As I posted last go around, I was a major Crankmonster B the past few weeks. Work is starting to calm down and I feel the crankiness start to subside with it. I think that while I was busy storming around the city I forgot to be sad. Or I was sad but I didn't have enough time to sit around and moan and groan so I was just stomping around with my grief. But I am starting to feel better, making some new plans, and getting excited about some things and also allowing some time to greive. But then another storm is brewing... this Saturday should have been Matt's 33rd birthday. And there is a special mass at our church on Friday evening to remember those that have gone before us, where we both got married and held Matt's memorial mass all within three years. So just as I was feeling better, here comes another event to shake my stability.
I invited some friends to attend the mass with me and I am thankful that several stepped up to come with me. Saturday, I have some Zumba events planned to keep myself busy but I feel like I should be doing something "fun" to celebrate Matt. But as I type that I realize that just isn't possible, how can I have fun on Matt's birthday when he isn't here to celebrate. There probably just isn't anyway to handle this right so I will do the best that I can.
Then I start thinking about his birthday last year, getting a nice steak dinner and surprising him with Badger tickets. Well trying to surprise him... I am not good at surprises. He caught on to my surprise in the waiting room of the University of Chicago last year... waiting for a second opinion. As much as I love getting gifts, I love giving them but get way too excited and let the cat out of the bag way before the big day comes.
Mostly I am dreaming about our honeymoon that was going on three years ago exactly. We had waited to take our honeymoon in Aruba about four months after our wedding and it was the perfect plan. Living in Chicago, I love to take a vaca when the cold is here and it gave us some time to rest from the big wedding we threw. If you haven't put two and two together, Matt celebrated his 30th birthday while we were down there. I of course wanted to do something special and probably pulled off my biggest surprise to date.
Every night we would see these Kukoo Kunuku party buses whizzing by in a blur of loud drunkenness. Matt and I laughed at them as our vacation was the exact opposite including nice meals and relaxing on the beach. Plus there were always people hanging out the windows shaking maracas. I think he was eagerly awaiting to hear about my plans for his 30th and I acted like I again let the cat out of the bag and told him I booked us a first class ticket on the Kukoo Kunuku party bus. He was devastated. This was not Matt's ideal birthday celebration and he quickly started pouting and demanded to know why I had done this for his birthday celebration. It would have been more hilarious if I kept it going until we were waiting for the bus to pick us up. But I let the cat out of the bag for real and shared the real plans which was a sunset cruise in the Caribbean. We had a wonderful cruise and enjoyed pizza at a local Aruban place afterwards. What I wouldn't give to be back in Aruba with him right now.
But I am not, I am here waiting to see how I handle this weekend and hoping that I can make it through without being pulled back into a slump. And also pissed off that Matt doesn't get to celebrate another birthday and enjoy a lot of the things he deserved in this life. Don't ever complain about another year on the calendar, celebrate it with all your being and be thankful you are here to take another breath.
I think the hardest part of this process is anticipating and analyzing every single situation. Life used to come and go so easily. I constantly find myself preparing for events, thinking about how I am doing, and wondering what the next first will have in store. It's getting old, I just want to be. I know it will come someday for right now, I still need to plan for the storms and evaluate the damage.
In Aruba watching the Packers game... Go Pack!
Lounging on the Sunset Cruise!
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