior, memory, personality, planning, decision-making, judgment, initiative, inhibition, and mood. In essence, everything that makes a person “human.”

"But I knew as soon as I loosened myself and walked out of the room, they would be taking him away, to a place where no more decisions needed to be made. There was no more what-to-do-next; this man I loved had no future."

"Nothing is ever the same about the particulars of anyone’s loss, but it seems to me also that there exists a level where everything is the same, and that’s what makes this world what it is."

"There is no handling grief. It is complex, every color at once, and shrouded in the mystery that is the unique inner life of every individual. Even observing someone else’s sense of intense grief can be a terrible life-changing experience, and some people will go as far as they can to insulate themselves from that, consciously putting as much distance between themselves and anyone going through it."

"The realization of what’s happened to you, the one left behind, may not hit you until eight months to a year after your loved one’s death. This is about the time when most friends think you should start coming out of mourning."

"It’s horrible that it’s true, but when you assume, you do make an ass of u and me."

"Sometimes you just can’t get a clear perspective when you’re smack in the middle."

"I can’t hold myself responsible for missing something obvious. Because everything he was experiencing in the beginning was too everyday and matter of fact."

"There is a brutal significant value in surviving a grueling time but the time to reflect for me – I think for anyone – is when it is small the rear view mirror, not when it still dominates the landscape."

Namaste