Transitioning to Plan B

I have tried to write this post many times in the past couple of weeks but the creative juices just haven't been flowing probably due to sheer exhaustion. As I sat down to edit my most recent version moments ago I realized what was happening... I don't think I have wrapped my brain around what has happened to me in the past couple of weeks. 

To shortly recap this; I quit my job, I packed up all my stuff, I watched my stuff be shipped off to storage not to be seen again until Cali in three months, I said goodbye to all my friends and the life I knew in Chicago, I watched renters move into our condo, I drove back to my temporary home in Ohio, and I officially became a nomad. Currently I am running around like a mad woman to get everything ready for a trip out of the country for two months. It sounds like it's all fun and very yogi of me to take off on this trip but the Accountant in me is steering this ship and there is still a lot to cross off the list. 

Moving was just awful. Moving in any situation sucks but this was double suck. I had already gone through a lot of Matt's belongings but I had to go through everything and determine on my own what to keep and what to bring with me across the country. I have way too much stuff and I now know exactly how much stuff I have in cubic feet. 

I said goodbye to my Zumba classes and it was very emotional. I learned exactly how much teaching has brought to my life. The funny thing about teaching is that you set out to teach someone else something and then they end up teaching you something. Amazing. I miss all of my students and can't begin to thank them for what they helped me through.

I spent a lot of quality time with most of my favorites in Chicago before taking off although sadly there were a few I wasn't able to catch up with before I left. As I sat with my best girl friends at a farewell dinner, it all felt surreal. How would it be when I couldn't call them up for a quick dinner down the street? Then I remembered that I would keep in touch with all those that I love and this wasn't goodbye. The great thing about love is the capacity to love infinitely There will always be a place in my heart for Chicago and all my friends there but there is also room to move on and find love for a new place and new friends. The more the merrier! 

The past couple weeks have seemed liked a blur much like this whole year and yes in three days it will be eleven months. Being here in Ohio so removed from our life and our home I can't help but feel in a completely different place. I am not quite sure how I feel about this yet. In three days I also take off for my trip. I can't wait for this trip to start, I've just got to get there first. 

Lila riding in the only remaining space in the car with all our stuff that didn't get shipped off

Namaste,

Melissa  

New Year New Life Not Yet

It's certainly a new year but do I have a new life? Not exactly. I was looking forward to the New Year as if when the ball dropped, all would be forgotten from 2012 and I would be on to a wonderful 2013. While we almost to the end of the first month of 2013 and I am still hopeful, everything didn't turn around with the drop of the ball as I had hoped. I am more than ready to start on this new adventure of mine (you know Plan B) but it wasn't as simple as all that. 

First and foremost, there was a huge (well not so huge... this is Chicago after all) piece of property weighing on my heart. I put our place on the market a couple of weeks before the holidays which as you can guess wasn't the best time. There wasn't a lot of activity and I quickly became very worried. After the new year, I tried new strategies of renting the place and the showings really picked up. To say I was stressed about this was an understatement. Trying to rent out the place quickly consumed all of my time as I found myself organizing, cleaning, and beautifying the condo on a daily basis. I believe that when you put your place on the market, you aren't just showing your unit... you are selling a life. Maybe I haven't been in the real estate market very long and I know you aren't really supposed to do this but how can you not walk through a potential property and judge the lives of the people living there currently? I remember when I was going through this on the other side and would try to gather hints about the inhabitants lives while I guess more importantly evaluated the property. As a seller or landlord you want people to walk through and think I want this life! As there were certainly financial ramifications tied to me renting out the condo, there was also a huge amount of emotional currency included in the monthly rent. I simply couldn't believe that people weren't walking through this place and jumping up and down saying "I want this, I want this life" because frankly I still want this life. I want the promise that it held for me only about four years ago. 

I am happy to report that I successfully rented out the place and I did it on my own so I don't have to pay the finder's fee. Both of my guys; Matt and Pappy would be so proud of me. I had always talked about one day renting out this place and Matt would tease me about it. I believed it would be under much different circumstances which included us moving most likely to WI when we had kids but hey I accomplished this goal nonetheless. 

After renting out my place, going to my last day of work, and packing... I realize this is really happening. I gave myself permission to be a crying mess as I realize that the next weeks is going to be full of lots of excitement and of course sadness. I know that I just need to feel this all out. I love this home very much but I think that moving to new surroundings will only do me well. I simply can't believe that I was married in this home and also lost my husband in this home. Bittersweet is really the only way to describe this move. 

Our Condo taken by the Wedding Photographer on July 11, 2009

Namaste,

Melissa 

New Year New Life

As you have read, the holidays weren't that great for me. I am glad that they are over and I am actually looking forward to New Year's Eve. I mean, new year, new life, new dress? Why wouldn't I be? 

I hate 2012 with most of my being although I have to say there were still many many good times. There is a saying that goes a little something like this; "things can't get any worse". I foolishly used this statement in a year known as 2010. I remember it crystal clear... I was sitting at a rehearsal for a friend's wedding who would be married the next day on New Years Eve. A friend and I were discussing life as Matt had walked down the aisle to take his seat. He had a huge scar on his head from his 2nd brain surgery. He had surgery only about a week and a half prior but the trooper that he was, healed quickly and still made it to all of our holiday plans. My grandfather had passed away only a few months prior. A lot had gone down in only a few months. I shared with my friend that I was looking forward to the New Year because really how could things get any worse? 

So as I stand at the end of 2012, I realize that although I suffered the greatest loss of my life yet, I still have much to be grateful for and things could always get worse since you just don't know what tomorrow brings. Sometimes I struggle with the fact that more bad things will happen to me. I know this sounds pretty depressing and I still sound like a fool in 2012. Really, what I mean is that when you have dealt with an incredible amount of hardship by the age of thirty, you think surely this is it for me! Or more simply I just can't take anymore! However, I know this isn't true because mainly life is impermanent with many many ups and downs especially when you put yourself out there in any sort of relationship. While 2012 was defined by a very giant down, there were certainly some ups as well. So below is my list of Top 10 accomplishments and moments of 2012 and I encourage everyone to do the same! 

1. Hawaii - I made the trip to Hawaii that I never imagined I would take by myself. I originally went with Matt to Hawaii when my grandfather took my whole family back in Spring of 2007. We loved it there and were happy to hear one of Matt's friends would be having his wedding there. We discussed attending this wedding many times together and I knew if it was possible, I would get him to that wedding. Unfortunately Matt did not make it to the wedding. I missed him greatly and it was tough but I am glad I went.  I also know that Matt was happy I went to celebrate with his friends in his place. 

2. Turning Thirty - Not that I had a choice with this one or it was really an accomplishment but I turned thirty this year. While I never thought I would be where I am at thirty, I think I am making the best of it. I embraced the day of celebration and found the perfect way to enter this new era of my life...  a hot yoga class with my friends and family followed of course by some boozy Popsicles!

3. Fixing Stuff - I still have the initial inclination to call the handyman but then I remember how expensive that is and I at least give the home repair a shot. Yesterday, I put my heavy glass shower door back on track. A month ago, I changed all the light bulbs in my house including the super tall one above my front door. I also learned that not only are those fluorescent light bulbs better for the environment, they mean less changing of the light bulbs!

4. Blog - I started this blog and love writing. Who knew I had it in me? During Matt's battle with cancer, I was always pretty private about it all. Expressing my feelings with many friends and family has helped me immensely. Blogs helped me in those early days of grief immensely. Hopefully this helped another young widow out there. Sometimes when you are suffering a loss, the best thing is simply to have someone to associate with. It's true, misery does love company. 

5. Headstand - I won't bore everyone again by going on more about this but remembering that I set this goal for myself last year (January 1, 2012) and achieved it makes me happy. Can't wait to go to class on New Year's Day and chill in headstand for 10 deep breaths! And today, I decided what my pose goal for 2013 is, Handstand! Got into it this morn with the help of the Instructor!

6. Zumba - Somehow during all of the commotion I still showed up for my students and taught with love and passion. Not only did I teach but I attended Convention which was life changing. Then I went on to host a Zumbathon with an outpouring of support from friends, family, and students. We were able to raise over $4000 to benefit the ABTA. I think one of the best moments happened to me just about a week ago when one of my students came up to chat after class. She shared with me that Zumba was a huge stress reliever to her as her sister battled breast cancer. Mission accomplished. 

7. Plan B - Despite my life plans being turned upside down, I created a new plan and found a way to look forward to each new day. I am so ready for this!

8. New friends - Loss and grief truly rock you to your core. It shakes up everything you thought to be true which includes relationships with friends, family, and co-workers. Some friends and family have simply stepped up to be by my side like I could have never imagined. I have made many new friendships that simply wouldn't have happened unless I was in this situation. I also know what types of relationships are healthy for me and which ones I want to maintain. Thank you... you know who you are! 

9. I am a Good Dog Mama - Matt did a lot of the caring for Lila. He fed her, walked her, and took her to the dog park everyday. However, he knew he would be stuck with this when we signed up to adopt Lila. I found myself in charge of all these responsibilities. I know, people do this everyday and Lila makes my life that much better, but nonetheless it was a change for me. At first, I would forget to buy dog food and would have to make a last minute run to the pet store for the expensive stuff but eventually I learned to just buy the bigger bag! Lila and I figured it out and she is a happy little dog. Lila is still a legend at Wigglyville but her Papa is still greatly missed there. 

10. I was a supportive wife that stood by my man. My marriage lasted till death did us part. 

Here's to a wonderful, amazing New Year... as with all years there will be some ups and some downs but hopefully we can all move through it gracefully and appreciate the downs for what they teach us and enjoy the ups with a smile on our faces!

Namaste,

Melissa 

The After Christmas???

Well again I made it through another huge first by myself. I am feeling the after effects of Christmas but definitely not in the usual after Christmas blues or sales kind of way. More of an I just laid around and did nothing but ate, drank, and felt sorry for myself for the past five days. I certainly can't forget my acting as a grumpy Scrooge acts as well. I know being lazy and eating a ton is pretty standard for the holidays but I just haven't been myself. Typically I am pretty energetic and I at least get up and work out a few days over the holidays but not this year. 

After a sluggish Christmas Eve, I woke up on Christmas Day to volunteer at a homeless shelter for women and families. It was a nice way to start the day and I guess if this is the only real thing I accomplished over the past five days, then I should be proud. After that I hung around my Grandmas eating and hanging with my family. I have to admit I had to take some time outs to sit in my room quietly with Lila. We opened presents with the most fun part of the day watching my second cousin open presents with delight. She is the only little one in our family so she steals the show. After presents I headed to the movie theater to see Les Miserables with my Mom and soon to be sister in law. I had bought the tickets a couple weeks ago since it was opening yesterday and I was looking forward to it. I saw the play on Broadway when I was there on a high school trip but didn't remember much. It turned out to be the perfect dark love and war story for my own dark love and Christmas story. I know the songs had a lot of different meanings than what I attached to them but I certainly found myself lost in some of the lyrics of the solos. Below is an excerpt from "I Dreamed a Dream" sung by the character Fantine (played by Ann Hathaway in the movie); 

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Yes, this is really dark but it's where I was yesterday on my first Christmas without Matt.  

Today on Boxing Day, I am still sitting in Ohio as I was snowed in by the Midwest storm. Yesterday I was kind of hoping for another day with the family laying around so it was an added bonus although there was certainly some annoyance to reschedule appointments, missing another day of work, and not teaching Zumba. Really, I think it was just what the doctor ordered. But now I can safely say with the major family holidays behind me along with five days of being a slug... I am ready to pick up with life again and get back on track with the game of living. I know there is still New Year's to bear but I have a hot new dress and I need to get to the gym to look good in it! Then it's on to big plans for the New Year! So I guess the holidays weren't all that bad since I am getting back out there and thinking of the future but with all that said I still have to wish you a Merry Fucking Christmas! 

Cindy Lou Who?

Wow this sucks. No other words for it. No way to sugar coat it. This sucks and I just want it to be over. I know I know I should never wish away the days but I am done and ready to move on from this holiday season.

Last night I did have some Christmas joy as I visited an old friend, her husband, and her two adorable children. There were a lot of laughs, a few good cries, and everything in between. I brought the kids a couple of Christmas gifts which included How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Suess. I am sure you have all seen many forms of this beloved Christmas tale. It's a classic for a reason. The kids had seen the Jim Carey version many many times but this was the first time reading the book. I delighted in reading this to their little girl especially when she went on and on about Cindy Lou, you know the little girl that turns the Grinch's heart...

Matt used to call me Cindy Lou because of my love for the season. We met shortly before Christmas in 2005 at our work holiday party. He sent me a beautiful bouquet after our first date as a Christmas present. I will never forget this moment. The doorman called to tell me that I had flowers and I didn't believe him! Very good move on his part. My mom was there too so he earned extra bonus points by impressing my Mom. The next Christmas I lived in a little place that I had decorated and we celebrated Christmas before we parted ways and headed to our respective homes in the Midwest. The following year we were living in our first apartment together. Matt quickly saw my enthusiasm for the season as I pulled out the decorations and put on my Santa Hat. He dubbed me Cindy Lou and we went on to start celebrating Christmases together in Wisconsin or Ohio every year. There were many good times in both places. This year we would have gone to Wisconsin and I am missing his family in their very fun Christmas Eve celebration. I will never forget taking part in my first White Elephant there. I didn't know people bought good presents like OPI nail polish, BBQ sauces, and the ever popular six packs. My ornament quickly became the present left at the end of exchange. One year we went to Navy Pier to see A Christmas Carol at the IMax. We enjoyed the movie and afterwards Matt wanted to show me something and led me to the Winter Wonderland. An old hangar that was filled with tons of Christmas cheer and lights. He took me there simply to see my eyes get big with the glow of Christmas and revel in my joy of the season. Last year, we headed to Zoo Lights at Lincoln Park followed by dinner at a nearby restaurant. This was probably my last real date with Matt when he was somewhat himself. 

I am so thankful for all of these joyful memories but Cindy Lou is not doing so well today and I don't think she could stop the Grinch if she tried. I didn't hang up one Christmas decoration and didn't buy any gifts aside from those mentioned above. Very few Christmas cards were sent. I couldn't face Church tonight with all the families dressed up in their new sweaters and dresses and the overall merriness. This is probably the first time I haven't gone to Church on Christmas EVER... my Catholic guilt pushing me on in this downward spiral. Right now if I saw that Grinch slithering down the chimney, I would stay in my heap on the couch and watch him take it all begging him to leave the Baileys. 

One is the Loneliest Number

I have posted a lot about events, firsts, trips, and headstands and how these have impacted me. I don't think I have really discussed or could ever possibly emphasize enough the loneliness of being in this place. Perhaps I have in earlier rants but I am just feeling it so much right now that I have to dedicate a whole post to it. Losing your best friend through life is the worst part of this whole process. 

The past two weekends were full of celebrating including a friend's birthday , a wedding, and the holidays. All were good fun with plenty of friends and laughs but I missed Matt. I missed my date through life. I missed walking into the party with him... I missed talking to him at the party... I missed laughing about it the next day. Please don't take this to mean I am one of the those namby pamby women that can't go places without someone by her side, I am pretty independent woman and going by myself isn't the issue...but Matt, Matt I want by my side. 

On Sunday, the loneliness was eating at me. I basically walked around in a panic all day because I missed him so much and because I couldn't find my old Iphone which has tons of messages from Matt on it. It's so hard to go from sharing your life explicitly with someone to not. You come home everyday to tell the person what happened to you. I love to talk and tell a good a story so our evenings were typically spent discussing the day over dinner or TV. Sometimes I can't help but hang my head when I come home to see my place dim under the street lamps the warm glow of Matt inside with the lights on gone. Thankfully, I have family members that talk to me on pretty much a daily basis.... my three leading ladies; my aunt, my mom, and my grandma. They pretty much pick up the phone at anytime and always call me back. They have certainly helped to put my "I need to tell someone this energy" somewhere. As you can guess, it's not quite the same. 

In marriage, you are signing up for someone to become your life partner, your lives become quickly intertwined. Your day and your happiness is theirs and it all becomes one. It's the little things that you share on a day to day basis that are fun, sad, silly, stupid, your life. I miss it so much. I miss telling Matt everything. I STILL have things happen in my life and can't want to tell him. Honestly, these usually aren't big things... telling him that I saw the crazy guy at the dog park, that I got a free Potbelly sandwich, that I saw his buddy on the train. Of course there are the big things that I miss sharing too; that I had to have another laser treatment on my foot, that I turned 30, that I did a headstand. 

I miss him so much right now, its palpable (line stolen from Carrie Bradshaw). Like I said, all the celebrating hit me hard compiled with the holidays and the overall grief of the country, it's too much. The days are getting longer for me filled with lots of ups and downs and general exhaustion by bedtime. I am excited about my new life plans but I am tired of scheming. I have been agonizing over renting this condo so all can go as planned. I want to be talking about our plans for Christmas discussing what time we will take off on Saturday... not deciding when I will leave to trek across the country and move from our home... talking about when we will start trying to have kids not dreaming up the best way to start over.  

I have been reading a book a dear friend gave to me, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron and for the day I leave you with two paragraphs from her book although I highly recommend reading her book in particular the chapter on loneliness. I will certainly be working on this over the holiday season...

"Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It's restless and pregnant and hot with desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down."

"When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this."

Namaste, 

Melissa 

Comfortably Numb

Last night I did a quick Facebook check and a college friend had posted that he had just seen a good duo of Eddie Vedder and Roger Waters of Comfortably Numb. I asked what was going and he alerted me of the 12.12.12 Sandy Relief Concert and I quickly turned it on but had already missed the song. I hit record to enjoy the rest of the concert at a later date. 

As you know, Matt, was an Eddie Vedder fan so it obviously made me think of him. He would have loved this jam and would have loved this concert. As he was a fan of Palladia and Fuse, I am no stranger to the TV concert. One of the best presents I think I ever bought him was of a live Pearl Jam concert that he assured me was a rare find which I had no clue of when I bought. I quite enjoy TV concerts and I'll admit are a nice distraction from my normal squawky reality shows and make for some perfect background music. Matt would have known about this concert and had me watching it. I don't often find myself playing the "what would we be doing now" game nine months later but the game was playing me last night. I pictured us on the couch watching the concert surrounded by our Christmas decorations with Lila snuggled on her bed. 

Today, I pulled up the You Tube of the Comfortably Numb duo and quickly became entranced by the words. Lately, I have been thinking about how I have been seemingly doing better with this whole grief thing and finding the sunny side of life again. But I have also thought to myself... do you just at some point have to rise above it? I mean you simply can't live in that state of grief forever, it's just not possible. Do you have to stop thinking about it at some point to move forward. I haven't been crying as much lately (until today), I mean sure at any moment I could make myself cry if I thought about all this stuff but I don't so I don't cry. Have I become comfortably numb? 

Enjoy the video here... http://youtu.be/_4c_8rTuddU

Namaste,

Melissa