Thursday, July 16, 2015

6 years ago... (written on 7/11/15)

I married Mr. Matthew Calmes. It was a beautiful day filled with friends, family, and love. And fun... lots and lots of fun. As I sit here today in our little apartment a few blocks from the beach married to a new wonderful man, I simply can't believe it. Can't believe what has gone down in the past six years, lots good, lots bad, lots of life. One of my favorite apps alerted me to the upcoming anniversary a few days ago as it showed old posts from friends anticipating Matt and I's big day six years ago. Then the memories started waving in. As I sat at lunch today staring off into the sunny mid day mall traffic, I simply couldn't believe it. It felt like someone had bitch slapped me and told me that I was married to a great man, that man passed away, and now I live in California and am married to another amazing man. But I am and I am happy and I am so lucky to have found love again. It's not that I feel bad for being happy again it's that I feel so sad that Matt didn't get all the things that I am so looking forward to with Kyle; a house, kids, growing old together. It simply isn't fair that Matt didn't get all those things in life. Today I remember an amazing day six years ago and I am sure Matt's beautiful soul is celebrating wherever it may be.

Monday, March 9, 2015

three years ago today...

on this day three years ago, the world lost a great man. i went back through my previous sad-aversary posts and i said it before and i will say it again, it's simply unbelievable. my life was in complete turmoil three years ago today. i had been caring for Matt day and night for the previous few months before he quietly passed away that evening as we drifted off to sleep. i stayed in chicago for the next year before taking that trek across the world and spent this day two years ago in Bali chasing a dream and finding gratitude in a pretty awful situation. last year, i was well on my way of building a new life here in San Diego and commemorated the day by having an infinity tattooed on my foot with matt's and my initials. today, i am celebrating the sale of my condo. the magnitude of me selling our home the day before his passing has not gone unnoticed and i think he had a lot to do with it. there were many tears shed yesterday but also laughs as i closed out an amazing weekend filled with a date night with my fiancee, a bridal shower hosted by one of my oldest friends, and a relaxing sunday with biking, beaching, and crafting. i slept in late today, the time change really seemed to get me and i probably just needed that extra hour of sleep on this emotional day. tonight i am planning to spread some of matt's ashes in the Pacific. i haven't done this yet but have been meaning to and today seems just right. then kyle and i are going to have some pizza in matt's honor because he always loved finding a good slice of za.

please enjoy that extra piece of pizza today, even if you are on a wedding diet... you never know what tomorrow will bring...

this is the last pic i have of matt... he was resting so peaceful with the best doggie in the world in our beautiful condo

offerings seen two years ago today in Bali

sometimes pain can make you smile

a beautiful sunset at my bridal shower this weekend



Tuesday, January 20, 2015

bootcamp completed!

yesterday i completed my 2015 elite bootcamp challenge! it was another great journey and i am so proud that i did not miss a class! even though they were at 6am! and while i did it, i learned that i am just not cut out to work out that early. i didn't enjoy it and it wasn't fun for me. usually i am the one smiling in class ready to break into a dance party at any time but at 6am there will be no dancing and please don't encourage me, i might punch you. but that's okay, part of growing is learning what's best for us and our bodies. it was difficult for me even to get my heart rate that high so early. i still love to workout and do bootcamps but just not the same thing everyday at the butt crack of dawn. i also found that i missed the freedom of going for a run one day over lunch or going to a yoga class after work to decompress. i like to switch it up! but as always, corepower impressed me with their programming and it set me in motion for a much healthier lifestyle (even drinking a green juice as a i type). one of my biggest goals was to continue this healthy lifestyle well on past the two weeks. hopefully forever but definitely long enough to get me looking slim and trim for the big day. as we closed out camp, our coaches gave us a piece of paper and envelope to write ourselves a letter that they will mail in one month. we were supposed to put a few things we were proud of accomplishing and then a few more that we hoped to accomplish. i did this activity in high school and when i was in chicago the letter found itself to me. it was frightening, i was obsessed with my high school boyfriend and only wrote about marrying him and nothing about what i wanted to achieve. let's hope this letter doesn't find me so dramatically changed, chugging down drink juices, crying at the thought of doing another push up.

my coach shared this with me and well he is just so cute... do something!



Friday, January 9, 2015

bootcamp bitches and some quickies from the widowed yogi's recipe box

2015 is off to an amazing start! after completing my mini cleanse last week, it was clear that some major lifestyle changes needed to be made in the new year. i had heard about core power's elite bootcamp and had thought about signing up but after my intense headache from a one day fast, i knew it was time . if you recall, i did a bootcamp last december right before the holidays. then it was a three week program and now it's a two week program. the elite bootcamp is for those that have gone through corepower's bootcamp before. for two weeks at 6am i am doing some sort of bootcamp challenge. this format has been different in the fact that every day we have a different style of training. yesterday it was pilates (this wasn't your average pilates) and the day before it was cross fit. the best thing about these bootcamps is that it forces me to eat well. my body is so fatigued and in need of foods that will fuel me, that unhealthy eating just isn't an option. biggest lesson learned thus far, you need protein after an intense workout to repair your muscle. and just like last BC, i realized that a "second workout" is imperative to not getting sore. it's usually not intense for me but just a walk on the beach or teaching yoga. either way, it helps a lot. and the third a-ha moment is how i spend my evenings. i have to get bed early because well by about 9.15 i can't keep my eyes open and instead of drinking wine and surfing the web, i have been wanting to meditate and do some quiet yoga practice including lots of savasana. crazy how making one change in life can cause so many others to feel right. below i included some of my favorite healthy snacks from the week. try em out for some fuel!

drinking this as i blog! i also added some vanilla protein powder instead of vanilla extract to fuel up after my workout. pic and recipe taken from In Search of Yummyness.

prepping some rosemary roasted almonds... pour a little olive oil in there... chop up rosemary very fine... couple of dashes of chili powder... and lots of salt for me... bake for about 25 minutes at 325 and you've got a great grab and go snack! 

hoping your 2015 is off to an amazing start! looking forward to learning and growing in this new year with my readers out there!