Things are definitely changing. The good days are outnumbering the bad and when I fall into a slump I can usually pull out of it more quickly and without as much turmoil. This may also be due in part to the way that I am living. Without the daily worries of maintaining a home and going to work, life can be a lot less stressful. Or perhaps it's due to my new perspective and realizing that this too shall pass. Being in different surroundings has also helped. I don't think I knew just how hard it was to live in our home until I moved out. There a lot of things at play who knows which is helping and which is not, I am just thankful that it's working.
The trip didn't magically turn me into a new person without grief and I certainly still think of Matt often. Yesterday I walked by a sports shop with a sale and thought I should stop in to see if they had any of his team stuff on discount. Yep, this still happens. These thoughts are few and far between but it still happens and it still hurts when I realize that I don't need to buy anymore Wisconsin gear. Yesterday I had a bad dream or nightmare really with Matt in it. I don't want to go into the details as it upsets me. I do know that I somehow willed myself to go back to sleep to try to change the outcome of the nightmare. When I finally woke, I wrote the dream down as quickly as possible to get it out of my head and away from me forever.
So Matt and the loss is still very much a part of my everyday life. Do I sit around crying all the time? No. This probably wasn't ever my way of dealing but the crying in general has subsided. The grief has transformed into a part of me. It's every where I go and in everything I do. Starting my practice in Bali every morning thanking Matt has really helped me. I am feeling much better on a daily basis but as a widow, I feel bad for that. I know what you are going to say, don't feel bad you have every right to go on and live a full and happy life. I know that. I damn well know that but ask any widow and they know this feeling. The feeling that when you are driving down the street with the windows down the sun pouring in thinking, wow this is a great moment, I am in a good place. And then it hits you. You fool! You can't be in a good place because he isn't here. So I am working through this. There is no way to get rid of it, it just is. The fact that I dedicated my days in Bali and that I now dedicate how I am going forward with my yoga practice, my blog, my writing, my life, my perspective helps a lot.
So again, I thank you Matt for allowing me to become the person that I am right now because I wouldn't be here without you. I only wish you could see the person I am today minus the green smoothies you would hate that.