Wednesday, June 5, 2013

on the road again

I am waking up this first wednesday of June excited to not only continue my journey out west but to also participate in my first ever widow blog hop. For those of you that are new to blog hops, the basic idea is to check out everyone's blog and share what you have to say. As cliche as it may sound, I have realized over the past year how important it is to just have someone who understands where you are coming from. As I start my life in San Diego, I have already joined a support group and will be attending Camp Widow West to meet additional widows and widowers. If you are interested in checking out the blog hop, check out the blog list here...

For those of you that are participating in the blog hop and don't know me, I have moved on from the home that Matt and I shared in Chicago to travel and move out to San Diego. I am currently en route setting off from Arkansas to end in Texas today. As I continue my drive out west, I realize I haven't mentioned Matt's name in my last few posts. It's not that I don't think of him. In fact, every night before I go to sleep, I remember what it was like to have Matt snuggle me. Or I see something and can't wait to tell Matt about it (yes still this happens) But my life has taken a very very different turn. My life has moved so far from what I shared with Matt, that it's hard to see him in the day to day business as usual. In all honesty, my life in the past month was more like my high school self, living with my grandma and hanging with my childhood friends however I am well on my way to carving out the next chapter.

Does this make me feel; bad, graceful, weird, happy, regretful, excited, selfish, grateful, and crazy all at once...yes. But it is what it is. Our life seems so long ago now, the awful year of firsts is behind me. This time last year I was already on my healing journey. Being able to look back one year ago and not think of where you were together albeit sad makes life easier. Sure at any moment in time I could pick up the wedding album or listen to old voicemails but I don't. When you know it is going to cause pain and hurt, why would you do it? And I think I am moving forward in a way that honors Matt and makes him proud,  really that's all I can do. 

Who knows how I will feel when I arrive on the coast miles and miles away even further from our life. For now it's easier to drive away from the life that I once knew simply because it's not as painful. Not that I didn't love that life but that life is no longer an option and I am just working with what I have got. 

lila enjoying the creek




  1. Melissa,
    Welcome to the blog hop! I am glad to see another yogi in the mix. You are far more experienced, but I noticed how much my recent introduction into yoga centered my grieving nearly 3 years ago. Welcome!!

  2. Welcome to the hop. We are happy you are here with us. We are all at different stages in our "widowhood". The first year is tough and it does feel good to move forward. I like that you describe it as several emotions, because it really is. I don't know how I managed so many emotions at once, but we do it. One comment you made about listening to old voicemails, etc and why would someone do that...I had to laugh a little. I did that quite often. I knew it was not going to make me feel good, but there were times when I felt emotionless...dead. I wanted to feel any sort of emotion to feel life again.

  3. Welcome to the blog hop Melissa --- so sorry you're here! Your story and travels are pretty amazing. I am so glad you will get to be a part of Camp Widow. ~ Chris (Widow Island)