6 Month Check-Up

It is a PERFECT fall day today. It is also 6 months today. Unbelievable. I have been on this earth without my best friend and the love of my life for 6 months. It feels both like yesterday and an eternity ago.

I am not sure how I am feeling today. Overall this week I have been feeling better. Just like I don't why I am sometimes so down, I don't know what changed to make me feel better. Perhaps it was a trip to Ohio for Labor Day to visit with family and old friends. Perhaps it's the passage of time. Perhaps it's the changing season. All I know is that I have felt lighter and more positive. At the end of each day, I haven't felt like I was run over by a Semi Truck. I am tiptoeing around hoping that this lasts for awhile. I am no fool, I now know how grief works and I know there will be more bad days. But today, I am not feeling as bad. This doesn't mean that I don't think about Matt or miss him every second of every day. It just feels different. So today at the 6 month mark, I am trying not to let a specific day get me down or ruin my positive streak.

On this perfect fall day,I am trying to enjoy it like Matt would. I did a lot of things Matt loved this weekend; rode my bike, took Lila to the dog park, hung out with friends. I also swept up the patio, that was Matt's chore. He used to tell me that the outside was his responsibility and the inside was mine. If you have ever been to my Chicago condo you know that wasn't a fair division of duties. When he would sweep it up he would be so proud, getting mad if I didn't mention it immediately. He would be proud of how nice the patio looks with all my flowers. I am also enjoying the start of NFL. Again, I am no football fan but it just didn't feel right not to have it on the TV. So I have the game going on surround sound as I putter around getting my chores for the week done. Yesterday a friend asked me if WI won, I felt so connected to Matt at that moment. They asked me because they knew I was keeping up with WI for my man. God I miss him enjoying this day with me.

Fall Mums 

 

Lila Enjoying the clean Patio

I wanted some sort of a checklist to see what kinds of things I should be thinking about at the 6 month mark. I know, how Type A, Accountant of me. I didn't want to compare myself to anything, again I am no fool and know that the grief timeline is different for everyone. I just wanted some ideas of things to think about as a check in. I did a quick google search and didn't find anything but saw article after article stating that grief typically diminishes after 6 months. I don't know about all that but I am focusing on the thought that last week was better, I am feeling okay today and hopefully will tomorrow.  

ESPN Zone

As many of you are aware, football kicked off this weekend. With the start of the fall sports season, I am tackling another wave of emotions. Matt was one of the biggest sports fans there was. He loved it, all of it. He was a die hard Wisconsin fan following the Badgers, Packers and Brewers. Most of the gifts that I got Matt over the years had to do with some sports team. One of the first being an old school Milwaukee Brewers jacket. Two years ago I bought him a vintage UW calendar. For his last birthday, I took him to the UW vs. Purdue game. What a great time we had. I could go on for awhile here. I knew some especially unique sports shirt/poster/etc. would be a sure fire win. Now I am left with our second room, Matt's room, filled with all the WI paraphernalia collected over the years, piles of red and green shirts folded neatly in the drawers. As teams kickoff this year, I am really sad. I miss his enthusiasm for the game. I miss hearing his outlook for the season. I miss hearing him talk about the game of the day. Our weekend plans revolved around the games. 

Truthfully, I am not a football fan. Sorry to say that after being a cheerleader for four years in high school, going to games in college, and being married to Matt... I am still not exactly sure of how the game works. As Matt would say, I am a fan of any game that I can go to, put on a cute T-shirt and drink some beers. I enjoy the fanfare. I like the crisp fall air with a hint of summer and the smell of the turning leaves. I adored Matt's love of the game. He turned this Ohio girl into a Badgers/Packers fan. Although this year, I have been hesitant to step up to the sidelines. I don't miss the game but I miss his joy of the season. I miss him. I feel like there is giant hole on the 50 yard line of my heart. 

Also with the start of the season brings two more milestones, next Sunday will be 6 months. And around this time last year is when Matt began to exhibit signs of his growing brain tumor. One of the first times I realized something was really amiss was in October when Matt was planning to be at a Bachelor Party which included tailgating at the Packers game. A few days before I asked him the plans and he had forgotten about it. This was not my Matt. And then his lack of excitement or interest in the Super Bowl was astounding. I can barely believe how much my life has changed within the past year and 6 months. My grief began about a year ago as the tumor took away the sports fan I knew and I started to make very important calls on my own.

I will be so lost this season, for many many reasons. I would tell Matt on the end of Sundays to fill me on the highlights of the day so I could be clued in for the following Monday 's office sports talk. I won't have any idea of what the play of the day is. At some point, I know I will be able to put on my Badgers and Packers gear with pride and joy but right now it hurts way too much. I want to close my eyes and ears to it all. I don't have the energy to check the scoreboard. I want him to be here telling me that our Saturday needs to be planned around a 3.30 game or waiting for the schedule to be confirmed so we can decide what to do. Walking to a sports bar near our place for a Saturday filled with beers and football.  Matt be-bopping around the house with the completion, Lila enjoying all the jumping around. I want him to be watching the game with a friend's husband as I visited them yesterday. Me planning a birthday surprise with tickets to the game. Doing a pride of stride with Lila past all the Bears fans down the street. It's just not the same without him, I am so so lost this season.

Wisconsin vs. Purdue November 2011

Matt's 32nd Birthday Celebration