who knew it was freezing in the desert?

I signed myself up for another cali getaway this weekend and headed to the famous Joshua Tree National park. I had heard amazing things about the park and was excited when my hiking group planned a trip there. I invited a friend to come along as well. We chatted earlier in the week to discuss supplies and he tried to warn me that it would be really cold. I assured him I would be fine and that it would be chillier at night and then warmer during the day. Boy was  I wrong.

We arrived in Joshua Tree in the early evening but unfortunately at this time of year, that means it's already dark. We set up our tent in the dark and quickly huddled by the fire which the other campers had got going before our arrival. We also layered up since we had arrived in SD attire and weren't prepared for the brisk weather. We did the usual camping thing and drank some beers staring into the fire. I was bit toasty by the time I went to bed but was still scared out of my wits. The wind was brutal. You could hear it whipping around the tent and it also blew a good amount of sand in. I laid in fear hoping to fall asleep and just slumber through the terror. Luckily I finally drifted off before waking up to the light around 6am. I scurried to the bathrooms before jumping back into the tent for more rest. I woke again around 8am and stepped out before realizing it was much warmer in that sleeping bag. I slept for a couple more hours before we got up to venture off the grounds for a hike.

We did take a beautiful hike through the park. We saw lots of Joshua Trees, a little frozen creek, and lots of rock formations. Of course I inverted for the obligatory headstand picture. We did about six miles and as we headed back snow and wind met us in the wind tunnel. We made it to our cars and headed back to camp. We got back to a cold campsite and not a lot of motivation. My friend and I decided to head home before the rest of the group decided the same.

Sometimes, you have to know when to pack up the supplies and call it a day. We didn't have anything to prove, we could handle it but what's the point? Our homes were only a couple of hours away and really with so little free time in the week, why suffer? I am glad I went and it was an experience but I look forward to heading back in warmer weather to fully enjoy.

With all these expeditions and my extremely new adventurous spirit, I only wish that Matt could be around to see the woman I have become. He would be so proud of me. I wonder why his passing had to happen for me to become the person he probably always wanted me to be; a little less worried about the non-important stuff. I was happy that I could take his backpack with me and imagine this won't be it's first or last trip with me. I have to think that he's with me on all these trips in some capacity.

My fingers were frozen so I didn't take a lot of pics but here are a few...

namaste

Melissa 

thankful this thanksgiving

The 2nd holiday season is upon me and being completely in love with warm weather I decided not to head back to the Midwest for either. Being away from my normal holiday traditions helps me get through it. While this may seem like I am avoiding thinking about it I really don't think I am. I think I am truly grateful for the new opportunities and experiences in my life such as this...

I am thankful that I am in a city that has a lot of transplants (people moving to SD) and not everyone goes home for the holidays so I received a few invitations for Thanksgiving feasts!

I am thankful for making a trip to Big Bear with new friends to enjoy a few days away from the normal hustle and bustle of life. I joined a hiking group about a month or so ago because I wanted to get out and explore and needed people to do this with! I had a great time on a couple of hikes with them before signing up for a trip to Big Bear for some winter time fun. About a week before I got a little nervous that I was spending a holiday with a new group of people so far from home. I also knew I didn't want to just sit around my apartment over the long holiday weekend. So I reminded myself that I have traveled the world by lonesome and trusted my instincts then packed up for an escape. Big Bear is a cozy mountain town with tons to do and plenty to see. We stayed in a cozy log cabin with a snuggly fire place. There wasn't much skiing since it was opening weekend but we were able to do a seven mile hike and there was lots of snow at the top. Living in San Diego, Lila has really grown to hate precipitation and was not pleased. Most of the time we spent chilling by the fire with glass of red wine. It was perfection. The group I went with were amazing and I am so glad to have found a new group of friends to adventure with!

As always, I am thankful to Matt for all the life experiences his passing has given me. I start each day with meditation and close with those things that I am thankful for and always always thank my love. It feels a little odd to type that I am thankful for his passing giving me something but it's true. And if you can't find the good in the bad, what's the point to all this.

I am so so thankful for this year of healing and learning. I am thankful for a new chapter and new friends. I am thankful for old friends and family that supported me. I am thankful for my dog that lets me drag her around everywhere and she is happy as can be. I am thankful for a healthy body that allows me to do all these things. I am thankful to myself for having the energy to try something new.

in gratitude,

Melissa

Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail... the Rim of the World 

My little Turkey... notice the Pack shirt!

Big Bear Lake for a morning walk before Tgiving feasting

Skiing and the desert... oh my! 

obligatory headstand in front of the desert!

what is this snow?

just breathe

i knew pearl jam was coming to San Diego and for awhile i debated whether i really wanted to go to the concert without matt. then i realized, he wanted me to go to the concert. and i should buy amazing tickets. this revelation came on matt's birthday when i once again remembered, that you need to take advantage of today and do what you love. so i went on the hunt for tickets.

eventually i found some with the help of a pearl jam junkie advising me where to sit and paying the markup for having to pay on stubhub. i bought the tix only about a week out so i began analyzing the music intensely. the songs matt had played me. the lyrics to the songs. what songs i wanted to be played. there were definitely some tears. the lyrics were speaking to me especially from their new album. 

i could write a very long blog post about all the songs that mean something to me instead i will only share one. my aunt put together a slide show of pics of matt after he passed. she loves putting together slide shows and even did one for our wedding. she remembered he loved pearl jam and searched her computer for one of their songs. she found "just breathe". later as she practiced yoga on matt's birthday, she heard this song. they played it last night. check it...

http://youtu.be/PLIpjHxNzNA

and here are the lyrics...

just breathe

Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none

Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh
Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed

Stay with me
You're all I see...

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me

As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah...

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side...

namaste

Melissa 

just another day in paradise

again. again I haven't written in a long time. i wonder why? it seems that since i started work i haven't had the energy for it. or the energy to sit at the computer after i sit there for eight hours a day. to give you an idea of how things have been going here the past few weeks here's a little story that seems to sum it up...

matt's car that i inherited has been generally running well but there have been a few hiccups and as we know hiccups with cars typically means spending a lot of money for something we know nothing about. so when an indicator light came on about a month ago, i quivered. it took me about two weeks before i actually got out the book to determine what the issue was. i was overjoyed to know it was just a headlight out. and in the meantime, i could just turn on the fog lights and see just fine. in about another two weeks, i went to napa auto parts to pick up a light. it was a busy day at work but i was determined to pick this item up after two weeks of procrastination! typically i sweet talk auto parts store workers into assisting me with such repairs but this guy was not having any of my funny business. and i was exhausted so i gave up rather quickly and i am not so sure my sweet talk was very sweet. i asked a few male friends and no one knew how to help (again where is that hunky tool man looking to help a damsel in distress). finally when the sand and dust had accumulated to an embarrassing level in/on my car, i pulled into my local car wash. it was a slow day and i asked if the guys could change the light and they more than happy to oblige! finally! i drove off and that night enjoyed the extra glow of the headlight. about one week later, the same indicator light turned. what the hell? i thought those car wash guys knew what they were doing! turns out they did, the other headlight is now out.

so yeah, it feels a little like i can't get ahead these days. matt's b-day was about a week ago and that brought with it a lot of emotion. i spent the day relaxing, playing with lila, and going to a concert of some of my favorite chant music with a dear friend. matt would have thought it was ridiculous but so were most of my crazy hair brained ideas and he still loved me. still it was emotional. and i think being back to a routine and most importantly not doing whatever the heck i want for 24 hours a day has really brought up those oh too familiar widow thoughts. it has made me miss sharing the monotony of life with someone. no matter how stressful or demanding your day is, coming home to someone who loves you and finding some silly or goofy reason to laugh, makes it all better.

now positive polly has to let you know that it's certainly not all bad here in San Diego as I got sun burnt on the dog beach on sunday, found a new group to hike with, and went wine tasting an hour from my home but it's been a challenging month and a half. it's definitely time to take a step back and re-evaluate. i made it out to San Diego (which i need to impress myself is impressive enough) and am semi-getting started on building a life here but what do i really want that life to look like? and with the holidays almost upon us, it's certainly a good time to do conduct some svadhyaya (yogi word for self reflection.

namaste

melissa

whacked out widow dreams

I could tell you about how getting back to a fulfilling full time job has taken some adjustment or that I have been too busy enjoying time with recent guests that i haven't had time write but I won't. I will tell you about whacked out widow dreams...

Often times I wake up especially lonely or sad after a shaken night's rest and I know that something probably happened in my dreams but I just don't remember what. Or sometimes I remember the dreams vividly and the emotions that went along with it like this morning...

I was seated at a long lunch table and there was a wide aisle between my table the boy's lunch table across the way not too unlike the high school cafeteria I once sat in. I was seated with girls who included Matt's sisters but not his real sisters. Sisters that I had never met or were just unfamiliar to me. Matt was across the aisle with a table full of blurred faces. He was looking especially handsome with some sort of sweater on within his uniform code. I remember talking with the girls as normal high school girls do at the lunch table about why Matt wasn't talking to me but don't recall the specifics only recalling the emotion of an adolescent girl dissecting boy problems. Finally he got up and walked out of the cafeteria directly past my lunch table without acknowledging my presence. I was devastated as only a high school cheerleader could be. And then someone reminded me that he couldn't answer me because he had died. I don't remember a direct person telling me this more like a voice from around the cafeteria but I was satisfied with the answer and realized that he truly couldn't talk to me... 

This morning I woke up oddly at peace after remembering the heavy emotions of the night's dreams...

namaste

melissa 

How Did I Get Here?

In my humble opinion one of the best memories in life is remembering the first time you heard a song and where you were at that point in your life...

My uncle had one of the best CD collections ever. He had CD's and their cases stacked all over his house. As his niece, he let me borrow his CD's and I would copy them. Not to date myself but I think I jammed them and made a cassette tape to record them. Can't really remember how things worked back then... 

But I do remember that he let me borrow his Talking Head CD's. I have many good memories of listening to the Talking Heads afterwards at different stages in my life and I recently revived my love for their song, "As the Days Go By" and continue to ask myself... How did I get here?

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

namaste

Melissa

I'm a Survivor

So few people in our lives do we have that will just love us unconditionally. I have/had plenty in my life so I am not complaining here but it's just such a glorious feeling that we could all use more and more of those people in our lives. So, Pappy, James D. Wood, was one of those people in my life. Today marks the third anniversary of his death. I truly believe that to this day I, never had time to fully recover from his death as two months afterwards Matt's second brain tumor was found.

For some reason as I started anew out here, I couldn't help but wonder, what would Pappy say? Now, Pappy was a man that believed in hard work, getting up early, and never overpaying when there was a deal to be found. From an early age, he instilled a strong work ethic in me and I can still remember him driving me to my first job interview at his favorite pizza place. He was very proud when I got the job and also enjoyed the discount on pizza. He found the right combination of spoiling me rotten but pushing me because he knew I was capable. When I decided to move to Chicago he told me, "I am so happy for you but I wish it was here." He of course would have loved for me to be in town but knew that I needed something bigger. He even drove the Uhaul through the South Side of Chicago for me. He loved visiting me in the city, Pappy was a city guy growing up in Brooklyn. Nanny and Pappy made the trip to Chicago once after Matt and I were married and we enjoyed the architectural tour on Lake Michigan. I discussed with Nanny the other day what he would have thought. She said he would have been proud, he always was.

In Late Spring of 2010, we got the awful news that Pappy had cancer. He felt fine but cancer had essentially taken over his whole body with no signs until a scan revealed the truth. A mere three months later, my beloved grandfather was unrecognizable. After his diagnosis, I tried to make it home as much as possible given the five hour drive. Pappy, after learning his fate and knowing what would happen quickly, resolved to tell all his family members how much they meant to him. We were sitting in lawn chairs in the backyard the sun in our eyes when he said his peace to me. He gave me a Survivor bracelet he had made with the Cancer Support group at his hospital. He told me I was the Survivor, that Matt and him would live out their destiny and I would be the Survivor. I knew this to be true but simply couldn't face that fact at the time. Although those were words of terror at the time, his words soothe me to this day. I know him and Matt are with me watching over their Survivor.

Pappy and I in Put-In-Bay 2006 before things got rowdy!

namaste

Melissa