I have posted a lot about events, firsts, trips, and headstands and how these have impacted me. I don't think I have really discussed or could ever possibly emphasize enough the loneliness of being in this place. Perhaps I have in earlier rants but I am just feeling it so much right now that I have to dedicate a whole post to it. Losing your best friend through life is the worst part of this whole process.
The past two weekends were full of celebrating including a friend's birthday , a wedding, and the holidays. All were good fun with plenty of friends and laughs but I missed Matt. I missed my date through life. I missed walking into the party with him... I missed talking to him at the party... I missed laughing about it the next day. Please don't take this to mean I am one of the those namby pamby women that can't go places without someone by her side, I am pretty independent woman and going by myself isn't the issue...but Matt, Matt I want by my side.
On Sunday, the loneliness was eating at me. I basically walked around in a panic all day because I missed him so much and because I couldn't find my old Iphone which has tons of messages from Matt on it. It's so hard to go from sharing your life explicitly with someone to not. You come home everyday to tell the person what happened to you. I love to talk and tell a good a story so our evenings were typically spent discussing the day over dinner or TV. Sometimes I can't help but hang my head when I come home to see my place dim under the street lamps the warm glow of Matt inside with the lights on gone. Thankfully, I have family members that talk to me on pretty much a daily basis.... my three leading ladies; my aunt, my mom, and my grandma. They pretty much pick up the phone at anytime and always call me back. They have certainly helped to put my "I need to tell someone this energy" somewhere. As you can guess, it's not quite the same.
In marriage, you are signing up for someone to become your life partner, your lives become quickly intertwined. Your day and your happiness is theirs and it all becomes one. It's the little things that you share on a day to day basis that are fun, sad, silly, stupid, your life. I miss it so much. I miss telling Matt everything. I STILL have things happen in my life and can't want to tell him. Honestly, these usually aren't big things... telling him that I saw the crazy guy at the dog park, that I got a free Potbelly sandwich, that I saw his buddy on the train. Of course there are the big things that I miss sharing too; that I had to have another laser treatment on my foot, that I turned 30, that I did a headstand.
I miss him so much right now, its palpable (line stolen from Carrie Bradshaw). Like I said, all the celebrating hit me hard compiled with the holidays and the overall grief of the country, it's too much. The days are getting longer for me filled with lots of ups and downs and general exhaustion by bedtime. I am excited about my new life plans but I am tired of scheming. I have been agonizing over renting this condo so all can go as planned. I want to be talking about our plans for Christmas discussing what time we will take off on Saturday... not deciding when I will leave to trek across the country and move from our home... talking about when we will start trying to have kids not dreaming up the best way to start over.
I have been reading a book a dear friend gave to me, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron and for the day I leave you with two paragraphs from her book although I highly recommend reading her book in particular the chapter on loneliness. I will certainly be working on this over the holiday season...
"Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It's restless and pregnant and hot with desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down."
"When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this."