Almost on to the 4th Leg of the Journey!

I posted some pictures to document my time in Sydney a few days ago... as you can probably guess... I am on the go during this trip. I wanted to have time to think, examine, and understand what was going on in my life as I transition into a new stage of but I have been too busy living life to think about it all. Isn't that what this is all about?  

I have had a little bit of time to think in between eating, drinking, and sightseeing and have certainly thought about a few key things but haven't had a lot of time to document them. First of all, I miss Matt. This is everywhere I go. I might not think about it every single moment but life is better with him by my side and I miss traveling with him. A few moments when this really hit me... laying in bed after a long day of sight seeing, visiting with his best friend and his wife when he should be with us, on the wine tour today when we would have mingled with everyone, and many more. 

Visiting with one of his best buds was so nice, sharing our beloved stories, being able to talk about him on such a level, looking through pictures reminiscing about good times. Sharing stories of your loved one lost is vital to this process. I am so thankful that his friend opened his home to me and I was able to enjoy Bondi Beach with him and his wife. You are always welcome in San Diego or wherever I live for that matter! Namaste!

While I missed Matt so much at times, there were times that I just enjoyed life without thoughts of this or that or what I have gone through. The transition is happening and I am moving into the next stage of my life. I miss him greatly and will forever hold that in my heart but it's changing. Tomorrow marks the beginning of March and on the 9th it will be one year. Can't believe it... seems all so far away. On to Bali tomorrow. 

melbourne from the Riverfront bar

melbourne means lots of alleyways and lots of graffiti... i almost blend in!

me and my traveling mate, Kate, another A-town friend of Matt's on a wine tour of the yarra valley

literally swimming in bubbles!

a view of the yarra valley

my fav from the yarra... sparkling pinot shiraz from moet

city lites from a rooftop bar

another view of the yarra from chandon... cheers mate!

Namaste

Melissa 

Hello Eastern Hemisphere!

I have arrived in the Eastern Hemisphere and it is amazing! My gracious hosts picked me up from the airport after the 14 hour flight early on Tuesday morning (yep you leap forward a day when you head down under). It was a beautiful day in Sydney and we quickly got out to enjoy it. They live about a five minute walk from Bondi Beach and it's breathtaking. Not only is the beach close there are tons of fabulous shops, restaurants, and bars within a few steps. We enjoyed lunch with mimosas at a cafe overlooking the beach and then headed to the beach for a couple of hours. Of course my midwest skin got burnt as the sun is intense down under especially since there is no Ozone layer. I have got to be careful! After enjoying the beach we enjoyed some wine and headed to dinner at a Thai restaurant  which was a little more authentic than my go to, Penny's Noodle in Chicago. 

I tried to get on the time zone here and slept in until I headed to a yoga class by the sea. My first yoga class in the Eastern Hemishphere! Although I was already red, I had lathered up with my SPF and unrolled my mat in a gorgeous spot in the sun overlooking the Pacific. It was an invigorating flow class led by a knowledgeable teacher who encouraged us to breathe in the sea. At the end of class before savasana, she encouraged us to sigh everything out... to let out whatever had happened that day, that month, or that year. I sighed... a lot. As I tried to let go of everything that has happened to me in the past year, tears started rolling down my face. I only hope that this trip allows me to let it all go. Not to forget everything that happened but to let it go and allow my spirit to be lighter as I move into the next chapter of my life. 

View from Yoga Mat

Namaste

Melissa 

The Journey Has Begun! (Again)

The adventure has officially begun! As I write I am flying over the Pacific en route to Sydney! As always, I was busier than I thought and didn’t have a lot of time to write. Looking forward to some rest on the beach and time to gather my thoughts. I have been on this trip for a week and almost two days (depending on where I am in the Pacific and what time zone I am in) now and here’s what’s happened thus far…

My mom and I flew into San Diego last Saturday. We arrived to the sunny California weather and were eager to put the top down on our convertible. Most of the natives were complaining of the cold but my Mom and I were ecstatic about the warmer weather and enjoyed; running by the harbor, yoga on a rooftop, and of course driving with the top down.

I had set up many appointments to view apartments. I looked in many different areas and found a few great options. I will make the final decision of where to live and when to move once I get back in April. We also had time to enjoy some beautiful spots in SD including La Jolla and Coronado. There were plenty of delicious meals enjoyed as well.

I am so happy I stopped here first. To be honest, I was starting to wonder what the hell I was thinking; it’s a lot of work to move across the country! Once I got back to San Diego I knew why I had made this decision and I think it will be the perfect new home for me and Lila. It certainly won’t be easy reestablishing myself on the West Coast but I am confident it will be worth it in the end.

On Tuesday we headed up the coast to Los Angeles. I really wanted to drive up Highway 1 to enjoy the views. There were some specular views but the drive was very different than driving along Highway 1 between San Francisco and Big Sur where Matt and I got engaged which I hoped to relive. I know I will make it back to that spot someday. There was a long detour along the way to find In and Out Burger. Matt and I had almost missed our flight coming home from our engagement trip so In and Out frustration is now a definite tradition but worth it in the end.

My Mom and I arrived in LA a couple of days prior to the Zumba Conference and were able to take in some of the sights. The first night we dined at the restaurant of one of my favorite Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She wasn’t there but it was still fun to have dinner there and the food was excellent. The next day we took a Celebrity Homes Tour on an open air bus. This was of course extremely touristy which I usually shy away from but it was a blast! We drove through Hollywood Hills, the Sunset Strip, Beverly Hills, and Melrose Place. There were no celebrity sightings but I think I have a solid foundation that the next time I go to LA, I know where to find them! Although, the few times I have come across someone famous (including the creator of Zumbe, Beto), I usually see him/her and think well they are just a normal person trying to walk down the street, eat their croissant, or enjoy the day and chicken out about approaching them because I don’t like invading their privacy. After all they are just like us right? US Weekly has the photos to prove it!

After a day of sightseeing the Zumba Conference kicked off. On the first day I tested for my Aerobic Fitness Association of America certification. I had prepared well and the day of review was excellent so hopefully I will find out I passed in a month or so. The next day I took a training to become Zumba Gold certified which is Zumba for seniors, special populations, and those that are new to exercise. I took the training from the creators of the program and they along with a few other instructors were simply inspiring. The class met a woman who teaches in her wheelchair and would put many of us to shame with her moves. I also met a lovely woman who is battling cancer. I had to say something to her. I shared with her that Zumba had been such a blessing my life and had helped me as my husband battled cancer. She asked me how he was doing as my eyes teared up as I shared with her we had lost him last year. She gave me a hug and we chatted about making the most out of each day. This woman is living that and she had an amazing energy. Zumba seems like a silly crazy fitness phenomena but it is so much more to so many people and I am proud to be a part of an organization that has inspired and changed so many lives. I am even feeling inspired to bring this to the widow community and hopefully share how much fitness has helped me in this healing journey and hopefully get some widows moving!

The remaining days were filled with tons of Zumba;  everything from a Fitness Concert with Pitbull, Dancing through the Decades, a Hip Hop Remix, and more Zumba-ing in between. The keynote speaker was Suzanne Sommers (yep Chrissy Snow) and had a lot to share with us about how she has remained so healthy into her 60’s. The last day of convention left my Mom and I exhausted barely able to walk our serparte ways to our terminals. We were so lucky to take this trip together and I know we will remember it forever. I was also very thankful to have her with me as I looked at apartments.

I am feeling much the same as I did with my last post. I feel so removed from my life with Matt. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him but I don’t see him in every step as I moved through our life alone. I certainly wish we were crossing the Pacific together leaping into the future. As widows, we are constantly asking ourselves, is this what he would want me to do? Sometimes you just don’t know. Most likely because you never had to face this situation without him and you never really talked about it because that would have acknowledged it was happening. I know Matt would be happy that I am going to Australia to visit one of his best buds and he loved it down under especially since we planned to at some point take this trip together. The Bali part? He would probably think I was crazy but I think that was some of my charm to him. But then you realize that you are in this alone now and while you can use your spouse as a guiding force you have to make decisions that will make you happy. I am so happy I am making this trip and can’t wait to see what the next leg has in store!

Mom and I in La Jolla enjoying the beautiful weather 

Namaste,

Melissa 

New Year New Life

As you have read, the holidays weren't that great for me. I am glad that they are over and I am actually looking forward to New Year's Eve. I mean, new year, new life, new dress? Why wouldn't I be? 

I hate 2012 with most of my being although I have to say there were still many many good times. There is a saying that goes a little something like this; "things can't get any worse". I foolishly used this statement in a year known as 2010. I remember it crystal clear... I was sitting at a rehearsal for a friend's wedding who would be married the next day on New Years Eve. A friend and I were discussing life as Matt had walked down the aisle to take his seat. He had a huge scar on his head from his 2nd brain surgery. He had surgery only about a week and a half prior but the trooper that he was, healed quickly and still made it to all of our holiday plans. My grandfather had passed away only a few months prior. A lot had gone down in only a few months. I shared with my friend that I was looking forward to the New Year because really how could things get any worse? 

So as I stand at the end of 2012, I realize that although I suffered the greatest loss of my life yet, I still have much to be grateful for and things could always get worse since you just don't know what tomorrow brings. Sometimes I struggle with the fact that more bad things will happen to me. I know this sounds pretty depressing and I still sound like a fool in 2012. Really, what I mean is that when you have dealt with an incredible amount of hardship by the age of thirty, you think surely this is it for me! Or more simply I just can't take anymore! However, I know this isn't true because mainly life is impermanent with many many ups and downs especially when you put yourself out there in any sort of relationship. While 2012 was defined by a very giant down, there were certainly some ups as well. So below is my list of Top 10 accomplishments and moments of 2012 and I encourage everyone to do the same! 

1. Hawaii - I made the trip to Hawaii that I never imagined I would take by myself. I originally went with Matt to Hawaii when my grandfather took my whole family back in Spring of 2007. We loved it there and were happy to hear one of Matt's friends would be having his wedding there. We discussed attending this wedding many times together and I knew if it was possible, I would get him to that wedding. Unfortunately Matt did not make it to the wedding. I missed him greatly and it was tough but I am glad I went.  I also know that Matt was happy I went to celebrate with his friends in his place. 

2. Turning Thirty - Not that I had a choice with this one or it was really an accomplishment but I turned thirty this year. While I never thought I would be where I am at thirty, I think I am making the best of it. I embraced the day of celebration and found the perfect way to enter this new era of my life...  a hot yoga class with my friends and family followed of course by some boozy Popsicles!

3. Fixing Stuff - I still have the initial inclination to call the handyman but then I remember how expensive that is and I at least give the home repair a shot. Yesterday, I put my heavy glass shower door back on track. A month ago, I changed all the light bulbs in my house including the super tall one above my front door. I also learned that not only are those fluorescent light bulbs better for the environment, they mean less changing of the light bulbs!

4. Blog - I started this blog and love writing. Who knew I had it in me? During Matt's battle with cancer, I was always pretty private about it all. Expressing my feelings with many friends and family has helped me immensely. Blogs helped me in those early days of grief immensely. Hopefully this helped another young widow out there. Sometimes when you are suffering a loss, the best thing is simply to have someone to associate with. It's true, misery does love company. 

5. Headstand - I won't bore everyone again by going on more about this but remembering that I set this goal for myself last year (January 1, 2012) and achieved it makes me happy. Can't wait to go to class on New Year's Day and chill in headstand for 10 deep breaths! And today, I decided what my pose goal for 2013 is, Handstand! Got into it this morn with the help of the Instructor!

6. Zumba - Somehow during all of the commotion I still showed up for my students and taught with love and passion. Not only did I teach but I attended Convention which was life changing. Then I went on to host a Zumbathon with an outpouring of support from friends, family, and students. We were able to raise over $4000 to benefit the ABTA. I think one of the best moments happened to me just about a week ago when one of my students came up to chat after class. She shared with me that Zumba was a huge stress reliever to her as her sister battled breast cancer. Mission accomplished. 

7. Plan B - Despite my life plans being turned upside down, I created a new plan and found a way to look forward to each new day. I am so ready for this!

8. New friends - Loss and grief truly rock you to your core. It shakes up everything you thought to be true which includes relationships with friends, family, and co-workers. Some friends and family have simply stepped up to be by my side like I could have never imagined. I have made many new friendships that simply wouldn't have happened unless I was in this situation. I also know what types of relationships are healthy for me and which ones I want to maintain. Thank you... you know who you are! 

9. I am a Good Dog Mama - Matt did a lot of the caring for Lila. He fed her, walked her, and took her to the dog park everyday. However, he knew he would be stuck with this when we signed up to adopt Lila. I found myself in charge of all these responsibilities. I know, people do this everyday and Lila makes my life that much better, but nonetheless it was a change for me. At first, I would forget to buy dog food and would have to make a last minute run to the pet store for the expensive stuff but eventually I learned to just buy the bigger bag! Lila and I figured it out and she is a happy little dog. Lila is still a legend at Wigglyville but her Papa is still greatly missed there. 

10. I was a supportive wife that stood by my man. My marriage lasted till death did us part. 

Here's to a wonderful, amazing New Year... as with all years there will be some ups and some downs but hopefully we can all move through it gracefully and appreciate the downs for what they teach us and enjoy the ups with a smile on our faces!

Namaste,

Melissa 

My Plan B

I have been wanting to post this for quite some time now as I have been working on "Plan B" for awhile but I had to wait until a few more things were in place before I could. So here goes, my Plan B. 

The plan is to take some time off and eventually move out West. I love Chicago and it has been good to me but it will always be Matt and I's city in my heart. I met Matt about a month after I moved here and he helped me navigate the city at first which included numerous frantic calls wondering where I was and how do I get to where I am going. Then it became our home as we moved in together and eventually bought our first place and married. I could continue to live here and enjoy it but it's time for new surroundings and a change of energy. 

Eventually I plan to move to San Diego but not until I travel across the world for a couple of months. I will first head to San Diego to check out some places and then drive up to LA with my Mom to attend the LA Zumba Conference. From LA I will be flying to Australia to stay with one of Matt's best friends from Wisconsin and his lovely wife. Another friend from Appleton will be visiting while I am so it will be a trip down under Sconie style!  

After spending about two weeks there I am headed to Bali for a one month yoga teacher training. I will be staying in Ubud but I am sure I will be doing some traveling while I am in the training. I also have some time after the training to travel as well. 

Once I get back, I plan to make the journey out west and settle in San Diego. I am going to drive out there with Lila and I am looking forward to making stops across the nation. Matt once made the drive across our great country and I look forward to doing the same in his beloved Audi. 

As far as choosing San Diego? I have visited there a couple of times and always wondered, "why don't I live here?" The last trip Matt and I made together was to San Diego for a friend's wedding. Sitting on the beaches of SoCal with him are some very good memories and of course always hitting up In and Out Burger. One of my best friends from grade school lives there with her family and I can't wait to live in the same city as her again. A few of Matt's friends live there as well and hopefully they will invite me to a party or two ;)  

So that's it! I hatched this up many months ago and thought about it for awhile before putting the actual logistics in place. It's all set now, just need to rent out the condo so if you know of anyone looking for a 2 bed/2 bath in Chicago's north side, let me know!

Yep, it's a pretty great plan and I am allowing my heart take me where it wants. Having something to look forward to and organize has given me the gift of waking up excited about each new day again. I am so thankful that I have received so much support in discussing Plan B with family, friends, counselors, and co-workers. I am fortunate that no one has ever said, "are you crazy?" or "are you sure you want to do this?" because frankly, I have thought that a few times. I have been met with nothing but hope and excitement about this new adventure in life and for that I am truly grateful. However there has been a response that has made me cringe although I know it comes from a good place. Please don't say your jealous. I mean I get it... who doesn't want to quit their job to take off for warmer weather across the world? But I am only doing this because my Plan A, the life plan that I wanted and built with Matt didn't work out. I wanted the boring life of 1.5 kids and a picket fence but as we all know some of the best laid plans just don't happen. Right now, this feels to be the next best thing for me. So please share your excitement and your hope for me but please don't say your jealous because all I can think of is how much I had to go through to get to this plan. 

I simply can't wait to see where this takes me and I look forward to you taking this journey with me via blogspot. Heading out of the Windy City the last week of January... let the going away party planning begin! 

Namaste, 

Your Soon to be West Coast Widowed Certified Yogi 

Matt and I in San Diego August 2011