whacked out widow dreams

I could tell you about how getting back to a fulfilling full time job has taken some adjustment or that I have been too busy enjoying time with recent guests that i haven't had time write but I won't. I will tell you about whacked out widow dreams...

Often times I wake up especially lonely or sad after a shaken night's rest and I know that something probably happened in my dreams but I just don't remember what. Or sometimes I remember the dreams vividly and the emotions that went along with it like this morning...

I was seated at a long lunch table and there was a wide aisle between my table the boy's lunch table across the way not too unlike the high school cafeteria I once sat in. I was seated with girls who included Matt's sisters but not his real sisters. Sisters that I had never met or were just unfamiliar to me. Matt was across the aisle with a table full of blurred faces. He was looking especially handsome with some sort of sweater on within his uniform code. I remember talking with the girls as normal high school girls do at the lunch table about why Matt wasn't talking to me but don't recall the specifics only recalling the emotion of an adolescent girl dissecting boy problems. Finally he got up and walked out of the cafeteria directly past my lunch table without acknowledging my presence. I was devastated as only a high school cheerleader could be. And then someone reminded me that he couldn't answer me because he had died. I don't remember a direct person telling me this more like a voice from around the cafeteria but I was satisfied with the answer and realized that he truly couldn't talk to me... 

This morning I woke up oddly at peace after remembering the heavy emotions of the night's dreams...

namaste

melissa 

How Did I Get Here?

In my humble opinion one of the best memories in life is remembering the first time you heard a song and where you were at that point in your life...

My uncle had one of the best CD collections ever. He had CD's and their cases stacked all over his house. As his niece, he let me borrow his CD's and I would copy them. Not to date myself but I think I jammed them and made a cassette tape to record them. Can't really remember how things worked back then... 

But I do remember that he let me borrow his Talking Head CD's. I have many good memories of listening to the Talking Heads afterwards at different stages in my life and I recently revived my love for their song, "As the Days Go By" and continue to ask myself... How did I get here?

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
wife
And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/in the silent water
Under the rocks and stones/there is water underground.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

namaste

Melissa

I'm a Survivor

So few people in our lives do we have that will just love us unconditionally. I have/had plenty in my life so I am not complaining here but it's just such a glorious feeling that we could all use more and more of those people in our lives. So, Pappy, James D. Wood, was one of those people in my life. Today marks the third anniversary of his death. I truly believe that to this day I, never had time to fully recover from his death as two months afterwards Matt's second brain tumor was found.

For some reason as I started anew out here, I couldn't help but wonder, what would Pappy say? Now, Pappy was a man that believed in hard work, getting up early, and never overpaying when there was a deal to be found. From an early age, he instilled a strong work ethic in me and I can still remember him driving me to my first job interview at his favorite pizza place. He was very proud when I got the job and also enjoyed the discount on pizza. He found the right combination of spoiling me rotten but pushing me because he knew I was capable. When I decided to move to Chicago he told me, "I am so happy for you but I wish it was here." He of course would have loved for me to be in town but knew that I needed something bigger. He even drove the Uhaul through the South Side of Chicago for me. He loved visiting me in the city, Pappy was a city guy growing up in Brooklyn. Nanny and Pappy made the trip to Chicago once after Matt and I were married and we enjoyed the architectural tour on Lake Michigan. I discussed with Nanny the other day what he would have thought. She said he would have been proud, he always was.

In Late Spring of 2010, we got the awful news that Pappy had cancer. He felt fine but cancer had essentially taken over his whole body with no signs until a scan revealed the truth. A mere three months later, my beloved grandfather was unrecognizable. After his diagnosis, I tried to make it home as much as possible given the five hour drive. Pappy, after learning his fate and knowing what would happen quickly, resolved to tell all his family members how much they meant to him. We were sitting in lawn chairs in the backyard the sun in our eyes when he said his peace to me. He gave me a Survivor bracelet he had made with the Cancer Support group at his hospital. He told me I was the Survivor, that Matt and him would live out their destiny and I would be the Survivor. I knew this to be true but simply couldn't face that fact at the time. Although those were words of terror at the time, his words soothe me to this day. I know him and Matt are with me watching over their Survivor.

Pappy and I in Put-In-Bay 2006 before things got rowdy!

namaste

Melissa