One Year Two Days and Counting

Yesterday or today marks one year based upon what time zone you are in. Leading up to this date I had spent quite a lot of time thinking about what day to observe this one year sad-aversary on. Since I had class on Saturday, I was really planning to observe this on Sunday so I could relax and let my heart take me where it wanted to on Sunday. In the end it has just felt like this date has extended over two days. Like the rest of the year, it's been a big giant blob of time. 

The night of March the 8th (Bali time) I found myself wanting to look through what I call my grieving tools which include old journals, calendars, and to do lists. I basically look through it all from the past couple of years to see where I was and what I was doing that particular day and the days leading up to it. I haven't had any of these tools since I moved but as you can guess I am fairing  fine without them. I think it gives me something to actively "do". Typically when I am hit with a grief wave, I feel like I want to do something to make it go away so having these tools gives me something to focus my attention on. The one tool I did have was music so I sat and listened to playlists that Matt had compiled for me.. deciphering their meanings with many tears shed. 

The next day I was feeling okay and headed off to class. As usual, it's good to keep the mind busy and I was content working on my practice and learning about the Yoga of Food until we started watching a film about how food can prevent and cure cancer. Although I agree with the majority of the information, I had to get up and leave the room for a minute, I felt like if I heard the word tumor or cancer one more time I was going to puke. I regrouped with some fresh air and headed back in to complete the day of coursework. I finished Saturday off with a relaxing Balinese massage and a healthy dinner at a vibrant local cafe. 

Sunday morning I woke up to lots of messages on Facebook which was heartwarming but sad at the same time. It was nice to hear from so many people being halfway across the world and could feel the love here in Bali. I again shed some tears before heading off to meet with a traditional Balinese Healer. 

I did not go to see the Healer from Eat Pray Love as I understand his prophecies have become a bit commercialized. This was a healer that the owners of my homestay use and were kind enough to share with me. We headed out early in the morning to be the first ones there. As we pulled up, it looked very similar to the one in the movie as it was a traditional Balinese compound which they also used in filming the movie. We waited for a moment before the Healer came out and told me to sit before him. I told him where I was from and he then told me to come sit right in front of him so he could conduct his tests. He pushed various spots on my head, neck and shoulders before asking me to lie down. I did as I was told and he soon started pushing on my toes naming various organs that those pressure points were responsible for. He then pushed on the pads of my toes and it hurt like heck! He told me it was because I worry too much that worrying was blocking my aura. He cleared my aura before again pressing my toes and it really did not hurt this time! He also asked if I was looking for something new... new boy new job? I said, yes, new life, and he told me I would now be happy well happier than I am. He shuffled back into the house to mix up an oil and instructed me to put on my back and neck. I felt lighter as I left and was pleased with the experience. I was really not sure of what to expect and I am still not sure of what happened. I am also not sure of what results to look for but I am all for anything that might clear my aura and make me happier! 

I got back to my homestay before heading out for a day at the beach. I headed with a classmate down to Sanur, a beach about 45 minutes away from Ubud. We lounged by the pool and it was a lovely day until I got back with my first Bali Burn. I put sunscreen on but I think the sun is just way too intense down here for me to handle for very long. Matt used to always tease me when I would lather up my legs with SPF saying your legs can never get burnt. Today the worst and most painful part of this Bali Burn are certainly my legs. I rounded the night out with a nice meal before heading in to get plenty of rest before another week of training. 

I am happy to have this two day sad-aversay come to a close and I felt that I have honored Matt in the best way possible today and more importantly in the past year. It is said that the first year is always the hardest and I agree the year of firsts has been difficult but only time will tell as to how I will fair in the next. I feel a lot of promise and excitement for this new era especially with a clean aura guiding me. For now, I pleased to have spent the weekend and year making Matt proud and showing him once and for all that your legs really can get sunburned. 

namaste

Melissa 

Bumming Around in Bali

I have arrived in Bali! My plane landed late on Friday afternoon and I made it relatively easily through the hustle and bustle of customs before finding my driver as we headed off to Ubud (he had a sign for me!). The drive did scare me a bit as I wondered what I had gotten myself into. I had flown into the capital city, Denpasar, and the town of Ubud which isn't that far away but with the hectic motorbike traffic took about an hour and a half. Bali is a small island nation but Ubud is about an hour north from the nearest coast As we drove between the cities, the side of the roads were littered with workers, food stands, stray dogs, and roosters.  

As I stared seeing signs for Ubud and realized we were on the outskirts of town a little relief passed through me as the surroundings improved. We drove onto Monkey Forest road noted by the Monkey Forest Sanctuary where my homestay is located. The driver stopped the car and informed me that this was it! A young boy came out to take my excessively heavy bag as we headed down a long alleyway. We passed many homestays and Ubud Dream was located almost at the end of the alleyway. He led me up some narrow stairs carrying the suitcase atop his head and showed me to my room. It is a simple basic room with high ceilings, a big bed, a hot shower, and fans. Most importantly it was clean, I can live here for a month! 

A homestay is a very popular place to stay in Bali. What exactly is it? It's basically the family compound with extra rooms that are rented out to travelers. I would place it in between a hostel and a hotel almost a bed and breakfast. You can hear the sounds of the family everyday and everyone helps out except for the little little ones. Breakfast is also provided. I am waiting for my second breakfast right now. There is also a little temple located on the compound and offerings are placed there everyday. Everyone makes these offerings. As you walk down the street every shop has these outside their door. Yesterday as I got a massage, I saw a girl craft the straw offerings for over an hour. Imagine Americans putting this much dedication into daily religious rituals! I can barely set aside then minutes a day to meditate.

As you can guess, it's pretty different here. Most people speak minimal English, enough to serve or sell you what they can to get by. As I walk down the street I am continually asked if I need a taxi or if I want spa services. Spa services are INSANELY cheap. I cluelessly had no idea about this hidden gem of Bail. We are talking one hour massages for about $10. I got a mani/pedi for $14. Food is also cheap. Yesterday I ate some fried rice, a couple of beers all for about $5. Last night I ate at what is probably one of the nicer restaurants and it was only $22 with a couple of drinks and a nice tuna steak. I am a millionaire here which basically means I took out $100 of the ATM as the conversion is slightly under 10,000 rupiah to an American dollar. It's led to some awkward math at cash registers to say the least. I am getting more used to the ridiculous conversion though. 

Another thing I immediately noticed are all the stray dogs which is recognized as a national issue. Given my love for dogs and especially Miss Lila, I was taken aback by how many there are. They usually look scraggly but some I thought were pets. They don't seem mean either and just go about their business frolicking along motorbikes and hanging outside their favorite shops. Yesterday, I saw the animal shelter rescue unit and I will probably stop in over the next month to see what I can do to help. I wonder how difficult it would be to adopt while I am here... I can only imagine what Lila would think if after being gone for two months I brought home another dog! 

The Balinese people are very sweet and good natured always greeting you with a smile. Sometimes conversations are hard to come by with the language barrier but I have had a few good ones already. The first restaurant I ate at the host who was tasked with inviting in passerbys sat at my table to chat for awhile. He shared with me his secret to health which is eating spicy food.. gets all the bad stuff out. I shared with him that I was staying for a month and he said that was good, I could follow my heart while I was here. He stated that so many visitors come to the island hoping to do everything in just a few days and miss out on the beauty of Bali, just relaxing! Another waitress asked me about my kindle and if it was a book I was reading. I let her look it over and she got excited when she realized we had read a lot of the same books and especially loves Twilight and the Hunger Games. 

The first two days here have been good, really just trying to get my bearings together and figure out the ways of Ubud without getting run over by a motorbike. I have have been so busy on this trip I haven't had a lot of time to be sad or reflect on the past year. Last night it hit me. As a vacation spot there are a lot of couples here and as I was eating dinner last night I was lonely. I missed Matt so much.  It's odd to miss someone in a country that you have never been to before (and so so different than your own) and one that you never planned to go together too but I guess Matt is just a part of me so I miss him all over the world. Matt would have loved it here... all the culture... the cheap food and drink... me letting go and becoming one with this place. I look at my little room and he would be so proud of me for staying here especially for putting away the makeup bag because really I would just sweat it off in a few minutes anyways. He would have loved trying to see me get around town on my push bike. I wish he were here with me, this place reminds me of our honeymoon to Aruba and all the fun we had there. 

I am looking forward to the start of my Teacher Training tomorrow. I am sure this will take away some of the lonely feeling and of course looking forward to seeing what the next month will bring. 

daily offerings in front of my homestay

my new friend from the monkey forest

rice fields just a few steps out of town

my homestay... Ubud Dream

ganesha guarding the door at Ubud Dream

I have WiFi at my place and it's at a lot of cafes but it's just not as fast so it's very timely to upload pictures, we shall see how much more of it I can wait through. Be sure to check out my instagram pics which can be uploaded more easily. Just use the little camera link at the top right hand of the page. Off to see Legong, a traditional Balinese dance at the community center!

namaste

Melissa 

Almost on to the 4th Leg of the Journey!

I posted some pictures to document my time in Sydney a few days ago... as you can probably guess... I am on the go during this trip. I wanted to have time to think, examine, and understand what was going on in my life as I transition into a new stage of but I have been too busy living life to think about it all. Isn't that what this is all about?  

I have had a little bit of time to think in between eating, drinking, and sightseeing and have certainly thought about a few key things but haven't had a lot of time to document them. First of all, I miss Matt. This is everywhere I go. I might not think about it every single moment but life is better with him by my side and I miss traveling with him. A few moments when this really hit me... laying in bed after a long day of sight seeing, visiting with his best friend and his wife when he should be with us, on the wine tour today when we would have mingled with everyone, and many more. 

Visiting with one of his best buds was so nice, sharing our beloved stories, being able to talk about him on such a level, looking through pictures reminiscing about good times. Sharing stories of your loved one lost is vital to this process. I am so thankful that his friend opened his home to me and I was able to enjoy Bondi Beach with him and his wife. You are always welcome in San Diego or wherever I live for that matter! Namaste!

While I missed Matt so much at times, there were times that I just enjoyed life without thoughts of this or that or what I have gone through. The transition is happening and I am moving into the next stage of my life. I miss him greatly and will forever hold that in my heart but it's changing. Tomorrow marks the beginning of March and on the 9th it will be one year. Can't believe it... seems all so far away. On to Bali tomorrow. 

melbourne from the Riverfront bar

melbourne means lots of alleyways and lots of graffiti... i almost blend in!

me and my traveling mate, Kate, another A-town friend of Matt's on a wine tour of the yarra valley

literally swimming in bubbles!

a view of the yarra valley

my fav from the yarra... sparkling pinot shiraz from moet

city lites from a rooftop bar

another view of the yarra from chandon... cheers mate!

Namaste

Melissa 

cheers mate!

time flies when you are having fun! the third leg of this journey is complete... more details to come later but wanted to at least post some pics of Sydney first... on to Melbourne!

the girls enjoying lunch at the icebergs

yep this is real! 

bondi beach after a sunday session

crazy pink flowers at the zoo

icebergs where i yoga-ed and lunched 

bloody marys midwest style

the sydney opera house!

watching footie with the mates

a real australian didgeridoo!

bondi lifeguard and my traveling mate (not really a lifeguard just a random traveler who pretended to be a lifeguard to jump in the pic)

view from Zumba class i took at the surf club

a real live kangaroo... they don't do much and act and look a lot like lila

i have a lot more gorgeous photos to post of the opera house, harbour bridge, and the botanical gardens but my brand new Mac Air is holding them hostage. to be posted once found! 

namaste!

melissa 

Hello Eastern Hemisphere!

I have arrived in the Eastern Hemisphere and it is amazing! My gracious hosts picked me up from the airport after the 14 hour flight early on Tuesday morning (yep you leap forward a day when you head down under). It was a beautiful day in Sydney and we quickly got out to enjoy it. They live about a five minute walk from Bondi Beach and it's breathtaking. Not only is the beach close there are tons of fabulous shops, restaurants, and bars within a few steps. We enjoyed lunch with mimosas at a cafe overlooking the beach and then headed to the beach for a couple of hours. Of course my midwest skin got burnt as the sun is intense down under especially since there is no Ozone layer. I have got to be careful! After enjoying the beach we enjoyed some wine and headed to dinner at a Thai restaurant  which was a little more authentic than my go to, Penny's Noodle in Chicago. 

I tried to get on the time zone here and slept in until I headed to a yoga class by the sea. My first yoga class in the Eastern Hemishphere! Although I was already red, I had lathered up with my SPF and unrolled my mat in a gorgeous spot in the sun overlooking the Pacific. It was an invigorating flow class led by a knowledgeable teacher who encouraged us to breathe in the sea. At the end of class before savasana, she encouraged us to sigh everything out... to let out whatever had happened that day, that month, or that year. I sighed... a lot. As I tried to let go of everything that has happened to me in the past year, tears started rolling down my face. I only hope that this trip allows me to let it all go. Not to forget everything that happened but to let it go and allow my spirit to be lighter as I move into the next chapter of my life. 

View from Yoga Mat

Namaste

Melissa 

The Journey Has Begun! (Again)

The adventure has officially begun! As I write I am flying over the Pacific en route to Sydney! As always, I was busier than I thought and didn’t have a lot of time to write. Looking forward to some rest on the beach and time to gather my thoughts. I have been on this trip for a week and almost two days (depending on where I am in the Pacific and what time zone I am in) now and here’s what’s happened thus far…

My mom and I flew into San Diego last Saturday. We arrived to the sunny California weather and were eager to put the top down on our convertible. Most of the natives were complaining of the cold but my Mom and I were ecstatic about the warmer weather and enjoyed; running by the harbor, yoga on a rooftop, and of course driving with the top down.

I had set up many appointments to view apartments. I looked in many different areas and found a few great options. I will make the final decision of where to live and when to move once I get back in April. We also had time to enjoy some beautiful spots in SD including La Jolla and Coronado. There were plenty of delicious meals enjoyed as well.

I am so happy I stopped here first. To be honest, I was starting to wonder what the hell I was thinking; it’s a lot of work to move across the country! Once I got back to San Diego I knew why I had made this decision and I think it will be the perfect new home for me and Lila. It certainly won’t be easy reestablishing myself on the West Coast but I am confident it will be worth it in the end.

On Tuesday we headed up the coast to Los Angeles. I really wanted to drive up Highway 1 to enjoy the views. There were some specular views but the drive was very different than driving along Highway 1 between San Francisco and Big Sur where Matt and I got engaged which I hoped to relive. I know I will make it back to that spot someday. There was a long detour along the way to find In and Out Burger. Matt and I had almost missed our flight coming home from our engagement trip so In and Out frustration is now a definite tradition but worth it in the end.

My Mom and I arrived in LA a couple of days prior to the Zumba Conference and were able to take in some of the sights. The first night we dined at the restaurant of one of my favorite Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She wasn’t there but it was still fun to have dinner there and the food was excellent. The next day we took a Celebrity Homes Tour on an open air bus. This was of course extremely touristy which I usually shy away from but it was a blast! We drove through Hollywood Hills, the Sunset Strip, Beverly Hills, and Melrose Place. There were no celebrity sightings but I think I have a solid foundation that the next time I go to LA, I know where to find them! Although, the few times I have come across someone famous (including the creator of Zumbe, Beto), I usually see him/her and think well they are just a normal person trying to walk down the street, eat their croissant, or enjoy the day and chicken out about approaching them because I don’t like invading their privacy. After all they are just like us right? US Weekly has the photos to prove it!

After a day of sightseeing the Zumba Conference kicked off. On the first day I tested for my Aerobic Fitness Association of America certification. I had prepared well and the day of review was excellent so hopefully I will find out I passed in a month or so. The next day I took a training to become Zumba Gold certified which is Zumba for seniors, special populations, and those that are new to exercise. I took the training from the creators of the program and they along with a few other instructors were simply inspiring. The class met a woman who teaches in her wheelchair and would put many of us to shame with her moves. I also met a lovely woman who is battling cancer. I had to say something to her. I shared with her that Zumba had been such a blessing my life and had helped me as my husband battled cancer. She asked me how he was doing as my eyes teared up as I shared with her we had lost him last year. She gave me a hug and we chatted about making the most out of each day. This woman is living that and she had an amazing energy. Zumba seems like a silly crazy fitness phenomena but it is so much more to so many people and I am proud to be a part of an organization that has inspired and changed so many lives. I am even feeling inspired to bring this to the widow community and hopefully share how much fitness has helped me in this healing journey and hopefully get some widows moving!

The remaining days were filled with tons of Zumba;  everything from a Fitness Concert with Pitbull, Dancing through the Decades, a Hip Hop Remix, and more Zumba-ing in between. The keynote speaker was Suzanne Sommers (yep Chrissy Snow) and had a lot to share with us about how she has remained so healthy into her 60’s. The last day of convention left my Mom and I exhausted barely able to walk our serparte ways to our terminals. We were so lucky to take this trip together and I know we will remember it forever. I was also very thankful to have her with me as I looked at apartments.

I am feeling much the same as I did with my last post. I feel so removed from my life with Matt. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him but I don’t see him in every step as I moved through our life alone. I certainly wish we were crossing the Pacific together leaping into the future. As widows, we are constantly asking ourselves, is this what he would want me to do? Sometimes you just don’t know. Most likely because you never had to face this situation without him and you never really talked about it because that would have acknowledged it was happening. I know Matt would be happy that I am going to Australia to visit one of his best buds and he loved it down under especially since we planned to at some point take this trip together. The Bali part? He would probably think I was crazy but I think that was some of my charm to him. But then you realize that you are in this alone now and while you can use your spouse as a guiding force you have to make decisions that will make you happy. I am so happy I am making this trip and can’t wait to see what the next leg has in store!

Mom and I in La Jolla enjoying the beautiful weather 

Namaste,

Melissa 

Transitioning to Plan B

I have tried to write this post many times in the past couple of weeks but the creative juices just haven't been flowing probably due to sheer exhaustion. As I sat down to edit my most recent version moments ago I realized what was happening... I don't think I have wrapped my brain around what has happened to me in the past couple of weeks. 

To shortly recap this; I quit my job, I packed up all my stuff, I watched my stuff be shipped off to storage not to be seen again until Cali in three months, I said goodbye to all my friends and the life I knew in Chicago, I watched renters move into our condo, I drove back to my temporary home in Ohio, and I officially became a nomad. Currently I am running around like a mad woman to get everything ready for a trip out of the country for two months. It sounds like it's all fun and very yogi of me to take off on this trip but the Accountant in me is steering this ship and there is still a lot to cross off the list. 

Moving was just awful. Moving in any situation sucks but this was double suck. I had already gone through a lot of Matt's belongings but I had to go through everything and determine on my own what to keep and what to bring with me across the country. I have way too much stuff and I now know exactly how much stuff I have in cubic feet. 

I said goodbye to my Zumba classes and it was very emotional. I learned exactly how much teaching has brought to my life. The funny thing about teaching is that you set out to teach someone else something and then they end up teaching you something. Amazing. I miss all of my students and can't begin to thank them for what they helped me through.

I spent a lot of quality time with most of my favorites in Chicago before taking off although sadly there were a few I wasn't able to catch up with before I left. As I sat with my best girl friends at a farewell dinner, it all felt surreal. How would it be when I couldn't call them up for a quick dinner down the street? Then I remembered that I would keep in touch with all those that I love and this wasn't goodbye. The great thing about love is the capacity to love infinitely There will always be a place in my heart for Chicago and all my friends there but there is also room to move on and find love for a new place and new friends. The more the merrier! 

The past couple weeks have seemed liked a blur much like this whole year and yes in three days it will be eleven months. Being here in Ohio so removed from our life and our home I can't help but feel in a completely different place. I am not quite sure how I feel about this yet. In three days I also take off for my trip. I can't wait for this trip to start, I've just got to get there first. 

Lila riding in the only remaining space in the car with all our stuff that didn't get shipped off

Namaste,

Melissa