Thursday, July 16, 2015

6 years ago... (written on 7/11/15)

I married Mr. Matthew Calmes. It was a beautiful day filled with friends, family, and love. And fun... lots and lots of fun. As I sit here today in our little apartment a few blocks from the beach married to a new wonderful man, I simply can't believe it. Can't believe what has gone down in the past six years, lots good, lots bad, lots of life. One of my favorite apps alerted me to the upcoming anniversary a few days ago as it showed old posts from friends anticipating Matt and I's big day six years ago. Then the memories started waving in. As I sat at lunch today staring off into the sunny mid day mall traffic, I simply couldn't believe it. It felt like someone had bitch slapped me and told me that I was married to a great man, that man passed away, and now I live in California and am married to another amazing man. But I am and I am happy and I am so lucky to have found love again. It's not that I feel bad for being happy again it's that I feel so sad that Matt didn't get all the things that I am so looking forward to with Kyle; a house, kids, growing old together. It simply isn't fair that Matt didn't get all those things in life. Today I remember an amazing day six years ago and I am sure Matt's beautiful soul is celebrating wherever it may be.

Monday, March 9, 2015

three years ago today...

on this day three years ago, the world lost a great man. i went back through my previous sad-aversary posts and i said it before and i will say it again, it's simply unbelievable. my life was in complete turmoil three years ago today. i had been caring for Matt day and night for the previous few months before he quietly passed away that evening as we drifted off to sleep. i stayed in chicago for the next year before taking that trek across the world and spent this day two years ago in Bali chasing a dream and finding gratitude in a pretty awful situation. last year, i was well on my way of building a new life here in San Diego and commemorated the day by having an infinity tattooed on my foot with matt's and my initials. today, i am celebrating the sale of my condo. the magnitude of me selling our home the day before his passing has not gone unnoticed and i think he had a lot to do with it. there were many tears shed yesterday but also laughs as i closed out an amazing weekend filled with a date night with my fiancee, a bridal shower hosted by one of my oldest friends, and a relaxing sunday with biking, beaching, and crafting. i slept in late today, the time change really seemed to get me and i probably just needed that extra hour of sleep on this emotional day. tonight i am planning to spread some of matt's ashes in the Pacific. i haven't done this yet but have been meaning to and today seems just right. then kyle and i are going to have some pizza in matt's honor because he always loved finding a good slice of za.

please enjoy that extra piece of pizza today, even if you are on a wedding diet... you never know what tomorrow will bring...

this is the last pic i have of matt... he was resting so peaceful with the best doggie in the world in our beautiful condo

offerings seen two years ago today in Bali

sometimes pain can make you smile

a beautiful sunset at my bridal shower this weekend



Tuesday, January 20, 2015

bootcamp completed!

yesterday i completed my 2015 elite bootcamp challenge! it was another great journey and i am so proud that i did not miss a class! even though they were at 6am! and while i did it, i learned that i am just not cut out to work out that early. i didn't enjoy it and it wasn't fun for me. usually i am the one smiling in class ready to break into a dance party at any time but at 6am there will be no dancing and please don't encourage me, i might punch you. but that's okay, part of growing is learning what's best for us and our bodies. it was difficult for me even to get my heart rate that high so early. i still love to workout and do bootcamps but just not the same thing everyday at the butt crack of dawn. i also found that i missed the freedom of going for a run one day over lunch or going to a yoga class after work to decompress. i like to switch it up! but as always, corepower impressed me with their programming and it set me in motion for a much healthier lifestyle (even drinking a green juice as a i type). one of my biggest goals was to continue this healthy lifestyle well on past the two weeks. hopefully forever but definitely long enough to get me looking slim and trim for the big day. as we closed out camp, our coaches gave us a piece of paper and envelope to write ourselves a letter that they will mail in one month. we were supposed to put a few things we were proud of accomplishing and then a few more that we hoped to accomplish. i did this activity in high school and when i was in chicago the letter found itself to me. it was frightening, i was obsessed with my high school boyfriend and only wrote about marrying him and nothing about what i wanted to achieve. let's hope this letter doesn't find me so dramatically changed, chugging down drink juices, crying at the thought of doing another push up.

my coach shared this with me and well he is just so cute... do something!



Friday, January 9, 2015

bootcamp bitches and some quickies from the widowed yogi's recipe box

2015 is off to an amazing start! after completing my mini cleanse last week, it was clear that some major lifestyle changes needed to be made in the new year. i had heard about core power's elite bootcamp and had thought about signing up but after my intense headache from a one day fast, i knew it was time . if you recall, i did a bootcamp last december right before the holidays. then it was a three week program and now it's a two week program. the elite bootcamp is for those that have gone through corepower's bootcamp before. for two weeks at 6am i am doing some sort of bootcamp challenge. this format has been different in the fact that every day we have a different style of training. yesterday it was pilates (this wasn't your average pilates) and the day before it was cross fit. the best thing about these bootcamps is that it forces me to eat well. my body is so fatigued and in need of foods that will fuel me, that unhealthy eating just isn't an option. biggest lesson learned thus far, you need protein after an intense workout to repair your muscle. and just like last BC, i realized that a "second workout" is imperative to not getting sore. it's usually not intense for me but just a walk on the beach or teaching yoga. either way, it helps a lot. and the third a-ha moment is how i spend my evenings. i have to get bed early because well by about 9.15 i can't keep my eyes open and instead of drinking wine and surfing the web, i have been wanting to meditate and do some quiet yoga practice including lots of savasana. crazy how making one change in life can cause so many others to feel right. below i included some of my favorite healthy snacks from the week. try em out for some fuel!

drinking this as i blog! i also added some vanilla protein powder instead of vanilla extract to fuel up after my workout. pic and recipe taken from In Search of Yummyness.

prepping some rosemary roasted almonds... pour a little olive oil in there... chop up rosemary very fine... couple of dashes of chili powder... and lots of salt for me... bake for about 25 minutes at 325 and you've got a great grab and go snack! 

hoping your 2015 is off to an amazing start! looking forward to learning and growing in this new year with my readers out there! 



Tuesday, December 30, 2014

pre-new years cleanse

thus far i haven't been very successful in completing a cleanse. the first time i ever really tried was in Bali during teacher training. truth be told i had never even had a green juice so it was probably a bit aggressive to start a three day cleanse with only green juices while in training in one of the hottest places i have ever been. basically being in Bali you are detoxing because you constantly sweat. the day i started my cleanse i later found myself eating dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants which may or may not have included a brownie sundae. i then tried an auyrveda cleanse when i got home and lasted a bit longer but ended up stopping after about day two because well things weren't moving along as they should. a local juice company, Suja, sells a cleanse at Costco and I have bought this a few times. the first time i tried, i quit at the end of day one because i wanted to go to the movies and eat popcorn and candy. the second, i just wanted to supplement my meals with some juices. and now here i am again. kyle and i bought the cleanse again and split it not intending to do the full three days. i was going to do only do one day but here i am on day 2 sipping another juice eating some raw oatmeal! day 1 was rough though, i literally had a headache all day. yes, all day. it could have been from caffeine withdrawal or it could have been from my toxins crying. not really sure. but point is, i am sticking to it! only problem is i know that new years festivities won't keep me on this cleanse and i don't want to come off it too abruptly so i am starting to come off gently today including a cup of tea. it was tough to get much done at work yesterday so i am going to try and cut the caffeine a little more slowly to avoid the horrific headache. it's crazy to know that my body was in so much pain from withdrawing to my addictions to sugar, processed foods, and caffeine. it's prompting me to start the new year off with a little more intention though, only putting foods in my body that heal it not hurt it! and perhaps a full blown three day cleanse is in my very near future!


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

the holiday season is here!

that's it! i am going to quit apologizing for not blogging! i enjoy it especially sharing my story with other widows but life has been busy lately. i recently heard a little saying or quote that, "every time you say yes to something, you no to something else". it's so true, there is only time for so much but with the majority of our wedding planned and work slowing down, hopefully i will have a little more time for this in 2015. for now, on to the good stuff.

i have really settled into my new Cali holiday traditions this year and eagerly looked forward to a visit from my mom and nanny for thanksgiving. they came out the day before tgiving and we spent the first day dining by the sea and enjoying a couple of glasses of wine before they headed to their little cottage down the street to recover from the time change. on thanksgiving, my mom and i attended an amazing yet extremely packed donation yoga class at a local studio (happy-u namaste). we headed back and kyle and i prepped to host our first thanksgiving! i handled the sides and he sat outside in the sun frying our turkey. my family was there along with another couple that live nearby. although i wish i had a little more table and space to host, it was perfect. while we did most of it, nanny was there to help and it was so comforting to have her in the kitchen with me.

and in one of the dumbest bridal planning moves ever, i scheduled some dress shopping for the weekend after massive eating. me, my mom, nan, and my matron of honor headed to a couple of shops to check out some dresses and i said yes to the dress! i tried some on at david's bridal before heading to brides by demetrios and found a dress 70% off on the rack! i think it will be perfect for our causal beachside wedding and can't wait for kyle to see me in it! although we had already found the dress, we headed up to beverly hills to check out another store the following day. the bridal dresses were beautiful but i was still happy with my choice and even found a sale rehearsal dress! then we went to one of the housewives new restaurants and ended up sitting right next to Lisa Vanderpump, the housewife herself! as most of you know the housewives are absolutely my guilty pleasure and it was so fun to get a pic with her and my nan!

the rest of the weekend was filled with walking the beach, watching sunsets at our wedding venue, eating fish tacos, and enjoying all things that SoCal has to offer during the holidays! i have really been able to start some new holiday traditions out here and i am so happy to be celebrating in this new way with both new and old family and friends. kyle and i started dating last year right before thanksgiving and then our relationship really started getting serious around christmas so it has been especially nice to have traditions with him this year. we are looking forward to a quiet christmas here near the beach filled with our 2nd annual Christmas Eve fondue followed by chinese food and a movie on Christmas Day to celebrate kyle's Jewish heritage.

wishing you and yours an amazing holiday season that may include old and new traditions... whatever you do... do what makes your heart happy and warm! merry christmas and a happy new year!

kyle frying his turkey in our driveway 

me and nan with the housewife! 

 with my matron after saying yes!

saying yes with my mom and nan right by my side 

nan on Rodeo Drive!

watching surfers in Encinitas 

 surfer's crossing

sunset at Sunset Cliffs 

nan's happy place is by the water 

afternoon tea after dress shopping 

nan also loves a good lighthouse! 

last beach walk of the trip