I was feeling odd about posting this (as you will read later it is putting the negative out there which I generally shy away from) but in honor of the 400th view of my blog....here it is. Someone is actually out there reading this! Who?! Here goes.
Sometimes I think I am doing a disservice to myself; coming forward with a generally happy positive disposition, portraying that I am strong and can power through, posting under my alter ego on Facebook as Zumbamel with all the positive thoughts and inspirational quotes that I can find, bouncing around from Zumba class to yoga class, sharing with others that I am okay! But I am not okay. I mean I am okay, I am not ready to stand at the edge of the Sears (still won't call it Willis) Tower. But really, my husband passed away just over 5 almost 6 months ago from brain cancer. I was his caregiver for the last few months of his life and saw things that no 30 year old women should ever have to deal with. My grief journey is quite frankly in full swing with no end in sight and nothing getting easier.
The truth about yesterday is that I cried from about 2pm to 6pm on and off, until I had a glass of wine and set off to my hair appointment. Again, don't get all worried, it's a normal part of grief. First, I saw my coworker get flowers on her anniversary and realized I wouldn't ever be getting flowers from Matt and quietly cried at my desk. The bouquet looked similar to one he had sent me for Sweetest Day when we first started dating. The only year that Sweetest Day was recognized ;)
Then I started crying on the train home as I watched the city pass me by. How the hell did my life turn out like this? Is this my reality? I want it all back. I am busy trying to plan the next phase of my life but in reality, I don't want to! I want to be planning my life with my husband in the condo that we bought together to build our life. So I cried on and off for the rest of the train ride thankfully hiding behind my trendy pair of Ray Bans.
I got home and took Miss Lila to the dog park. The dog park is an intense little space of emotions for me. Seeing Lila running, playing, watching out for me makes me happy, but this was Matt's place. Most people at the park know Lila as Matt's dog and are confused when they see me with her. So I cried again at the dog park. Why didn't I go to the dog park more with Matt? I sat on the bench in the back again thanking Ray Ban for their ever stylish tear hiders.
So am I doing myself a disservice? The other day a friend called and asked me how I was doing. I gave my usual response and said good/fine. Then I thought, why did I just say that? I am not fine! It's hard to let the negative out, to let others know that you aren't fine. I can't see myself posting on Facebook that I am wrapped in a ball crying in bed, so maybe I will start small and the next time someone asks me, how are you doing? I will let them in on a bit of my reality.
And to again tie this into lessons from the yoga mat. I went to a morning yoga class and started into my normal flow. My triceps had generally stopped hurting but once I got going... Ouch! They are not better. Basically, whenever I tried to clasp my hands behind my back, a surging pain would run through my tricep. So again, I modified. And just like the above situations, it was just something that triggered the pain. With a muscle, there is a little more science to why your arm hurts in a particular position but with grief, some things just hit you hard for no reason. Some hit you hard for various reasons. And sometimes you are just riding the train crying wondering what the hell happened to the live you loved and worked so hard to create.
Namaste,
Mel
Showing posts with label Caregiver. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Caregiver. Show all posts
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Zumba Convention 2012
It has been awhile since I posted, I have wanted to update but I have been busy and sometimes it takes so much time to get these thoughts out correctly! But mostly it was because I was at the Zumba Convention last week! I was busy packing up all my Zwear, dancing the day away, and now buzzing around with all that positive energy. It was an amazing experience to say the least and I can't wait to share this with you!
As I state in my Bio, I am not only a Yoga lover but a Zumba lover. They are very different formats but very similar at the same time. I adore them both because they allow me to escape my thoughts. I was certified in September 2010 and secured my first class at DePaul Fitness Center in January 2011. I have been teaching there ever since and teach at a couple of other facilities as well. I continued to teach while Matt was very ill. Family and friends were gracious enough to come provide me relief so I could get out and teach my classes. I can't put into words how much this meant to me and how much it helped me during this time. The great thing about teaching is that it forces you to live in that very single moment. If you start thinking about your to do list, picking up the groceries, or any of the other ten million things running through your mind... you miss your cues and moves. Then soon enough a class of 40 people are marching in place not having any fun wondering what the heck happend to their fun Zumba moves? And anything that forces me to live in the present moment, I am down with. And isn't that the goal of yoga as well?
Way back in late March (or at least it feels like eons ago), as I was sitting in a Adirondack chair at the ashram, I perused the Convention website and thought why not? Seems like a it could be a good adventure. This was a completely new thought to me as I had said previously, "Hanging out with thousands of screaming women is not my idea of a vacation! I prefer to vacation with my hubby on the beach."
This made the whole excitement of the convention a bit of a mixed bag for me. I would NEVER be going to this convention had Matt not passed away. It's the point in grief where you can feel yourself starting to to find happiness in something. Then you feel bad. You realize this happiness wouldn't have existed had your loved one been there. What a strange miserable feeling to ruin a good moment. The night before I left, I was high strung to say the least. All the excitement and the weird emotions... I was amped up. I feel this anytime I travel somewhere. Totally excited yet totally depressed and scared. The next morning as I traveled to Orlando I kept thinking to myself, "I feel like I am going to puke up a rainbow." Kind of a weird expression but makes sense if you have ever attended any Zumba event.
I made it safely to Orland and immeaditly feel in love with the convention. I was so busy going to different classes, meeting people, Zumba-ing, having a drink by the pool that I didn't overanyalyze my life for the next three days! Priceless. Amongst the chaos I still found time to chill by the pool, read a book, and watch TV in my king sized bed. I journaled as well but my analysis of my emotions seemed confined to that space. I did still find myself thinking, I can't wait to tell Matt all about this. Wow, would he have loved the stories, the pictures, and the characters. Matt never Zumba-ed himself but he was proud of me and I think proud to say he was married to a Zumba Instructor.!And he really loved when I started turning a profit (even including all my Zwear and Lululemon expenses)!
The other great thing about the Zumba convention, no one needed to know my story. I was there because I loved Zumba, as was everyone. No more questions to be asked. Being away from home, a shrine to my old life was also great. Going back to a space that wasn't so charged with emotions was very relaxing.
All of these things and the wonderful amazing people I met made for an amazing convention. One that I am so grateful for. There was SO MUCH positive energy. I have been bouncing around all week trying to figure out how I can bottle it up and keep it going. I keep telling myself, Rome wasn't built in a day, I can't become the best Zumba Instructor overnight! I also keep telling myself, do what makes you happy. And make time for those things that make you happy.
As I shared, I would have never done this given different circumstances, it's hard to realize that you are enjoying something that you never would have experienced if your loved one was here. My first option is no longer available. What I thought my life would like at 30 just isn't that. I have to deal with that and I did that this past weekend. I had fun and didn't feel guilty about it. I am so proud of myself. I will go on to have happy moments again that are carefree and joyful.
Check out some of the highlight pics below and here comes my shameless plug... Shape is having an Inspirational Zumba Instructor Search.... vote for your fav Instructor (wink wink) here.... http://www.shape.com/vote-zumba/instructors-list. Till next time Peace, Love, & Zumba!
As I state in my Bio, I am not only a Yoga lover but a Zumba lover. They are very different formats but very similar at the same time. I adore them both because they allow me to escape my thoughts. I was certified in September 2010 and secured my first class at DePaul Fitness Center in January 2011. I have been teaching there ever since and teach at a couple of other facilities as well. I continued to teach while Matt was very ill. Family and friends were gracious enough to come provide me relief so I could get out and teach my classes. I can't put into words how much this meant to me and how much it helped me during this time. The great thing about teaching is that it forces you to live in that very single moment. If you start thinking about your to do list, picking up the groceries, or any of the other ten million things running through your mind... you miss your cues and moves. Then soon enough a class of 40 people are marching in place not having any fun wondering what the heck happend to their fun Zumba moves? And anything that forces me to live in the present moment, I am down with. And isn't that the goal of yoga as well?
Way back in late March (or at least it feels like eons ago), as I was sitting in a Adirondack chair at the ashram, I perused the Convention website and thought why not? Seems like a it could be a good adventure. This was a completely new thought to me as I had said previously, "Hanging out with thousands of screaming women is not my idea of a vacation! I prefer to vacation with my hubby on the beach."
This made the whole excitement of the convention a bit of a mixed bag for me. I would NEVER be going to this convention had Matt not passed away. It's the point in grief where you can feel yourself starting to to find happiness in something. Then you feel bad. You realize this happiness wouldn't have existed had your loved one been there. What a strange miserable feeling to ruin a good moment. The night before I left, I was high strung to say the least. All the excitement and the weird emotions... I was amped up. I feel this anytime I travel somewhere. Totally excited yet totally depressed and scared. The next morning as I traveled to Orlando I kept thinking to myself, "I feel like I am going to puke up a rainbow." Kind of a weird expression but makes sense if you have ever attended any Zumba event.
I made it safely to Orland and immeaditly feel in love with the convention. I was so busy going to different classes, meeting people, Zumba-ing, having a drink by the pool that I didn't overanyalyze my life for the next three days! Priceless. Amongst the chaos I still found time to chill by the pool, read a book, and watch TV in my king sized bed. I journaled as well but my analysis of my emotions seemed confined to that space. I did still find myself thinking, I can't wait to tell Matt all about this. Wow, would he have loved the stories, the pictures, and the characters. Matt never Zumba-ed himself but he was proud of me and I think proud to say he was married to a Zumba Instructor.!And he really loved when I started turning a profit (even including all my Zwear and Lululemon expenses)!
The other great thing about the Zumba convention, no one needed to know my story. I was there because I loved Zumba, as was everyone. No more questions to be asked. Being away from home, a shrine to my old life was also great. Going back to a space that wasn't so charged with emotions was very relaxing.
All of these things and the wonderful amazing people I met made for an amazing convention. One that I am so grateful for. There was SO MUCH positive energy. I have been bouncing around all week trying to figure out how I can bottle it up and keep it going. I keep telling myself, Rome wasn't built in a day, I can't become the best Zumba Instructor overnight! I also keep telling myself, do what makes you happy. And make time for those things that make you happy.
As I shared, I would have never done this given different circumstances, it's hard to realize that you are enjoying something that you never would have experienced if your loved one was here. My first option is no longer available. What I thought my life would like at 30 just isn't that. I have to deal with that and I did that this past weekend. I had fun and didn't feel guilty about it. I am so proud of myself. I will go on to have happy moments again that are carefree and joyful.
Check out some of the highlight pics below and here comes my shameless plug... Shape is having an Inspirational Zumba Instructor Search.... vote for your fav Instructor (wink wink) here.... http://www.shape.com/vote-zumba/instructors-list. Till next time Peace, Love, & Zumba!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
The Widow's Book Corner - What Remains
As promised, I will start reviewing books that I have read recently. Mostly of them will be about grief but I am sure some yoga books will show up from time to time. And, if I find a fiction book that I like, I won't keep that to myself and will pass it along ;) I can promise no talk of the Fifty Shades of Gray. Yes I did read it but that's about all that needs to be said.
After Matt's death, I quickly went out searching for grief books, in particular books focused on younger widows. There aren't that many out there but amongst the few, there are some excellent reads. I have always been a person that fell back on books and used them to prepare myself for any of life's situations. I also love to read fiction books, I read a lot in the past year just to take me away from it all. I pretty much enjoy all books. I usually have one fiction and one self-help/informational book going at any given time. And my recent Kindle purchase has only added fuel to the fire. Before Matt and I bought a house I got a book to prepare myself called Buying a House and before we adopted Lila, I picked up a copy of The Only Dog Training Book You'll Ever Need. Matt would always laugh at my "preparation" books but was happy when I came to our closing ready to have an informed conversation and won Lila from two other adoption applicants after I told the Adoption Director about my positive training techniques. I always turn to books and this period of my life has been no different. There are a lot of grief books to sort through out there so hopefully this provides a quick reference for anyone looking for a book in their time of need.
What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship and Love by CaroleRadziwill
I LOVE the Real Housewives TV series on Bravo. I started with the original cast of Orange County and have followed them all since. It's my guilty pleasure and typically what I relax to in the evenings with a glass of wine. Matt couldn't stand the show and would leave the room entirely and just didn't understand how a bunch of woman bickering was enjoyable. But whatever, it is my football. Me and my girlfriends have spent many of hours having a laugh over this crazy cast of characters too. It's just plain old fashioned fun.
I was looking forward to a new season of the Real Housewives of New York City a couple of months ago. Bravo had rehauled the cast year for some new spice with three new housewives. Much to my surprise, there is now widow on the cast, Carole Radziwill. I thought she was a great addition; an easy going down to earth gal and couldn't wait to see how her character unfolded. And how wonderful to see that a young beautiful widow went on to live her life and enjoy it! During her intro, I learned that Carol wrote a book, I couldn't want to pick up a copy.
To give you a quick synopis; Carole was married to Anthony Radziwill in August 1994 after meeting him on the set of ABC where they both focused on news documentaries. Anothony was the nephew of Jackie O'Nasis Kennedy and cousin of John Kennedy Jr. He was also a Polish prince making Carole a princess. Carole was also best friends with Carolyn Bessette. She was caring for Anthony who was near the end of his long battle with cancer in Martha's Vineyard, waiting for John and Carolyn to arrive when their plane fell into the Atlantic Ocean. Anthony passed away about 3 weeks later in August 1999 at the age of 40.
I eagerly delved into her book and it didn't let me down. The most relateble piece of the book was Carol's care giving role in her husband's life. Most of the blogs/books of young widows that I find, the husband's death was typically a sudden event. There are a lot of the same issues but it can be very different at the same time. I related to Carol and sometimes had to stop reading the book just to take it all in. To realize that I am not a total nut job and someone else had the same exact feelings! Or to stop the tears from rolling down my cheek on the El as I relived some of these feelings.
One of the other similarities that I associated with, was that Carol's husband was diagnosed with cancer prior to their engagement which was the case with Matt and myself. Carol shares of her relationship, "But cancer showed up like an unplanned pregnancy and completely defined who we were together."
How correct Carole is. Matt was diagnosed with brain cancer about 9 months after we started dating when I woke up in the middle of the night to him having a seizure. We went on to be together for 75 more months of living with this beast. Now I can see it ruled our lives, even if we wouldn't admit it. I am so angry about that, it's simply not fair. We didn't have the time we deserved to be young, carefree, and in love. I also look at those 9 months and think, damn those were good. Those 9 months, 270 days of carefree living were amazing, they carried us through.
A friend once asked me, didn't you consider what the impact was of marrying a man with cancer? Nope, never even crossed my mind. I loved Matt and wanted to marry him. Nothing was holding me back.
Another thing I identified with Carole was not realizing it was the end until it really really was. I mean I knew it but then you can't really ever know it or prepare yourself. Then it just sneaks up on you, your life is completely unrecognizable and you don't have the chance to brace yourself for what is about to happen. I am sure some looked at me and thought, how could you not know? My answer, you simply can't live there. Especially when you are 29 years old. You can't fathom it. You can't know it until it's there and you always have to hold onto the hope.
I really enjoyed reading this book despite reliving some very intense moments of the past year. It was nice to relate to someone who was a caregiver at such a young age. The one thing I would have wished to hear about... Carole's journey afterwards. How she healed and recovered from it. She shares some bits and pieces on the show but I would like to know more, how she lived through to come out to the other side and be happy. She also mentions her husband frequently on the show, which is even more promising, going on to be happy and still hold the love and memory in your heart. During the show, Carole shares she working on another book, this time a fiction novel called The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating. She is also in talks to make this show a sitcom with the director/producer of Sex in the City. Looking forward to reading/watching more from Carolre.
I emailed Carole a couple of weeks ago. I haven't heard back, don't really sit around wondering if I will. I just had to let her know what her being on the show has meant to me. And of course to offer to star in the sitcom or at least provide some stories of my journey. And to yell at her for stealing my Real Housesives of Chicago widow angle.
Overall Recommendation: I would recommend this book to anyone especially those who have been a caregiver to a spouse. Or to those that are a friend to someone who has had to care for their spouse with a terminal illness.
Happy Reading,
Melissa
After Matt's death, I quickly went out searching for grief books, in particular books focused on younger widows. There aren't that many out there but amongst the few, there are some excellent reads. I have always been a person that fell back on books and used them to prepare myself for any of life's situations. I also love to read fiction books, I read a lot in the past year just to take me away from it all. I pretty much enjoy all books. I usually have one fiction and one self-help/informational book going at any given time. And my recent Kindle purchase has only added fuel to the fire. Before Matt and I bought a house I got a book to prepare myself called Buying a House and before we adopted Lila, I picked up a copy of The Only Dog Training Book You'll Ever Need. Matt would always laugh at my "preparation" books but was happy when I came to our closing ready to have an informed conversation and won Lila from two other adoption applicants after I told the Adoption Director about my positive training techniques. I always turn to books and this period of my life has been no different. There are a lot of grief books to sort through out there so hopefully this provides a quick reference for anyone looking for a book in their time of need.
What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship and Love by CaroleRadziwill
I LOVE the Real Housewives TV series on Bravo. I started with the original cast of Orange County and have followed them all since. It's my guilty pleasure and typically what I relax to in the evenings with a glass of wine. Matt couldn't stand the show and would leave the room entirely and just didn't understand how a bunch of woman bickering was enjoyable. But whatever, it is my football. Me and my girlfriends have spent many of hours having a laugh over this crazy cast of characters too. It's just plain old fashioned fun.
I was looking forward to a new season of the Real Housewives of New York City a couple of months ago. Bravo had rehauled the cast year for some new spice with three new housewives. Much to my surprise, there is now widow on the cast, Carole Radziwill. I thought she was a great addition; an easy going down to earth gal and couldn't wait to see how her character unfolded. And how wonderful to see that a young beautiful widow went on to live her life and enjoy it! During her intro, I learned that Carol wrote a book, I couldn't want to pick up a copy.
To give you a quick synopis; Carole was married to Anthony Radziwill in August 1994 after meeting him on the set of ABC where they both focused on news documentaries. Anothony was the nephew of Jackie O'Nasis Kennedy and cousin of John Kennedy Jr. He was also a Polish prince making Carole a princess. Carole was also best friends with Carolyn Bessette. She was caring for Anthony who was near the end of his long battle with cancer in Martha's Vineyard, waiting for John and Carolyn to arrive when their plane fell into the Atlantic Ocean. Anthony passed away about 3 weeks later in August 1999 at the age of 40.
I eagerly delved into her book and it didn't let me down. The most relateble piece of the book was Carol's care giving role in her husband's life. Most of the blogs/books of young widows that I find, the husband's death was typically a sudden event. There are a lot of the same issues but it can be very different at the same time. I related to Carol and sometimes had to stop reading the book just to take it all in. To realize that I am not a total nut job and someone else had the same exact feelings! Or to stop the tears from rolling down my cheek on the El as I relived some of these feelings.
One of the other similarities that I associated with, was that Carol's husband was diagnosed with cancer prior to their engagement which was the case with Matt and myself. Carol shares of her relationship, "But cancer showed up like an unplanned pregnancy and completely defined who we were together."
How correct Carole is. Matt was diagnosed with brain cancer about 9 months after we started dating when I woke up in the middle of the night to him having a seizure. We went on to be together for 75 more months of living with this beast. Now I can see it ruled our lives, even if we wouldn't admit it. I am so angry about that, it's simply not fair. We didn't have the time we deserved to be young, carefree, and in love. I also look at those 9 months and think, damn those were good. Those 9 months, 270 days of carefree living were amazing, they carried us through.
A friend once asked me, didn't you consider what the impact was of marrying a man with cancer? Nope, never even crossed my mind. I loved Matt and wanted to marry him. Nothing was holding me back.
Another thing I identified with Carole was not realizing it was the end until it really really was. I mean I knew it but then you can't really ever know it or prepare yourself. Then it just sneaks up on you, your life is completely unrecognizable and you don't have the chance to brace yourself for what is about to happen. I am sure some looked at me and thought, how could you not know? My answer, you simply can't live there. Especially when you are 29 years old. You can't fathom it. You can't know it until it's there and you always have to hold onto the hope.
I really enjoyed reading this book despite reliving some very intense moments of the past year. It was nice to relate to someone who was a caregiver at such a young age. The one thing I would have wished to hear about... Carole's journey afterwards. How she healed and recovered from it. She shares some bits and pieces on the show but I would like to know more, how she lived through to come out to the other side and be happy. She also mentions her husband frequently on the show, which is even more promising, going on to be happy and still hold the love and memory in your heart. During the show, Carole shares she working on another book, this time a fiction novel called The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating. She is also in talks to make this show a sitcom with the director/producer of Sex in the City. Looking forward to reading/watching more from Carolre.
I emailed Carole a couple of weeks ago. I haven't heard back, don't really sit around wondering if I will. I just had to let her know what her being on the show has meant to me. And of course to offer to star in the sitcom or at least provide some stories of my journey. And to yell at her for stealing my Real Housesives of Chicago widow angle.
Overall Recommendation: I would recommend this book to anyone especially those who have been a caregiver to a spouse. Or to those that are a friend to someone who has had to care for their spouse with a terminal illness.
Happy Reading,
Melissa
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