Friday, November 22, 2013

just breathe

i knew pearl jam was coming to San Diego and for awhile i debated whether i really wanted to go to the concert without matt. then i realized, he wanted me to go to the concert. and i should buy amazing tickets. this revelation came on matt's birthday when i once again remembered, that you need to take advantage of today and do what you love. so i went on the hunt for tickets.

eventually i found some with the help of a pearl jam junkie advising me where to sit and paying the markup for having to pay on stubhub. i bought the tix only about a week out so i began analyzing the music intensely. the songs matt had played me. the lyrics to the songs. what songs i wanted to be played. there were definitely some tears. the lyrics were speaking to me especially from their new album. 

i could write a very long blog post about all the songs that mean something to me instead i will only share one. my aunt put together a slide show of pics of matt after he passed. she loves putting together slide shows and even did one for our wedding. she remembered he loved pearl jam and searched her computer for one of their songs. she found "just breathe". later as she practiced yoga on matt's birthday, she heard this song. they played it last night. check it...

and here are the lyrics...

just breathe

Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none

Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh
Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed

Stay with me
You're all I see...

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me

As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah...

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side...



Tuesday, November 12, 2013

just another day in paradise

again. again I haven't written in a long time. i wonder why? it seems that since i started work i haven't had the energy for it. or the energy to sit at the computer after i sit there for eight hours a day. to give you an idea of how things have been going here the past few weeks here's a little story that seems to sum it up...

matt's car that i inherited has been generally running well but there have been a few hiccups and as we know hiccups with cars typically means spending a lot of money for something we know nothing about. so when an indicator light came on about a month ago, i quivered. it took me about two weeks before i actually got out the book to determine what the issue was. i was overjoyed to know it was just a headlight out. and in the meantime, i could just turn on the fog lights and see just fine. in about another two weeks, i went to napa auto parts to pick up a light. it was a busy day at work but i was determined to pick this item up after two weeks of procrastination! typically i sweet talk auto parts store workers into assisting me with such repairs but this guy was not having any of my funny business. and i was exhausted so i gave up rather quickly and i am not so sure my sweet talk was very sweet. i asked a few male friends and no one knew how to help (again where is that hunky tool man looking to help a damsel in distress). finally when the sand and dust had accumulated to an embarrassing level in/on my car, i pulled into my local car wash. it was a slow day and i asked if the guys could change the light and they more than happy to oblige! finally! i drove off and that night enjoyed the extra glow of the headlight. about one week later, the same indicator light turned. what the hell? i thought those car wash guys knew what they were doing! turns out they did, the other headlight is now out.

so yeah, it feels a little like i can't get ahead these days. matt's b-day was about a week ago and that brought with it a lot of emotion. i spent the day relaxing, playing with lila, and going to a concert of some of my favorite chant music with a dear friend. matt would have thought it was ridiculous but so were most of my crazy hair brained ideas and he still loved me. still it was emotional. and i think being back to a routine and most importantly not doing whatever the heck i want for 24 hours a day has really brought up those oh too familiar widow thoughts. it has made me miss sharing the monotony of life with someone. no matter how stressful or demanding your day is, coming home to someone who loves you and finding some silly or goofy reason to laugh, makes it all better.

now positive polly has to let you know that it's certainly not all bad here in San Diego as I got sun burnt on the dog beach on sunday, found a new group to hike with, and went wine tasting an hour from my home but it's been a challenging month and a half. it's definitely time to take a step back and re-evaluate. i made it out to San Diego (which i need to impress myself is impressive enough) and am semi-getting started on building a life here but what do i really want that life to look like? and with the holidays almost upon us, it's certainly a good time to do conduct some svadhyaya (yogi word for self reflection.