For those of you that are participating in the blog hop and don't know me, I have moved on from the home that Matt and I shared in Chicago to travel and move out to San Diego. I am currently en route setting off from Arkansas to end in Texas today. As I continue my drive out west, I realize I haven't mentioned Matt's name in my last few posts. It's not that I don't think of him. In fact, every night before I go to sleep, I remember what it was like to have Matt snuggle me. Or I see something and can't wait to tell Matt about it (yes still this happens) But my life has taken a very very different turn. My life has moved so far from what I shared with Matt, that it's hard to see him in the day to day business as usual. In all honesty, my life in the past month was more like my high school self, living with my grandma and hanging with my childhood friends however I am well on my way to carving out the next chapter.
Does this make me feel; bad, graceful, weird, happy, regretful, excited, selfish, grateful, and crazy all at once...yes. But it is what it is. Our life seems so long ago now, the awful year of firsts is behind me. This time last year I was already on my healing journey. Being able to look back one year ago and not think of where you were together albeit sad makes life easier. Sure at any moment in time I could pick up the wedding album or listen to old voicemails but I don't. When you know it is going to cause pain and hurt, why would you do it? And I think I am moving forward in a way that honors Matt and makes him proud, really that's all I can do.
Who knows how I will feel when I arrive on the coast miles and miles away even further from our life. For now it's easier to drive away from the life that I once knew simply because it's not as painful. Not that I didn't love that life but that life is no longer an option and I am just working with what I have got.
lila enjoying the creek