Truthfully, I am not a football fan. Sorry to say that after being a cheerleader for four years in high school, going to games in college, and being married to Matt... I am still not exactly sure of how the game works. As Matt would say, I am a fan of any game that I can go to, put on a cute T-shirt and drink some beers. I enjoy the fanfare. I like the crisp fall air with a hint of summer and the smell of the turning leaves. I adored Matt's love of the game. He turned this Ohio girl into a Badgers/Packers fan. Although this year, I have been hesitant to step up to the sidelines. I don't miss the game but I miss his joy of the season. I miss him. I feel like there is giant hole on the 50 yard line of my heart.
Also with the start of the season brings two more milestones, next Sunday will be 6 months. And around this time last year is when Matt began to exhibit signs of his growing brain tumor. One of the first times I realized something was really amiss was in October when Matt was planning to be at a Bachelor Party which included tailgating at the Packers game. A few days before I asked him the plans and he had forgotten about it. This was not my Matt. And then his lack of excitement or interest in the Super Bowl was astounding. I can barely believe how much my life has changed within the past year and 6 months. My grief began about a year ago as the tumor took away the sports fan I knew and I started to make very important calls on my own.
I will be so lost this season, for many many reasons. I would tell Matt on the end of Sundays to fill me on the highlights of the day so I could be clued in for the following Monday 's office sports talk. I won't have any idea of what the play of the day is. At some point, I know I will be able to put on my Badgers and Packers gear with pride and joy but right now it hurts way too much. I want to close my eyes and ears to it all. I don't have the energy to check the scoreboard. I want him to be here telling me that our Saturday needs to be planned around a 3.30 game or waiting for the schedule to be confirmed so we can decide what to do. Walking to a sports bar near our place for a Saturday filled with beers and football. Matt be-bopping around the house with the completion, Lila enjoying all the jumping around. I want him to be watching the game with a friend's husband as I visited them yesterday. Me planning a birthday surprise with tickets to the game. Doing a pride of stride with Lila past all the Bears fans down the street. It's just not the same without him, I am so so lost this season.
Wisconsin vs. Purdue November 2011
Matt's 32nd Birthday Celebration