be kind

i saw this quote recently and felt it's truth. sometimes in the most delusional days of caregiving/grieving... i would wonder as i walked down the street, "does anyone know what is happening to me at this very moment". it was hard to realize that life was continuing on for people even though it seemed it was impossible. 

last week i finally started teaching at a new studio, Reach Yoga. if you don't know i became a 200 hour yoga certified just a year ago now but haven't started teaching any weekly classes. i was grateful to pick up two classes a week and teach a slow vinyasa to students new to yoga. today was my second class and i am remembering just how much i love teaching. i have still been teaching Zumba on a pretty weekly basis after hours at a San Diego County office but it feels good to finally share this love of mine with students. already i have learned so much and can't wait to continue to instruct my students through new flows. today as i ran along the Pacific (also training for a half marathon!) i hoped that i helped someone's life with yoga earlier that day. then i envisioned someone rushing towards me for hugs at the end of class thanking me for changing their life. but then i remembered this quote. i remembered a Zumba student approaching me after class one day because her sister was battling cancer and this gave her an hour of relief. you just don't know. she salsaed around that room with the best of them. i had no idea through her zumbaed out grin that she too was battling the cancer beast. so as i ran i thought of this quote and how true it really is. you never know when you are teaching someone something either positive or negative so just do your best always. or at least try to do your best, that's all you can do. 

namaste

the widowed yogi 

Happy Friday!

Yesterday I was grouchy for no good reason despite a red wine hangover and a clogged garbage disposal. Really nothing in the grand scheme of life but I just couldn't shake the cranks. But today is a new day! Sometimes you just have to wake up and say today is going to be different, today will be a good day! And with plans for lunchtime yoga today, a doggie playdate brunch tomorrow morn, and closing out Saturday with the Kings of Leon concert... there is much to look forward to! Have a wonderful weekend! 

the Widowed Yogi

2 Years Passed

It's simply unbelievable but it has been 2 years since Matt's passing. So much has changed. So much has happened. My life is completely unrecognizable from what it was two years ago. I made it through the day okay and it was generally a good weekend although it always seemed a bit off. Friday night, I hung out in my hood with an old friend and some new and probably had a few too many drinks to cope with the kick off of the weekend. Saturday I slept in and finally woke to wander around OB with Lila for coffee and a bagel by the water. Later, I biked to PB to meet friends at the beach and enjoy a cocktail overlooking the Pacific. Matt would have loved this, he was really one that got me on two wheels biking around the city. I pedaled home to rest Saturday night with some bad reality TV and made it another late morning. A friend came over in the afternoon as we had planned to get tattoos to commemorate the day. I wanted an infinity symbol with Matt's/our initials. So off I went to take in some permeant pain on my foot to hopefully immortalize my love for him.

Like I said, I felt off all weekend and was just tired. The overwhelming feeling was guilt about being happy. I know, I know, he would want me to be happy but it's still a feeling that I have to go through. Mostly I think, I was just frustrated from feeling this way. I mean, I worked so hard to get here, to get to this place of peace. It didn't come to me, I did everything I was supposed to do and more. And here I am happy but feeling guilty for it. How could I be when all this happened? When he isn't here and he didn't have this chance to enjoy life. Then the irritation for being made to feel guilty of my hard work. So anyways, it's a complicated sense of emotions. And by Sunday night with the time change throwing me further off, I was ready for bed and ready for a new week of hope in my little beach bungalow.

 biking into the sunset

me before the pain and the final product

namaste

Melissa 

when doctors don't know it all

i recently came across a blog from a fellow yogi describing her journey with a hip replacement. this blogger, Amy Brown, was an active woman who taught both yoga and spinning. she even quit her full time gig to open a yoga studio (kind of my dream). a few months later, after experiencing some odd pains in her hip area which had been replaced in 2007, she visited her doctor who after many tests concluded that her hip replacement was causing issues. it was basically leaking toxins into her body and she had to get it replaced ASAP. they moved forward with the operation and Amy began her second road to recovery. the road to her recovery has been longer than expected and she continues at 19 months out on her journey. read her inspiring tale in full here.

i thought i would share this as it's another tale of a yogi trying to incorporate poses into their healing journey. i think the tough part about this story is realizing that something that doctors said would help Amy has done the exact opposite. in our western world, we grow up believing that doctors are here to fix us and they know everything. but that just isn't the truth, it's up to us to get the full story. western medicine is just part of it. during my healing journey, all too many doctors were ready to write me off clinically depressed and give me some pills to fix it all. i recall a doctor going through the "depression list" questions and me answering "yes" to pretty much all of them except with the disclaimer "but my husband just died and i'm not even thirty". she didn't like my excuse and wrote me off with a prescription anti-depressant. who knows what would have happened if i took her medical advice, i might be battling the struggle of coming off of them now. thankfully i listened to my gut and stuck with therapy and yoga. everyone has to find their own path on the road to recovery hopefully with a little insight from all the doctors of the world, yogis included!

namaste

Melissa

om sweet om

well i have been promising this post for awhile and here it is! pics of my newly decorated place. with this being my third move of stuff after losing matt, i continue to sift through the things that i keep. it's not that i am getting rid of stuff but after time you just realize that keeping a ratty old tshirt doesn't help but then there are some ratty tshirts you can't ever get rid of. it felt a little like i just picked up my old decor from chicago and deposited it in san diego. it was time to make some changes and learn how to incorporate the new and the old...

come on in... lamp from West Elm and table from Home Goods 

have a seat! the picture wall took awhile... most frames from Home Goods... picture bought in Door County on matt and i's mini-moon 

tv area... had a stud to find some studs and hang it for me... laterns and clock from Home Goods...lamp from Ikea... old entertainment console originally bought at Pottery Barn

bar table made by great uncle in Newfoundland... pictures from my various wine tasting adventures... wine glass tin wall hanging from antique shop

who wouldn't want to have their breakfast in this little nook? white table and chairs from West Elm bought at last place... new turquoise chair from Ikea... mirrors have been traveling me from about 10 addresses ago originally from Crate and Barrel

tray and frame from Home Goods... succulents from West Elm.. bottles from assorted places including my kitchen and antique stores... Cadbury Eggs for Easter treats!

 you saw pics of this in my last place... much bigger bedroom to spread out but did get the lamp from Ikea... lila loves basking in the morning sun in here

 same bedding from last place...hung a couple of prints... pic on the left bought at Madison Art Fair at the Capital... matt surprised me once and had it professionally framed... other print bought at Point Loma lighthouse on my first trip to SD

 just luv this Home Goods find

 if you follow me on Instagram you saw pics of this a little neater but just wanted to show where i keep some more pics of matt... its a good place to put them when i want to see his smiling face 

 beachy bathroom...shells handpicked on a morning beach walk with lila

 step into my office...

 buddah statue on top of my antique bookshelf...many sacred things on here including mala beads from Bali and matt's ashes

lila's corner office... under papa's galaxy print that one of his friend's painted... leaning tower of pisa bookshelf from CB2... lamp from Ikea... chalkboard sticker strips going away present from a friend (such a fun idea esp. when guests leave msgs)

and my corner of the office... desk from Ikea...yep i actually sit on that balance ball chair ... Miami art a gift...Badgers pennant i gave to matt...Wisconsin old school program from a program calendar i also gave Matt...luv the red/blue combo with Miami and Sconie stuff

so that's it! om sweet om! beach living is a little different but it's a perfect fit for me right now and i couldn't be happier that i took the time to decorate and reflect where i am at right now!

namaste

melissa