Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Finally an Update from the CrankMonster

I have been trying to update this blog for two weeks now. I originally wanted to on October 9th which was the 7 month sadaversary. That didn't happen because it was a crazy week so finally last week I started drafting an update. I just now sat down to reread that and tried to edit it up to date but realized it was just too outdated. So here I am trying this again. I want to get some things out but feeling stalled. Realizing that my life is going along very fast whether or not I want it to and it's hard to keep up and find time. So here goes...

The past couple weeks have been difficult. About three weeks ago, I felt myself slipping into a low. I didn't know how to stop the momentum but sure enough I found myself deep in it again. This time grief rears it's ugly head in a different manner. Last Monday was National Grouch Day and that pretty much sums it up. Except it was National Grouch Week for the past two almost three weeks. I was just angry-ish with little things setting me off. Some big things naturally set me off as well. Sorry for any friends, family, or innocent strangers that had to be a part of this. I am the first to admit that I am a moody gal evidenced by my Cancer sign and then pushed into neurotic territory recently by my grief. Matt was well aware of this wonderful trait of mine and knew that it was aggravated by lack of food. He knew that when I told him, "I was really hungry" that he better get moving to the nearest food establishment fast. We also lovingly called each a "Crankmonster" from time to time. You know that time when your loved one is just a beast so you just tell them, "Stop being a Crankmonster!"

Now to give myself credit, things haven't been business as usual around here. I have been working a lot which has included a lot of travel. Travel is not what it used to be for me. I used to enjoy a night away, a decent meal, and a big fluffy bed. Now there is so much more to it. First of all, I have to board Lila which I hate. She senses something is going on that whole day so she paces around the house wondering what is going to happen next. I hate throwing her off schedule more than she already has the past year. Her whole world has been shaken up too. By the end of the trip which includes lost of hosting and talking to people, I am ready to get home. I race back to the city to usually hit some traffic and then pick up Lila. I am exhausted and ready to get home but then I get home. All the lights are off the blinds are pulled and there is a chill in the air. I am then sad to get home.

Thankfully, I think I just unpacked my bags for what seems to be the last time in awhile. I am looking forward to a more stable schedule as is Lila. I went to yoga the past two days and hope to keep on this trend. With all the travel, I haven't been able to stick to my normal schedules of Yoga and Zumba which is probably pushing this further into CrankMonster territory. But things are looking up right now, well at least for today and I think I am beginning to climb out of the low land.

In yoga class tonight, the Instructor encouraged us not to judge ourselves. It's difficult in class and even more so in life. I constantly find myself looking around the studio to see whose crow or wheel are better than mine. Why can't I do a headstand, I have been trying this for months now! I tried to apply that to my life and my state of mind the past couple of weeks. I haven't been in the best of moods and not proud of myself but I can't judge myself too much. I think maybe this just had to get out, being angry at the world and my situation. During counseling sessions, I have been consistently asked if I am angry at Matt as this is a typical response in spousal lose. I wasn't angry at him but I was just generally angry. Again, I know I have plenty of things to be thankful for and I am not saying I have it the worst out there but maybe I just had to let my inner CrankMonster out about this situation for awhile.

I think I unleashed the beast for now and I am ready to find some more positive territory. But if I do have to stomp around the house every once in awhile and punch the air to let it out, I don't think there is any harm in that



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