ESPN Zone

As many of you are aware, football kicked off this weekend. With the start of the fall sports season, I am tackling another wave of emotions. Matt was one of the biggest sports fans there was. He loved it, all of it. He was a die hard Wisconsin fan following the Badgers, Packers and Brewers. Most of the gifts that I got Matt over the years had to do with some sports team. One of the first being an old school Milwaukee Brewers jacket. Two years ago I bought him a vintage UW calendar. For his last birthday, I took him to the UW vs. Purdue game. What a great time we had. I could go on for awhile here. I knew some especially unique sports shirt/poster/etc. would be a sure fire win. Now I am left with our second room, Matt's room, filled with all the WI paraphernalia collected over the years, piles of red and green shirts folded neatly in the drawers. As teams kickoff this year, I am really sad. I miss his enthusiasm for the game. I miss hearing his outlook for the season. I miss hearing him talk about the game of the day. Our weekend plans revolved around the games. 

Truthfully, I am not a football fan. Sorry to say that after being a cheerleader for four years in high school, going to games in college, and being married to Matt... I am still not exactly sure of how the game works. As Matt would say, I am a fan of any game that I can go to, put on a cute T-shirt and drink some beers. I enjoy the fanfare. I like the crisp fall air with a hint of summer and the smell of the turning leaves. I adored Matt's love of the game. He turned this Ohio girl into a Badgers/Packers fan. Although this year, I have been hesitant to step up to the sidelines. I don't miss the game but I miss his joy of the season. I miss him. I feel like there is giant hole on the 50 yard line of my heart. 

Also with the start of the season brings two more milestones, next Sunday will be 6 months. And around this time last year is when Matt began to exhibit signs of his growing brain tumor. One of the first times I realized something was really amiss was in October when Matt was planning to be at a Bachelor Party which included tailgating at the Packers game. A few days before I asked him the plans and he had forgotten about it. This was not my Matt. And then his lack of excitement or interest in the Super Bowl was astounding. I can barely believe how much my life has changed within the past year and 6 months. My grief began about a year ago as the tumor took away the sports fan I knew and I started to make very important calls on my own.

I will be so lost this season, for many many reasons. I would tell Matt on the end of Sundays to fill me on the highlights of the day so I could be clued in for the following Monday 's office sports talk. I won't have any idea of what the play of the day is. At some point, I know I will be able to put on my Badgers and Packers gear with pride and joy but right now it hurts way too much. I want to close my eyes and ears to it all. I don't have the energy to check the scoreboard. I want him to be here telling me that our Saturday needs to be planned around a 3.30 game or waiting for the schedule to be confirmed so we can decide what to do. Walking to a sports bar near our place for a Saturday filled with beers and football.  Matt be-bopping around the house with the completion, Lila enjoying all the jumping around. I want him to be watching the game with a friend's husband as I visited them yesterday. Me planning a birthday surprise with tickets to the game. Doing a pride of stride with Lila past all the Bears fans down the street. It's just not the same without him, I am so so lost this season.

Wisconsin vs. Purdue November 2011

Matt's 32nd Birthday Celebration