Thursday, July 31, 2014

Monday, July 28, 2014

yogi luv

had a great weekend and feeling pretty good since i loaded up on sleep yesterday but still... it's monday again...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

san fran... i heart you

so i headed to san fran this week/weekend for work and play. i headed into my firm's san jose office on wednesday before heading downtown that evening and spending some QT in the city. i have a few friends in the city so i made some jam packed plans to visit with all of them in the day in a half that i had some free time. the last time that i was in the city by the bay was about seven and a half years ago...

matt had been working in SF on his consulting gigs and i planned to make a trip out to meet him. if i am honest, i knew something was up because he had made all the arrangements himself and had not asked a lot of input on trip planning from me. and well, if i am really honest, i may have snuck a peek at an email or two. i've never been one for suprises. i flew into SFO and took the Bart to meet him downtown. little did i know that where i was staying this trip was a couple of blocks from where we stayed in union square. as i drove by one of the famous artistic hearts just a few steps from my hotel, i realized that was where matt  and I had posed for a photo op all those years ago. i defintily got choked up. it has been a long time since i felt a connection with a place with matt. this was a place i had only been with him so i couldn't help but be reminded of our time there together.

while i stayed in the city this trip to do some more exploring, matt and i's trip took a different turn. after staying in the city for only about a day and half, we headed down the PCH to big sur. on our drive is where he pulled over and proposed to me by a bench that we happened to stumble upon on the coast that had carved into it; "into her arms he dove to begin his new journey."

the trip bought back some wonderful memories. it had been a long time since i have been in place that reminded me so much of him and felt so much like our place. i had a great trip though; got a lot done for work and got to see many friends from different stages of my life. while i had enjoyed my stay in San Fran, some time in a hustling bustling city only helped reinforce i am exactly where i need to be right now. as soon as i got back to SD, i headed for the ocean and was even greeted by dolphins along my morning run today. welcome back to paradise!

heart in SF with matt in jan 2007

the proposal site

"into her arms he dove to begin his new journey"

headstand in front of the golden gate this trip!



Wednesday, July 16, 2014

yogi luv

need to remember this while traveling to san fran today... patience is a virtue!



Sunday, July 13, 2014

another year another anniversary

i haven't written in awhile and as per usual, a lot has happened. first came the passing of another year as i turned 32. it was a wonderful birthday weekend sponsored by my special someone filled with laughter and love. with my bday so close to my anniversary of moving to SD, i had spent a lot of time reflecting on the past year then. on my birthday weekend, i was ready to let loose SD style filled with cocktails by the ocean, yoga, world cup soccer, and my childhood favorite... an ice cream cake!

then came the 4th of July. whenever we talk about living in the USA and the freedoms that we have, i can't help but think of the freedom that i was given during that first year of grief. i had the freedom to take some time off from work to let myself heal. and most importantly, i had the freedom to get up and move to wherever my heart desired. i know i take these types of freedoms for granted on a daily basis so it's nice to have a day to reflect on how good i really do have it.

and alas, another anniversary was upon me. my should have been 5 year wedding anniversary with matt. I think this was a significant one for me as i have now been without Matt for more wedding anniversaries then we were together which seems impossible. there were some nerves/emotions building up to the anniversary but these days i try not to get lost in it. i had quite a few nightmares this past week and some of them included matt leading to some restless nights. the day of, i woke well rested which i was very appreciative of. then it hit me... what day it was... what had happened five years ago today. i went to my usual morning routine of journaling and pulled out my journals from the past two years to see how far i have come. mostly it just seems unfair to me... that this wonderful man didn't have the chance to live out more of his life. that he couldn't be here married to the woman that he loved raising a family. it just isn't fair that this was taken from him. i had a hair appointment that day and was ready to be pampered but as i sat getting my hair shampooed, the lady next to me was complaining about everything in her life.... her kids, staying home with the kids, driving, being married, and everything in between. i had to restrain myself from saying something to her on this day when it felt those daily annoyances of life between matt and i had been stolen. so to celebrate our wedding anniversary... take a moment to relish in those daily annoyances that you share with someone... you never know when you will miss those with all of your being.

july 2009 

making a nice dinner to celebrate our 1 year 

2 year anniversary camping at the sand dunes state park in MI

july 11, 2013