My Plan B

I have been wanting to post this for quite some time now as I have been working on "Plan B" for awhile but I had to wait until a few more things were in place before I could. So here goes, my Plan B. 

The plan is to take some time off and eventually move out West. I love Chicago and it has been good to me but it will always be Matt and I's city in my heart. I met Matt about a month after I moved here and he helped me navigate the city at first which included numerous frantic calls wondering where I was and how do I get to where I am going. Then it became our home as we moved in together and eventually bought our first place and married. I could continue to live here and enjoy it but it's time for new surroundings and a change of energy. 

Eventually I plan to move to San Diego but not until I travel across the world for a couple of months. I will first head to San Diego to check out some places and then drive up to LA with my Mom to attend the LA Zumba Conference. From LA I will be flying to Australia to stay with one of Matt's best friends from Wisconsin and his lovely wife. Another friend from Appleton will be visiting while I am so it will be a trip down under Sconie style!  

After spending about two weeks there I am headed to Bali for a one month yoga teacher training. I will be staying in Ubud but I am sure I will be doing some traveling while I am in the training. I also have some time after the training to travel as well. 

Once I get back, I plan to make the journey out west and settle in San Diego. I am going to drive out there with Lila and I am looking forward to making stops across the nation. Matt once made the drive across our great country and I look forward to doing the same in his beloved Audi. 

As far as choosing San Diego? I have visited there a couple of times and always wondered, "why don't I live here?" The last trip Matt and I made together was to San Diego for a friend's wedding. Sitting on the beaches of SoCal with him are some very good memories and of course always hitting up In and Out Burger. One of my best friends from grade school lives there with her family and I can't wait to live in the same city as her again. A few of Matt's friends live there as well and hopefully they will invite me to a party or two ;)  

So that's it! I hatched this up many months ago and thought about it for awhile before putting the actual logistics in place. It's all set now, just need to rent out the condo so if you know of anyone looking for a 2 bed/2 bath in Chicago's north side, let me know!

Yep, it's a pretty great plan and I am allowing my heart take me where it wants. Having something to look forward to and organize has given me the gift of waking up excited about each new day again. I am so thankful that I have received so much support in discussing Plan B with family, friends, counselors, and co-workers. I am fortunate that no one has ever said, "are you crazy?" or "are you sure you want to do this?" because frankly, I have thought that a few times. I have been met with nothing but hope and excitement about this new adventure in life and for that I am truly grateful. However there has been a response that has made me cringe although I know it comes from a good place. Please don't say your jealous. I mean I get it... who doesn't want to quit their job to take off for warmer weather across the world? But I am only doing this because my Plan A, the life plan that I wanted and built with Matt didn't work out. I wanted the boring life of 1.5 kids and a picket fence but as we all know some of the best laid plans just don't happen. Right now, this feels to be the next best thing for me. So please share your excitement and your hope for me but please don't say your jealous because all I can think of is how much I had to go through to get to this plan. 

I simply can't wait to see where this takes me and I look forward to you taking this journey with me via blogspot. Heading out of the Windy City the last week of January... let the going away party planning begin! 

Namaste, 

Your Soon to be West Coast Widowed Certified Yogi 

Matt and I in San Diego August 2011 

Scrooge or Cindy Lou?

I blogged about Christmas as a Guest Blogger for the Chicagoland Young Widow Connection. Check it out here...

http://www.chicagolandwidowed.org/blog/scrooge-or-cindy-lou-monday-december-10-2012

Zumbathon for the ABTA - December 1, 2012

I hosted a Zumbathon this past Saturday, December 1st to benefit the American Brain Tumor Association. I have wanted to do this for awhile but simply didn't have the time, energy, or power to put it together. Finally, I mustered up the strength to host this and I have to say I am beyond proud in how it turned out. On Sunday, I found myself thinking, when can I host my next Zumbathon? So between my headstand and the Zumbathon... I am still tooting my own horn and Zumbaing along as I do it! 

I loved every single minute of planning this as well, except the couple of hours leading up to it when I was nervous. But I kept it pretty in check throughout the planning process and told myself it was all for a good cause and if something, goes wrong... what's the worst thing that can happen?

I think the most amazing part of it all was how many people came together to support me and this event. And of course that we raised just over $4,200 for the ABTA! My friends certainly stepped up in many ways including; generating raffle prizes, finding photographers, asking how they could help, and of course showing up to Zumba even if they hate dancing or were incredibly hungover! Friends came from near and far and I was very happy to see so many of their smiling faces on Saturday. My family traveled from various parts of the country and not only made the journey but allowed me to boss them around the day of. Some family even brought their friends who were also quickly put to work. They had no idea what was in store when they rolled in for what was supposed to be a fun weekend in the city! The community also helped the cause by donating raffle prizes. Most of these were local business that I support so I appreciated them supporting me back. And of course my Zumba buddies came to help me instruct the whole thing! They were amazing to say the least and kept all 65 people moving the entire time! These are Instructors that I took my first class with, teach with, and met at Convention... I am so lucky to have the Zumba community by my side! 

The whole event was so moving and so much fun! It was wonderful to see friends try Zumba for the first time...to see Zumba enthusiasts come to party their hearts out.. and to hear everyone talk about all the Instructors and who got them groovin to the music... it was all so so amazing.

Thank you to all who donated, contributed, showed up, Zumbaed, shared, led, and made the day one of the best I have had in a long time. Certainly wishing we could do it all again this weekend! This was all done in honor of my always smiling love, Matt, in hopes that we can find a cure so no family has to ever endure this heartache again. Matt would have been so proud. I wonder if he would have actually Zumbaed? It made me giggle when I thought about him dancing around that gym. One thing I know, he would have been damn proud that I had a local pizzeria donate free pizzas!

Please check out the list of donors below and some special shout outs of thanks. Enjoy the pics that were graciously taken by Craig and Cory Stevenson. Check out what their company can do for you here...  bejustdesign.com.

Raffle Donors:
State Restaurant - http://www.state-chicago.com/
Ravenswood Fitness Center - http://www.ravenswoodfitness.com/
Comfy Fitness - http://www.comfyfitness.com/
Buddah Beads - http://tinyurl.com/bdr9n9y
Goran Coban - http://gorancoban.com/
Naked Pizza - http://www.nakedpizza.biz/

Special Thanks:
Julia Ralston
Lisa Proctor
Ashley Bussen
Gloria Crawford
Laura Hunt
Heather Burkey

Zumba Luv!

ZumbaMel

The Year of the Headstand

For the past year, I have been obsessed with getting myself into a headstand. On January 1st, I posted this on my Zumbamel FB page (where I include all motivational fitness related posts...like it if you haven't already!)... Here's to a year full of health and fitness! Started my morn with a great yoga class at CorePower Yoga! Fitness goal of the year... HEADSTAND!

Some of the classes at Core Power include time to play with headstand and some don't. Then when I went to the ashram, almost everyone could do headstand including those that didn't seem to be in that great of shape (I know that isn't yogi of me but darnit I workout EVERYDAY). Then I became slightly obsessed with getting into this asana (pose).

This time of year has been difficult for me as I shared this is really when Matt began to change. He just wasn't himself, he held onto it as long as he could but it was starting to show. I regretfully did not spend New Years with Matt so I know this one will be hard. Plus at New Years, it was undeniable that Matt was very ill and would probably not make it to another New Years. I initially planned to spend the evening alone, I know boring as all heck but I was tired and looking forward to a night of relaxing on the couch. I had plans to meet up with friends on New Years Day anyways. Unexpectedly I got a call from a friend who had gotten engaged. I pulled myself out of my sweatpants, still didn't wash my hair but I made it out to celebrate her engagement. I was so happy for her. At the same time, I simply couldn't believe that while most people's lives were just starting together, mine was coming to end. 

I had an enjoyable evening and the next day, I woke early to attend a New Year's Day yoga class before I met up with my friends. When the time came in class, I tried to get into headstand which I was newly enthralled with after the ashram but wasn't close to getting up there. I was still excited about the prospect of doing a headstand and made it my goal of the year. Looking back, I wonder how the hell did I post this when my life was falling apart? How did I have the mindset to hope for something and set my mind to it?

Proudly, I can now say headstand is mine! And it's almost the end of the year! I have been practicing in class whenever I get the chance and sometimes when I stick around afterwards to practice. I started by the wall and slowly inched myself away. While at the beach for Thanksgiving, I asked my aunt to spot me in the sand. To my surprise, she didn't even help me up and I held it long enough to enjoy the view of the ocean inverted and snap a few pics. The next day, as I was practicing yoga by myself in the early morning, I decided to try it by myself and up I went! Soon I was acting like an inverted fool trying it whenever I could watching; the sunrise, the sunset, people walking by. The sand was the perfect practice place!  

I am elated that headstand is mine!  I am so proud! You see, it's all about getting over that fear. Getting yourself up there and realizing, that if you fall down, you will be okay! I feel backwards several times but landed softly and gave out a chuckle. It was even kind of fun to fall backwards and  I soon found myself envisioning a headstand to wheel maneuver. Perhaps my next conquest? I was so fearful to fall but once I did fall and realized I would be okay, it was on! Not only is it amazing to accomplish a goal, there are many health benefits from a regular headstand practice including; stimulating a face lift, decreasing gray (now ya got me here!), minimizing depression, and of course reversing your blood flow. Please see a list of more reasons here; http://tinyurl.com/d6mbzn4. And as the article mentions, it is a darn pretty cool party trick. 

Somehow amongst all the craziness of last year, I somehow found the optimisim to set a goal for myself and accomplish it. I think I just had to find some sort of manageable goal amongst all that was uncontrollable in my life. Sorry for gloating but I am pretty damn proud of myself. Here's to fitness goals and to my next conquest! And be sure to check out a few headstand pictures below ;)

 

Namaste 

Melissa 

Turkey Day... without the Turkey

As I type I am watching the sunrise over the Gulf of Mexico on a small island in Florida. This Thanksgiving was anything but typical. My aunt rented a beach house in St. George Island, Florida months ago and I had planned to bring my Nanny along. We would meet my Aunt, her husband, and his daughters in Florida. I had made these arrangements months ago and I was satisfied with my new life set of alterna-Turkey Day plans. 

I set out on Sunday to pick up my Nanny half way between Chicago and Dayton and quickly got frustrated as I took a wrong turn when I wasn't paying attention (I have made this drive millions of times). Then my fancy new phone wouldn't work properly and I couldn't get back on track (yep the new IPhone 5 maps are just as bad as they say). Then I was soon honking and cursing frustrated that my Thanksgiving was so different. I shouldn't be preparing for a 4am departure on Wednesday morning with my grandma in tow, I should be talking to Matt about when we are going to head to Wisconsin or Ohio. Him prodding me to leave on time, not pack too much, and have Lila's things ready. 

Nanny and I made the journey successfully and arrived in Panama City unscathed and thankfully uninterrupted by the Chicago fog. After we arrived, we stopped and had lunch at a wonderful seaside restaurant and then stopped by the local fish market to pick up Thanksgiving dinner; shrimp and grouper. The trip was off to a more than successful start! We headed to the beach house and were pleasantly surprised by a beautiful house, steps away from the beach. We enjoyed the rest of the evening and then woke on Thanksgiving Day.

I was sad to miss some of my favorite pre-Turkey Day workout extravaganzas but was lucky to walk with my Grandma and Aunt on the beach before running back. Then I laid on the beach reading in my swimsuit for a few hours before getting ready and enjoying some wine poolside. Next was preparation of the dinner, prepared and shared by all. 

After dinner, we enjoyed a game of catchphrase including my Nanny which Matt would have loved to see. She was pretty good too! As we were playing I turned on the CD player for some music. Last post I mentioned cosmic coincidences and what I am about to tell you was surely one. The CD that had been left in the player by some other guest was, the "Eat, Pray, Love" soundtrack. I am sure most of you have heard of this book/movie. I recently read and watched both as I am planning my own Eat, Pray, Love journey to none other than Bali (more on this to come in another post). Strange. I instantly recognized most of the songs and was surprised by a few including Eddie Vedder's voice. After we were done playing I looked up the soundtrack and found the song, "Long Run" by Eddie Vedder. I was shocked by the lyrics and quickly downloaded the song. Below are some highlights from the song (copied from http://tinyurl.com/cqu68hq). So fitting. 

And I wished for so long, cannot stay...All the precious moments, cannot stay...It's not like wings have fallen, cannot stay...But I feel something's missing, cannot say...
Holding hands are daughters and sonsAnd their faiths just falling down, down, down, down...I have wished for so longHow I wish for you today
We all walk the long road. Cannot stay...There's no need to say goodbye...All the friends and familyAll the memories going round, round, round, roundI have wished for so longHow I wish for you today
And the wind keeps roaringAnd the sky keeps turning grayAnd the sun is setThe sun will rise another day...
We all walk the long road. Cannot stay...There's no need to say goodbye...All the friends and familyAll the memories going round, round, round, round)

The Thanksgiving was so different that at first, it was hard to realize it was the holiday. There was no turkey, football, or sitting around my Nanny's house so it was all unfamiliar. Then as I was sitting poolside enjoying a glass of wine, it hit me. I didn't care about the holiday or what day it was...I just missed  Matt. His absence was palpable as I looked at the lounge chair next to me. Matt loved a good beach vacation and he would have especially loved this one. Thanksgiving by the beach with family, Matt would have been pleased! I could see him in his ratty beach shirt and swimming trunks urging me to get up and play Frisbee with him. He always wanted me to play. Sometimes I would indulge but I am more of a lay on the sand and read type of gal. Why didn't I play more Frisbee with the guy? I didn't get up and play every time but I can say I am a pretty decent Frisbee player at this point. Sadly, I forgot his Frisbee this trip, typically I still bring it along. 

On Black Friday, there was no mention of door busters or early AM shopping trips. Well, I guess now they are PM shopping trips on Thanksgiving evening. I was so glad not to hear much about it, frankly this year it has made me sick. I don't need one extra thing in this world and I don't have a lot of people to buy for this Christmas. I again went for a run and laid by the beach all day. We also rented some kayaks. I enjoyed kayaking in the late afternoon sun. I could definitely feel Matt's presence and I know he would have been so proud of me in that kayak in the sea. 

I am left with a couple more days to enjoy here and I am really trying to live in the moment and take it all in. I am so thankful to spend the holiday here with my Nanny, Aunt, her husband and his family. I am truly blessed to have the luxury to take this vacation and spend the holiday as I see fit and forge some new traditions. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving this year, however you chose to spend it... hopefully with friends, family, and some good laughs! 

Thankfully,

Melissa 

The Meditating Widow

I had certianly heard about meditation prior to going to the Ashram in December 2011 but my experience with it had been minimal. I had never really sat down and tried to meditate on my own. When I arrived at the Ashram with my Aunt we arrived late in the afternoon and made it in time to attend the evening services, Satsang. I knew Satsang was from 8 - 10pm but that was about it. We arrived and there was hushed chatter before the Swami belted out an "Ommm" and dimmed the lights. We were left to our own devices to meditate but for how long I wondered? They hadn't told me? Would it be the whole 2 hours? No way, I couldn't do this for 2 hours! My back hurts! Why didn't I sit in one of those chairs!

Thankfully another Om pulled me out of my meditative panic about 30 minutes later. This was a full bellyflop into meditation. Luckily, there were three workshops on meditation while we were there given by Tom Spector. I eagerly attended the first workshop and ended up going to every single one. I learned several techniques on mediation and found the one that was right for me and an optimistic plan to mediate every day.

Additionally, it seemed as if I was brought to the Ashram at this time in my life to meet Tom Spector. Tom was involved in pharmaceutical research for cancer. He also helped cancer patients and their families with meditation and helping to put them at ease as they moved into the next realm. Tom's book, Our Two Gardens: How to Cultivate Healing, includes a section on how to best vist with cancer patients. I told him why I was at the Ashram and he immeaditly gave me a big bear hug. Tom shared that he strongly belevied in cosmic coninciedneces and encouraged the group to always reach out to someone if you feel you should. Well this was definitly a cosmic conicidence for me.

After visiting the Ashram,  I went back with a plan to meditate everyday right after I got out of bed. I had explained to Tom that my mind was jumping all over the place all the time. I wasn't able to focus on anything and my mind was always elsewhere when I was at work/home/etc. He promised if I continued with my practice this would change. I thought, it's worth a shot!

But as life got continually difficult, my practice fell to the wayside. I would pick it up and drop it again and again. Last week, I decided to take Deepak Chopra's 21 Day Meditation Challenge. It was all over Facebook and I signed up looking forward to finding my practice again. Now, I have to say I don't condone all of Deepak's beliefs (he is Oprah's guru) BUT he has gotten me to meditate every day for the past fourteen days.

And guess what? My mind isn't as jumpy! With all that is going on and all the plans I am trying to make, my mind was hopping around like a crazed monkey. Oh yes, Monkey Mind at it's finest. So I am a beleiver and will be continuing this challenge. It's not too late for you either! Check out the details here... http://tinyurl.com/94l8p4e.

Just thought I would pass along my experiences with meditation, everyone should at least give it a shot!

Namaste,

Melissa

The Calm After the Storm

So I am writing which means I made it through another milestone. How did I fare? It went okay. It actually gave me some renewed hope for what is sure to be an emotional holiday season.

Friday I attended the mass to commemorate All Soul's Day. The church invited us to bring a picture of our loved one and I brought the picture of Matt posted below. This was taken on the sunset cruise in Aruba. I have to say, Matt had the best picture. It was sad to hear his name read especially given the rest of the church goes who probably lost their loved one at a more "typical age". I had dinner with friends afterwards and it was a nice way to spend the evening.

The following day, I went to my Zumba event and it was great and I learned a lot! Afterwards I went to a mall in the suburbs I had never been to before. Living in the city, I love a good mall. It didn't turn out well though. The juxtaposition between what I was going through and the material consumption was too much. I made a quick exit and had a breakdown in traffic on the way home. Traffic just has that effect. And mostly, I could hear Matt wondering why the hell I had gone to a mall in the suburbs on his birthday. He would have shaken his head in disbelief wondering what I was thinking. Not because he cared that's what I had chosen to do on his bday but why I thought it was a good idea to go to a mall in the suburbs on a Saturday afternoon.

That's the thing about Matt. He never felt a sense of obligation to this or that or doing what the world thought he should. He was true to himself and did what made him happy. Throughout his bday I wondered what Matt would want me to do? He would want me to do what would make me happy. He wouldn't want me to do this or that because that's what I should be doing. He just liked to see me happy. God love him. I am so lucky to have this example in my life.

So today is 8 months (or it was when I first drafted this on Friday, November 9th). After preparing for last weekend, I didn't have the energy to agonize for another. Right now, I am thinking it's just another day. Eight months doesn't seem that significant but when I think about nine that means more than half a year, almost a year! As I mentioned, after last weekend, I am feeling a renewed sense of hope. I was able to more positively reflect on good memories on this milestone instead of being incapacitated like I was on our first anniversary. I enjoyed making a list of birthdays celebrated and focused on happy memories. I can't describe how much this puts me at ease for the holidays. I know they will still be hard but at least I was finally able to move past the horrible deliberating sense of sadness to reflect on the positive. When you are in the first couple months of grief, it's impossible to find or see. You are simply to sad and stricken to see anything but that. People tell you at least you had so many good times and you just want to puke and tell them I am not done with the good times! Again, I will still need to prepare and take it easy on myself for the holidays but they seem much more manageable with some warm memories amongst the sadness.

I have also been making some exciting plans for the future which has kept me energized and looking forward to each new day. More to come on this. I will also be hosting a Zumbathon to benefit the American Brain Tumor Association on December 1st. Please find all the details here http://hope.abta.org/zumbathon. Putting effort into throwing a successful Zumba event for the ABTA has been an excellent way to channel my energy and I can't wait to see how it all turns out! The support that I have received from family, friends, and students has been amazing and inspiring. Thanks to all that are willing to travel to this event and volunteer your talents. Hope to Zumba with you on December 1st!

Namaste,

Zumbamel

Namaste