Friday, July 20, 2012

This just sucks

Well, I have been trying to think of some quirky yoga comparison to what I have been feeling the past week and don't think there really is one. I haven't felt that great since my anniversary last week. I feel like I have been dropped kicked back in the grief timeline. Just when you thought you were feeling better...

But every book I have read, says that these up and downs are normal. The grief journey has been compared to a spiral staircase and for me, that's what I identify with the most. When people ask me how I am doing my general response is, "I am taking moment by moment." Typically you hear this phrase by daily increments but when you are grieving, a day is simply too long of a time frame to comprehend.

I am in a support group for widows/widowers and in the last session, the moderator asked us, "have you had any good days?" Most everyone stared into space at this question  trying to search for something to say. When the moderator looked at me, I shared that I have had some not so terrible days. It feels like the last 4 months are a blob of days. All the same, marching along, not a lot of differentiating factors. There are some bright days among those; laying in my beach hut at the ashram, days in Hawaii, celebrating a friend's Bday enjoying the sunset on Lake Michigan, and my Bday with a yoga class full of friends. But even these days were filled with their sad moments. This is what needs to be accepted, there will be sad moments so just feel those and there will be happy moments so just enjoy those.

I recently read a blog by a woman who had lost her Mother at a young age. Chelsea Roff states, "Sometimes, I think, suffering is just that: suffering. Sometimes, there's no pretty bow to tie around a tragedy, nothing beautiful or glorious about the grotesque.” She goes on to share that she doesn't look at God as a Puppeteer, making our loved ones ill with cancer only to teach us a lesson. Why would God do that? I remember as a kid thinking of God sitting on a cloud with a giant remote control, pushing a button to make things happen in our life. But now I know that's not true. I know that I will move on to meaningful positive outcomes from this experience but right now it sucks. Right now quite frankly thinking of any of the positive outcomes of it make me think, really? How could anything good from Matt suffering and not being here with me?

It just sucks. I am enduring the sadness hoping for some happier moments. That's all there is to it for now. No yoga strap to tie around it all.


No comments:

Post a Comment